adeus com amor

I am in love with the past. I am in love with a man who doesn't exist anymore. For a year and a half I have been in love with ----- --------. I have loved him more than I've ever love anyone. He's smart, kind, geeky, and can be a romantic when he tries. He and I have been through a lot together: deaths, failures, changes of major, illnesses, major injuries, two break ups and two attempts at being friends. A month ago, he was still that man I loved, and I felt that somewhere inside of him, he still loved me. But then I had a freak out, a space of time wherein I lose control of my feelings for him and I let the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including me, get to me; I freak out. That was a few weeks ago. Since that time I have felt like he's been pulling away from me. The same thing happened right before our second break up. I have tried so hard to maintain a friendship with him. But it doesn't seem to be working. This week I decided not to text him first. I broke it only three times in 5 days. I heard from him a few times. I accidentally read an email he sent me this time last year, I hadn't meant to open it. It only took a few words to bring me to tears; I miss him! What happened to him?! Where did he go...

I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream that he and I got married. It was a strange dream, disjoined at first. I was rushing around, trying to get ready for the wedding, his mom was there helping me. Then it was after the wedding and I was flopping down on a bed, exhausted and fully clothed, next to him. I had boots on under my wedding dress and he was in his tux. He was laying on his stomach, me on my back. I rolled my head over and look and him and we just laughed. And I was happy. I woke up so confused.

I feel that I don't have many options open to me. I can either press forward and pray that he comes around. I can cease communication and just see what happens. Or I can completely cut him out of my life. That last one will be difficult because he lives very near by. I honestly don't think I can be "just friends" with him- I still love him too much. I sometimes wish I could have a clean break from him; no communication at all. Unfriend him on Facebook, not answer his texts or calls, have my friends distract me at church. If he wasn't in my ward or living so close it would be much easier. Just walk away, and don't look back this time. But that would be so hard to do!! I hate the way I feel right now; neglected by a person I see as my best friend. I hate that thoughts of him bring tears to my eyes. I hate that I'm sobbing as I write this!!

I want my best friend back. But something deep down inside of me says that I won't get him back. I hate to say it, but I think it's right. If I can't have my best friend back, and if he doesn't want to be here, then all I can to say to him is "good bye with love."