sad weekend

Last Tuesday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(

Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.

Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.

I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?