new year's resolution part II

I've already broken one of my resolutions and for those who know me, this won't be a surprise. I have broken resolution #9- no serious dating until May 2011. I now I have a boyfriend named Alex and he's a sweetheart!

I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.

I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.

Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!

attack of the past

You see that good lookin' dark haired guy sitting next to me? His name is Thomas. I met him on the first day of class in the 6th grade and I was instantly attracted to him. When he found out that I had a crush on him, I became the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. This was a theme for the rest of my public education. This picture was taken at my house; I asked Thomas to be my date for the Sadie Hawkins 2007 dance. It was the November of my senior year and I promised my best friend that I would ask him if she asked her crush. I was betting quite heavily that Thomas would say no to me. Imagine my utter shock when he didn't. That was the single most awkward date I have ever been on. Okay... maybe second. After that date I don't think he ever spoke to me again. After graduation we went our separate ways. I went to USU and he went on a mission.

I was at the grocery store with my mom and little sister today. I was just getting done using the restroom after having bumped into my most recent ex when Ali called me. "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!?!" "Yeah, I know, my ex is here." "NO!!! Thomas is in the store!!" The adrenaline that flooded my system was immediate and over-powering. I was in high school again and the guy I liked, but who hated me, was in the store. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was shopping with him mom. I walked swiftly around the corner with my sister. "You are not allowed to leave the store without looking at him," my mom whispered to me with a laugh. I walked briskly down the isle, aware that he and his mother were behind us. I was so tense and high-strung. He walked passed me and my cart on his way down another isle. My family went to check-out and so did he. As I left the store, I had to pass him. As I walked passed, he called out to me, "Hi Erin." I froze. HE spoke to me... Thomas spoke to me... of what I presume is his own free will. We exchanged pleasantries and discussed the fact that he just got home from a mission to Minnesota on Wednesday, how here was warmer than there, and how he was doing classes at USU this coming term. I left the store feeling shell-shocked and rocked to my core. I was also extremely embarrassed because my mom and little sister said that I laid on the flirt just about as thick as they had ever seen.

I just... wow, it was weird to see him. I feel like such a high schooler right now.

WARNING: angry rants and ravings

I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.

I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!

I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.

I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(

This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.

new year's revolutions

1- no sweets except on Sunday (the sugar messes with my head)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)