Because of my resent blog posts, many people have asked me what I believe. If you have specific questions beyond what I answer here, please let me know.
First and foremost, I believe that everyone (and by everyone I mean LGBT peoples, Muslims, Asians, everyone) has the right to pursue their own happiness, whatever that may be, so long as it doesn't destroy the happiness of others.
I believe that there was something before this life, and that there will be something after this life, but I don't know what either of those things might have been or may be.
I believe that as a member of the human family we have the responsibility to help one another attain happiness.
I believe that I only get one chance on Earth and my goal for this life is to help as many people as possible find their happiness.
I believe that life isn't black and white, but rather every color of the rainbow including 100's of shades of gray.
I believe in the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of Karma.
My beliefs are still in their infancy, and I am still developing many more. Please ask me questions, that's now I develop these beliefs. But I ask that you respect me and the beliefs that I am forming. If you ask me how I feel about something, and then don't like the answer, tough cookies.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
organized religion
Organized religion scares the g**-d*** f*** right out of me! I came to this realization while I was standing in front of the Salt Lake Temple, surrounded by my friends as the lights twinkled from every tree. I was staring up at that huge marble building from the reflecting pool, where many newly sealed couples take their pictures, and all I could think about was how the Mormon Church terrorizes its followers into submission. They dichotomize neighborhoods, schools, and families. They hold your eternal salvation hostage in exchange for your money and complete obedience to anything and everything they say. If you show up to church on Sunday with multiple piercings, high-tops, and a black dress, you will be treated differently. You will become the ward project and they will try to get you to take out your piercings, wear tasteful flats, and a pastel dress with complimentary jewelry. And if you don't, if you tell them that you aren't interested, they will tell you that you will not be allowed to enter the highest echelon Heaven and you will be separated from all those you love; at death, you will part.
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
church
I haven't gone to church for a really long time. I didn't really see a point to going after January 2011. I mean, every week I went, I was told how awful I was, how I wouldn't get to be with my family forever, and how my mom is going to go to outer darkness. According to the Church Handbook I can't participate in church either. I can go, sure, but I can't make comments in class, pray out loud, read scripture passages out loud, lead the music, hold a calling, take the sacrament, give a talk in church, give a lesson... So what is the point in going?
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
how to be a good girlfriend
Over the course of my life I have had many relationships but none have lasted longer than four months. As of today I have been dating my current boyfriend for seven months, two weeks, and two days and I'm scared. Yeah, that's right, scared. I have never been this deep in a relationship or in love and I'm so terrified for when the ending will come. And one way or another it will come, either we'll break up or we'll get married and then when we get old one of us will die first. I don't want this relationship to end.
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
*explicit* the freakout
Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
Friday, August 19, 2011
starla
That is my little Starla girl. She is a two year old that I am training and she technically belongs to my grandfather but I call her my partner. I love her very much and want to do all that I can to keep her from harm- mental or physical. She is very sweet and smart, loves people and wint-o-green peppermints, and is my best friend and partner. She is more than just livestock or a pet to me, she is the one who listens when I have crazy I need to spew, the one who flies with me across the pasture, the one who loves me unconditionally but knows when to tell me to come to my senses. I love her so much.
But since she technically belongs to my grandpa I have no control over when she gets checked by a vet, or has her hooves trimmed, or who she is exposed to, or what she is trained for. My grandpa wants her to be a buggy horse while I want to train her to be a get-on-and-ride horse. My grandpa is a wait-and-see kinda of guy when it comes to her health and I am more of a better-safe-than-sorry type of gal. I have raised Star to be a lovable horse, to show love when she feels like it. Horses show love and affection to one another by rubbing against each other and nibbling and they do the same to people, and many trainers (including my grandpa) train that out of horses; I don't want her to lose those loving traits! I also want her to be treated with respect and kindness and that is something that some people have a hard time seeing as "needed" when interacting with a horse. I am SO nervous about who comes into contact with her. I don't ever want anyone to hurt her, I want to always be there to protect her from everything.
She's my baby.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
belief
I am not what you would call an orthodox Mormon. I like caramel macchiato's, R-rated movies, and going for hikes in lieu of Sacrament meeting. The temple scares me and the belief that to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, the Heaven of Heavens, you have to be involved in a polygamist marriage makes me angry. I don't like that Father in Heaven is portrayed as an obey-or-die type, and I hate that no one will talk about Mother in Heaven. I don't like that it is taught that it is the girls responsibility to keep the boys thoughts clean. I really don't like that the boys get to do boy scouts and go camping and fishing and hiking while the girls get to learn how to... You know, I don't think I really learned anything in Young Women's.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
why i love the movie avatar
You know, I really love the movie Avatar. I know a lot of people call it “Pocahontas in Space” or “Dances with Aliens” and say that the science is bogus and all of that. But I love it for the little nuances in the story, like the referral to a bad economy back on Earth or the mean bush of Venezuela, as though we should know what they are talking about; and the social aspect is expertly written. I also love it for the use of CG; the details and the movement, it all looks so real! But above all I love it for its approach to nature.
Now don’t go calling me a PeTA activist or a die hard tree hugger because if you know me then you know that’s not me. I love their respect for the forest and its occupants and the way they talk about a flow of energy that goes from their food, to them, then back to the Earth… Haha, I just realized that is The Lion Kings Circle of Life. But in all seriousness, I feel like that is how it is.
As the highest evolved creatures on this planet I believe that we have a responsibility to the other inhabitants. I believe that we need to have respect for the Earth's wild places and the animals that rely on them. I don't condemn loggers, as long as they replant and don't log so fast that the animals are hurt by the lack of home space. I don't detest commercial fishing so long as they leave enough to breed for next years. I don't despise the study of animals so long as we do only what is necessarily and don't torture the poor thing. I don't believe in hunting or fishing for sport, but for food is okay so long as people don't kill more than they need. I don't believe in unnecessary confinement. And I absolutely abhor any form of animal abuse.
Those animals who are in our care, those we have domesticated, such as cows, horses, pigs, dogs, and chickens, rely on us for food, shelter, and often times companionship and I believe it is our duty to supply that. Cows would never survive in the wide because we have bred most of their natural instincts out of them, including mothering. Horses would never survive because they don't know how to find water or nonpoisonous food; they didn't have a horse to teach them. We need to be kind and show respect to the animals that are in our lives.
And to add a spiritual point here, the Pagans of old (and maybe now a days too, I haven't checked....) believe that the Earth is our mother (hence the term "Mother Earth") and the Sky is our father. I have heard it said that the reason Mormons kneel when they pray is so that they have a connection to their Mother. So maybe the reason Mother in Heaven doesn't get mentioned is because it's just too far fetched of an idea for the public to accept. If the Earth is our mother then as her children we should be responsible stewards over what she has supplied us with.
Let's keep the green spaces and wild places. Let's keep our pets and take good care of them. Let's not litter or unnecessarily pollute. Let's stay in touch with nature.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
ps to obession
Haha, sorry guys! As much as my man and I love each other, we haven't The Big Talk yet so don't expect any engagement announcements from us any time soon.
love you all!
love you all!
Monday, August 1, 2011
obsession
I have an obsession with weddings, in a bad way. There, I admit it. I am obsessed with weddings! And engagements, and marriages, and divorce, and relationships!! And this isn't an obsession wherein I have already booked my venue, bought my dress, picked a band, and have a photographer on standby while I wait for my true love. No, this is an obsession wherein I scour Facebook for changes in relationship status, engagement and wedding pictures, and frequently comment, out loud for anyone within earshot to hear, "Why the hell do people get married so young?!," all whilst I bemoan my singleness.
After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.
I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.
I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.
Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."
After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.
I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.
I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.
Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
dear usu
Dear Utah State University-
For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.
Shame. On. You!
You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!
The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.
The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!
My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.
Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.
With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student
For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.
Shame. On. You!
You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!
The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.
The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!
My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.
Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.
With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student
wrong thinking
How do you convince yourself to believe something?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Monday, June 20, 2011
adulthood
I turn 21 next week... I will be able to legally drink, and I have friends my age who are married, who have kids, who have finished college, who chew tobacco... But what are the hallmarks of an adult? What makes someone "grown-up"?
Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?
I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.
Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.
Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.
Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.
Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?
I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.
Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.
Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.
Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
millennial thinking
In a desperate attempt to find online resources for people who aren't necessarily the strongest in the Church but want to get stronger, I found MormonMatters.Org, a site that discusses Mormon topics ranging from cultural to theological. The members that speak on the podcasts are devout, faithful members who don't always see eye-to-eye with the men in Salt Lake, just like me! It was a relief to find this site and realize that I wasn't alone in thinking that the good brethren sometimes don't understand the people they are leading.
The first podcast I listened to was about about the young single adults (YSA's) of the Church and what may be effecting their rate of inactivity [click here to find it], which was quoted at being at a rate of 80%. One of the big things that they talked about was how the things taught in the Church are the same for the twelve year olds as it is for the eighteen year olds, which leads to unanswered questions and frustrated learning. Once a youth turns eighteen, they take their leave of the Church because they don't feel that it satisfies their religious needs.
Another thing that was talked about was the big push to get the YSA's married because the Church knows how to better identify with married members than it does single members. But this big push for marriage isn't having the effect they want it to have. This generation is one that has seen terrible amounts of divorce and tough economic times which often shoots the "if you are a good member everything will turn out perfect" argument right in the foot! 20'somthings are going to college and leaving with more debt then they can off in five years, which is not conducive to a good marriage environment. And please don't get me started on the lack of marriage preparation the Church offers to its young members. One of the things that was brought up in this podcast was that there are plenty of good, faithful members who are working in the fields of Marriage & Family Therapy (my chosen field), Sex Therapy, Psychology, Sociology and Human Development who could help create a good marriage education curriculum built not just on gospel principles but also on proven marriage improvement techniques.
In conjunction with the topic of marriage preparation, sexual education was also brought up, or the lack there of. Humans are naturally curious and naturally sexual yet for the most part the Church has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the whole thing, which leads to teens and 20'somethings going elsewhere for their education. Sometimes they find good quality information that quenches their curiosity and they don't have any problems. More often they glean their information from peers, porn, and the media, all quality sources *sarcasm* I purpose that if the Church were more open about it, more willing to talk about it, then it wouldn't be such a big problem, but I could be wrong.
The one thing that I ask of the Church (if anyone important is reading this, which is doubtful) is that they revamp the Young Men/ Young Women manuals to exclude the lessons on chastity that include the Half-Eaten Cookie Story (or any version there of), or stories of how you are better of dead then to lose your virginity under any circumstance. Fear is NOT a good motivator to do good.
Chances are I will be blogging about what I read and listen to from this podcast site- I think it's good stuff!
PS- "millennial thinking" is in reference to my generation, commonly referred to as the Millennial Generation. One of the things discussed in the podcast was that those who are members of this generation are more technologically savvy which means they have access to more information that ever before, which leads to more questions that Church leaders have a hard time answering.
The first podcast I listened to was about about the young single adults (YSA's) of the Church and what may be effecting their rate of inactivity [click here to find it], which was quoted at being at a rate of 80%. One of the big things that they talked about was how the things taught in the Church are the same for the twelve year olds as it is for the eighteen year olds, which leads to unanswered questions and frustrated learning. Once a youth turns eighteen, they take their leave of the Church because they don't feel that it satisfies their religious needs.
Another thing that was talked about was the big push to get the YSA's married because the Church knows how to better identify with married members than it does single members. But this big push for marriage isn't having the effect they want it to have. This generation is one that has seen terrible amounts of divorce and tough economic times which often shoots the "if you are a good member everything will turn out perfect" argument right in the foot! 20'somthings are going to college and leaving with more debt then they can off in five years, which is not conducive to a good marriage environment. And please don't get me started on the lack of marriage preparation the Church offers to its young members. One of the things that was brought up in this podcast was that there are plenty of good, faithful members who are working in the fields of Marriage & Family Therapy (my chosen field), Sex Therapy, Psychology, Sociology and Human Development who could help create a good marriage education curriculum built not just on gospel principles but also on proven marriage improvement techniques.
In conjunction with the topic of marriage preparation, sexual education was also brought up, or the lack there of. Humans are naturally curious and naturally sexual yet for the most part the Church has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the whole thing, which leads to teens and 20'somethings going elsewhere for their education. Sometimes they find good quality information that quenches their curiosity and they don't have any problems. More often they glean their information from peers, porn, and the media, all quality sources *sarcasm* I purpose that if the Church were more open about it, more willing to talk about it, then it wouldn't be such a big problem, but I could be wrong.
The one thing that I ask of the Church (if anyone important is reading this, which is doubtful) is that they revamp the Young Men/ Young Women manuals to exclude the lessons on chastity that include the Half-Eaten Cookie Story (or any version there of), or stories of how you are better of dead then to lose your virginity under any circumstance. Fear is NOT a good motivator to do good.
Chances are I will be blogging about what I read and listen to from this podcast site- I think it's good stuff!
PS- "millennial thinking" is in reference to my generation, commonly referred to as the Millennial Generation. One of the things discussed in the podcast was that those who are members of this generation are more technologically savvy which means they have access to more information that ever before, which leads to more questions that Church leaders have a hard time answering.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
why get married?
What is a good reason to get married?
Because you love that person?
Because that person is your best friend?
Because you want to have sex with that person?
Because you want to have children with that person?
Because that person may be your last shot a marriage?
Because you can't imagine life without that person?
Because that person makes you happy?
Because that person inspires you to be better?
Because you love that persons family?
Because you want to have a wedding?
Because your religion says you have to?
Because your parents tell you to?
Because you need someone?
Because that person completes you?
Because you want to grow old with that person?
Why do people get married?
Because you love that person?
Because that person is your best friend?
Because you want to have sex with that person?
Because you want to have children with that person?
Because that person may be your last shot a marriage?
Because you can't imagine life without that person?
Because that person makes you happy?
Because that person inspires you to be better?
Because you love that persons family?
Because you want to have a wedding?
Because your religion says you have to?
Because your parents tell you to?
Because you need someone?
Because that person completes you?
Because you want to grow old with that person?
Why do people get married?
Monday, May 23, 2011
love and expectations
It has been said that when you love someone you should love and accept all of them, faults and perfections. Does that mean that if there is something that bothers you about the person you should either learn to live with it or break up with them? Is it wrong to think that it's okay to change for someone if the change is in a positive direction? Of course that brings in the ambivalence of "a positive direction." That is to say that what is a positive direction for me could be seen as a negative direction for another person. So... what do you think?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
ps...
I didn't go to do door-to-door sales... I am now working in a deli and living with my parents. I'm also training a horse and learning the play the guitar. This is summer will be just fine.
desire
A friend of mine told me that everything we are starts with what we desire. What we desire leads to how we prioritize, which leads to how we think, which leads to how we choose and we are defined by our choices. When this friend asked me what I desired for my life, I didn't have an answer. Well I have an answer now.
I desire a husband who loves me in spite of my skin, loves to travel, is strong in the LDS Church, wants to be a father, and is my best friend. I want a marriage that will last forever. I desire a family. I want a small ranch in a place like Cache Valley, only warmer. I want horses and dogs. I want a home that my kids will feel safe in. I want a nice house where we can be comfortable. I desire a career that will let me help people while still being a great mom. I want to travel with my family. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with it.
I desire a husband who loves me in spite of my skin, loves to travel, is strong in the LDS Church, wants to be a father, and is my best friend. I want a marriage that will last forever. I desire a family. I want a small ranch in a place like Cache Valley, only warmer. I want horses and dogs. I want a home that my kids will feel safe in. I want a nice house where we can be comfortable. I desire a career that will let me help people while still being a great mom. I want to travel with my family. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with it.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
unanswerable question
why do i still mourn and grieve over that which has been lost to me for a year?
why does my heart crack when i see things that remind me?
why do i cry when i remember?
why do i get jealous and angry?
why do i miss something that i shouldn't?
[yeah, it's cryptic, deal with it ;) ]
why does my heart crack when i see things that remind me?
why do i cry when i remember?
why do i get jealous and angry?
why do i miss something that i shouldn't?
[yeah, it's cryptic, deal with it ;) ]
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
door-to-door summer sales
My manager has been trying to encourage me to tell myself that I will make lots of sales and do great this summer and he doesn't understand why I always say "maybe" or "I hope so." Well this is why.
I don't want to build it up in my head that I'll do great over this summer and have it flop flat on it's face. I don't want to think that I'll come home with $10,000 only to come home with $4,000. I fear that this job is going to be so rough and tough that I go home crying after six days.
Every time I tell someone that I'm going to do door-to-door summer sales 99% of the time I get the same are-you-crazy-you're-gonna-have-a-horrible-summer-look on their face. I've had people say, "You are so brave, I could never do that," or "Wow, good luck!! *eye roll*" Not once have I told someone and had them say, "You're gonna do great! You'll have a lot of fun!" Okay, that's a lie, one person has said that to me. Kyrstal, and she did the same program last year, but she's the only one.
I know I should be able to "fill my own bucket" and such but it's hard when everyone pokes holes in it faster than I can patch them up.
I'm losing my nerve and starting to regret this job. But I'm in for the long haul; it's too late to find another job. I sure hope that I do well at this and that it is fun and rewarding...
Some encouraging words would be nice... and yes, I'm fishing for them.
I don't want to build it up in my head that I'll do great over this summer and have it flop flat on it's face. I don't want to think that I'll come home with $10,000 only to come home with $4,000. I fear that this job is going to be so rough and tough that I go home crying after six days.
Every time I tell someone that I'm going to do door-to-door summer sales 99% of the time I get the same are-you-crazy-you're-gonna-have-a-horrible-summer-look on their face. I've had people say, "You are so brave, I could never do that," or "Wow, good luck!! *eye roll*" Not once have I told someone and had them say, "You're gonna do great! You'll have a lot of fun!" Okay, that's a lie, one person has said that to me. Kyrstal, and she did the same program last year, but she's the only one.
I know I should be able to "fill my own bucket" and such but it's hard when everyone pokes holes in it faster than I can patch them up.
I'm losing my nerve and starting to regret this job. But I'm in for the long haul; it's too late to find another job. I sure hope that I do well at this and that it is fun and rewarding...
Some encouraging words would be nice... and yes, I'm fishing for them.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
why me?
For the last few days I have been asking myself, "Why me?! Why do I have puffy, red, itchy skin on my fave that won't go away?" Sometimes I wonder if it's because I bottle all my emotions up until I have heartburn, or maybe it's because I'm not a good enough Mormon, or possibly because I just down right unhealthy...
But then again....
Why do I have great friend who come to aid when I fall down?
Why do I have a wonderful apartment?
Why do I have my parents lovely home to return to any time I want?
Why does my hometown have two Wal-Marts? (a supposed sign of prosperity)
Why do I have a car to drive?
Why can I afford to go to college?
Why do I have two parents who love me?
Why am I still alive?
Why was I born where I was?
Why am I so blessed?
But then again....
Why do I have great friend who come to aid when I fall down?
Why do I have a wonderful apartment?
Why do I have my parents lovely home to return to any time I want?
Why does my hometown have two Wal-Marts? (a supposed sign of prosperity)
Why do I have a car to drive?
Why can I afford to go to college?
Why do I have two parents who love me?
Why am I still alive?
Why was I born where I was?
Why am I so blessed?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
sad weekend
Last Tue
sday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(
Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.
Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.
I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?
sday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.
Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.
I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?
Monday, April 4, 2011
healthy?
I'm am unhealthy.
I am severely sensitive to shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving cream, lotion, perfume, anything with fragrance, makeup, hair spray & gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, dish soap, regular hand soap, and toothpaste. Wheat makes me eczema worse, and milk makes me constipated. I've been on antibiotics for a month and a half and will be one them for another two weeks. Since I've been on antibiotics for so long I have a yeast infection and it won't go away. I just got a phone call today that told me that I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that is in my kidneys. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new diet and new way of living. Since I can't ware makeup like I used to, I feel so... unattractive. I cry a lot because I feel like I'm not healthy or good looking enough for my boyfriend, even though he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he does his best to adapt to my diet. My lips and eyes are still scaly, thought not as bad. And I have small, red, itchy circles on my cheeks, chin, and hairline.
I just want to be healthy and normal and happy. People keep telling me I'm so strong and amazing for doing this. Well let me tell you, I'm not. I can't do this. I used to think nothing of it, until people starting saying how great I was... Now I realize I'm not normal or healthy and I hate it. Why can't I eat the pizza that my mom buys for me? Why can't I wear perfume? Why can't I smell nice? Why can't I wear makeup?
I just want to be healthy, happy, normal, and pretty. I keep trying to see the bright side, but it's getting harder. I'm stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy.
I still have pretty blue/green eyes.
I still have golden brown hair.
I am still strong.
I still have a boyfriend who loves me.
I can still eat apples and oranges.
I still have a family who cares about me.
I still have roommates who love me.
I am going to be working an amazing job this summer, in another state, and I'm gonna make enough money.
I am still in school and I'm loving what I'm studying.
Everything will be okay.
I am severely sensitive to shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving cream, lotion, perfume, anything with fragrance, makeup, hair spray & gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, dish soap, regular hand soap, and toothpaste. Wheat makes me eczema worse, and milk makes me constipated. I've been on antibiotics for a month and a half and will be one them for another two weeks. Since I've been on antibiotics for so long I have a yeast infection and it won't go away. I just got a phone call today that told me that I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that is in my kidneys. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new diet and new way of living. Since I can't ware makeup like I used to, I feel so... unattractive. I cry a lot because I feel like I'm not healthy or good looking enough for my boyfriend, even though he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he does his best to adapt to my diet. My lips and eyes are still scaly, thought not as bad. And I have small, red, itchy circles on my cheeks, chin, and hairline.
I just want to be healthy and normal and happy. People keep telling me I'm so strong and amazing for doing this. Well let me tell you, I'm not. I can't do this. I used to think nothing of it, until people starting saying how great I was... Now I realize I'm not normal or healthy and I hate it. Why can't I eat the pizza that my mom buys for me? Why can't I wear perfume? Why can't I smell nice? Why can't I wear makeup?
I just want to be healthy, happy, normal, and pretty. I keep trying to see the bright side, but it's getting harder. I'm stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy.
I still have pretty blue/green eyes.
I still have golden brown hair.
I am still strong.
I still have a boyfriend who loves me.
I can still eat apples and oranges.
I still have a family who cares about me.
I still have roommates who love me.
I am going to be working an amazing job this summer, in another state, and I'm gonna make enough money.
I am still in school and I'm loving what I'm studying.
Everything will be okay.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
family day
Today was family day at my singles ward. It was also the first time I have returned to my own ward in over 3 months. I haven't gone to that wards since I told Tyler that my therapist thought I needed to get him out of my life; that was a rough night... I have avoided my ward due to the fact that Tyler is in my ward and seeing him still hurts me.
Well, after much prodding from a friend, I agreed to go to Family Day and bring my parents; I secretly hoped that Tyler wouldn't have invited his mother and step-father, even though I knew it would be in vain. I showed up at the church house today and sure enough, Tyler was there with his family. His mother went to my Relief Society class and she bore her testimony at the end of the lesson. Hearing her voice again tore me to pieces; I cried. But the hardest part was when Tyler stood up to bear his testimony; he looked right at me... and I smiled. During the Linger Longer Luncheon after the services, Janet, Tyler's mother, came and hugged me and told me that she misses me, and still loves me very much. She also asked me to call her tomorrow; and I'm going to. I miss her so much, and I love her too. It would be so great to talk to her. Kenna was also there, I hugged her and wished her a belated happy birthday. I also said hi to Jeff. But I never spoke to Tyler, just smiled at him and waved good-bye as I left. I still have feelings for him. A part of me will always love him and wish him happiness and good health. BUT...
I love Alex Raymond Barker very much. He is an amazing man and he loves me. I can always tell in the way he looks at me and speaks to me that he cherishes me, and values me. That is one thing I missed from Tyler. I could never tell just by the way he spoke to or looked at me that he loved me, valued me, or cherished me. I love Alex and he loves me; I'm not leaving him.
As much as I love Alex, I still have feelings for Tyler. And as much Alex loves me, he still has feelings for his ex. We have acknowledged these old feelings to each and we are both okay that the other has them. And it doesn't change how much we love each other, or how devoted we are to each other.
This my declaration of love for Alex Raymond Barker of Willard, Utah. I love him and want to stay with him for as long as I can. I am grateful to Tyler for so many things, but right now I am grateful for the lesson he taught me; if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, love him and respect him enough to let him find someone else, it's okay. If things don't end in marriage for Alex and I, it's okay; I he will always have a place in my heart.
Well, after much prodding from a friend, I agreed to go to Family Day and bring my parents; I secretly hoped that Tyler wouldn't have invited his mother and step-father, even though I knew it would be in vain. I showed up at the church house today and sure enough, Tyler was there with his family. His mother went to my Relief Society class and she bore her testimony at the end of the lesson. Hearing her voice again tore me to pieces; I cried. But the hardest part was when Tyler stood up to bear his testimony; he looked right at me... and I smiled. During the Linger Longer Luncheon after the services, Janet, Tyler's mother, came and hugged me and told me that she misses me, and still loves me very much. She also asked me to call her tomorrow; and I'm going to. I miss her so much, and I love her too. It would be so great to talk to her. Kenna was also there, I hugged her and wished her a belated happy birthday. I also said hi to Jeff. But I never spoke to Tyler, just smiled at him and waved good-bye as I left. I still have feelings for him. A part of me will always love him and wish him happiness and good health. BUT...
I love Alex Raymond Barker very much. He is an amazing man and he loves me. I can always tell in the way he looks at me and speaks to me that he cherishes me, and values me. That is one thing I missed from Tyler. I could never tell just by the way he spoke to or looked at me that he loved me, valued me, or cherished me. I love Alex and he loves me; I'm not leaving him.
As much as I love Alex, I still have feelings for Tyler. And as much Alex loves me, he still has feelings for his ex. We have acknowledged these old feelings to each and we are both okay that the other has them. And it doesn't change how much we love each other, or how devoted we are to each other.
This my declaration of love for Alex Raymond Barker of Willard, Utah. I love him and want to stay with him for as long as I can. I am grateful to Tyler for so many things, but right now I am grateful for the lesson he taught me; if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, love him and respect him enough to let him find someone else, it's okay. If things don't end in marriage for Alex and I, it's okay; I he will always have a place in my heart.
Monday, March 21, 2011
guess what i just realized...
In just over three months I will turn 21 and in about 15 months I will turn 22. I know that's an odd thing to realize, but there's significance to the age 22. My cousin married his wonderful wife in February 2002, just after her 22nd birthday, and she's been a great addition to the family. I don't remember when, but sometime ago, she told me not to get married until I was 22 because it was the best age to get married at; I promised her I won't get married before 22... haha! I almost broke that promise twice, but I don't think I'm gonna get close to braking it again. But in just over 15 months, one year and three months, I will turn 22... And I don't even remotely feel ready to get married! In the next two years I will complete my undergrad courses, I will complete a practicum, I will do undergraduate research, and I will be going to my five year high school reunion. I will also be taking the GRE, filling out applications to get into grad school, and maybe moving to a different state. I might also get married!
......this is just too weird...... I don't feel old enough to be reaching this milestones already
......this is just too weird...... I don't feel old enough to be reaching this milestones already
Friday, March 4, 2011
i believe
I believe that Jesus Christ is my savior and that the Lord God, my Father in Heaven, loves me. I fervently believe that Earth is our learning ground where we learn about ourselves and other people; where we learn and grow into better versions of ourselves, whatever that might be. I believe that there is not a single perfect person on this planet right now; we make mistakes and screw up but that's okay! I believe that God, in His wisdom, knew that we would make mistakes and He did, and is doing, everything in His power to help us make good choices and remain close to Him. One of those things that God did for us was to orchestrate a plan wherein one of His sons would be sacrificed on the alter of the world for all those who would live in it. This son was Jesus Christ.
For all my faith and belief in Jesus Christ, I haven't read the New Testament, the holy script about His ministry on Earth, since I was a freshman in high school. At this crossroads in my life, when I am struggling with what I believe, who I am, and what I want from my existence, I think it is important for me to re-ground myself in what I believe. And that is Christ.
I am scared that I am losing my base. As I have been reading and investigating and talking to people about the LDS Church I have been becoming increasingly more frightened about the direction things are headed. I want so badly for God to speak to me, to give me that "Go here, do this," direction that He gave Joseph Smith, Jr, all those years ago. (Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan just came on...) But as much as I want that direct instruction, I know that God won't give it to me because this life, and this Earth, were made so that I could learn how to be me and to do what is right. I just wish that God would tell me something, or answer me anything... Somewhere in the Book of Mormon, I don't remember quite where, someone says that God doesn't answer the prayers of the wicked... But what if the wicked just want to know if God and Christ are true and right?
For all my faith and belief in Jesus Christ, I haven't read the New Testament, the holy script about His ministry on Earth, since I was a freshman in high school. At this crossroads in my life, when I am struggling with what I believe, who I am, and what I want from my existence, I think it is important for me to re-ground myself in what I believe. And that is Christ.
I am scared that I am losing my base. As I have been reading and investigating and talking to people about the LDS Church I have been becoming increasingly more frightened about the direction things are headed. I want so badly for God to speak to me, to give me that "Go here, do this," direction that He gave Joseph Smith, Jr, all those years ago. (Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan just came on...) But as much as I want that direct instruction, I know that God won't give it to me because this life, and this Earth, were made so that I could learn how to be me and to do what is right. I just wish that God would tell me something, or answer me anything... Somewhere in the Book of Mormon, I don't remember quite where, someone says that God doesn't answer the prayers of the wicked... But what if the wicked just want to know if God and Christ are true and right?
Monday, February 28, 2011
the doctor
I have three different kinds of dermatitis and an infection. I'll be on five new meds, plus my 6 other ones. I have to take bathes now. I have to use different lotions. I have to do patch testing which will require me missing a whole weeks work of a class because I have to go to SLC three times in five days to have it read. I may be a full blown celiac. I had 40 mL of blood drawn for 10 different tests. I just.......
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm grateful that they are figuring it all out but I''m still in pain... And my arm hurts from the blood draw :'(
I just want to go to bed and wake up when spring comes.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm grateful that they are figuring it all out but I''m still in pain... And my arm hurts from the blood draw :'(
I just want to go to bed and wake up when spring comes.
Friday, February 25, 2011
eczema sucks
I'm so sick of this!!! I'm sick of this red, scaly, painful, itchy, sticky, gross rash! I'm sick of not being able to wear make-up. I'm sick of not being able to wear my contacts. I'm sick of not being able to use perfume or nice smelling lotions. I'm sick of having to lather up using weird smelling lotions that sting. I'm sick not being able to wear nail polish. I'm sick of crying being painful. I'm sick of not feeling beautiful. I'm sick of people asking me what's wrong with my face. I'm sick and STINKING TIRED of ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
finally over
For those of you who have seen The Holiday, do you remember the scene when Kate Winslet tells her unrequited love, Jasper, that things are over?
"It's over! It's finally over!! This twisted, toxic, THING between us is finally over!..."
Every time I think the words, "It's over," I hear a British accent.
Tyler Glaittli is finally out of my life in all forms.
Yesterday he texted me, telling me that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that he missed me so much he couldn't sleep well and he'd lost his appetite. He told me that he realized that he hadn't treated me very well, that he wasn't compassionate towards my feelings and that he wished he'd have tried harder in our relationship. He told me that he hopes I find someone who is better then him. I responded to that text with the four words, "I think I have." He stopped texting me.
When I got home and opened my facebook account, there was his most recent post, made around the time he was telling me how much he missed me: Is there anybody going to listen to my story. It's the first line from the song Girl by The Beatles. The rest of the song goes: ...all about the girl who came to stay. She's the kinda girl you want so much it makes you sorry, still you don't regret a single day. That was a song he sang often, when referring to me. I posted as my status: My words have been said, my tears have been shed. There's nothing left to do but ramble on. That song, Ramble On, holds such deep meaning to us both, I knew he'd get it; "move on, I am."
Tonight, as I performed my ritualistic logging on to facebook, I noticed something odd: my friend numbers had dropped. I looked through my friends list wondering who was missing, and I had a good guess. Sure enough, Tyler Glaittli was gone. I searched his name and facebook told me that there was an error in the processing of my request. I looked up his sister; his name didn't show up in her friends. I looked up his mom; again, his name didn't show up. He had blocked me. After 19 months of broken hearts and tears and laughter and loving, he's gone.
I have moved on from Tyler, but then again, I'd moved on from him before only to return to his familiar arms. It's an odd feeling, not having him there on facebook... Like, realizing you don't have an old book sitting on your shelf anymore. You always thought it would be there, even though you had no intention of reading it again but now that it's gone you kinda miss it. I do miss Tyler. But the Tyler that I loved and dated, and the Tyler that I texted last night are not the same person. I miss the Tyler I loved. But I don't miss him enough to go looking for him. I will go through some mourning over this.
I do think I've found someone better than Tyler. Alex isn't grossed out by my dry, flaky, red skin. In fact, he spent about 15 minutes going over my face with tweezers pulling off the flakes. Some would say that's weird, I think that's wonderful. Alex is a nerd like me and loves to be spontaneous and goof off. He can watch a deep, thoughtful movie and discuss it with me, but he loves The Simpsons and he likes to watch Scrubs with me. Alex tells me every day that I'm beautiful and pretty and "a lightweight." Alex and I can sit on a couch next to each other for hours and never say a word, just read separate books. He also really likes when I read to him; we're reading Star Wars right now. Alex loves to cuddle up close to me and talk to me about anything and everything. I know I've only known him for two months and that things could change and he could turn out exactly like Tyler, but I seriously doubt that. Only time will tell.
"It's over! It's finally over!! This twisted, toxic, THING between us is finally over!..."
Every time I think the words, "It's over," I hear a British accent.
Tyler Glaittli is finally out of my life in all forms.
Yesterday he texted me, telling me that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that he missed me so much he couldn't sleep well and he'd lost his appetite. He told me that he realized that he hadn't treated me very well, that he wasn't compassionate towards my feelings and that he wished he'd have tried harder in our relationship. He told me that he hopes I find someone who is better then him. I responded to that text with the four words, "I think I have." He stopped texting me.
When I got home and opened my facebook account, there was his most recent post, made around the time he was telling me how much he missed me: Is there anybody going to listen to my story. It's the first line from the song Girl by The Beatles. The rest of the song goes: ...all about the girl who came to stay. She's the kinda girl you want so much it makes you sorry, still you don't regret a single day. That was a song he sang often, when referring to me. I posted as my status: My words have been said, my tears have been shed. There's nothing left to do but ramble on. That song, Ramble On, holds such deep meaning to us both, I knew he'd get it; "move on, I am."
Tonight, as I performed my ritualistic logging on to facebook, I noticed something odd: my friend numbers had dropped. I looked through my friends list wondering who was missing, and I had a good guess. Sure enough, Tyler Glaittli was gone. I searched his name and facebook told me that there was an error in the processing of my request. I looked up his sister; his name didn't show up in her friends. I looked up his mom; again, his name didn't show up. He had blocked me. After 19 months of broken hearts and tears and laughter and loving, he's gone.
I have moved on from Tyler, but then again, I'd moved on from him before only to return to his familiar arms. It's an odd feeling, not having him there on facebook... Like, realizing you don't have an old book sitting on your shelf anymore. You always thought it would be there, even though you had no intention of reading it again but now that it's gone you kinda miss it. I do miss Tyler. But the Tyler that I loved and dated, and the Tyler that I texted last night are not the same person. I miss the Tyler I loved. But I don't miss him enough to go looking for him. I will go through some mourning over this.
I do think I've found someone better than Tyler. Alex isn't grossed out by my dry, flaky, red skin. In fact, he spent about 15 minutes going over my face with tweezers pulling off the flakes. Some would say that's weird, I think that's wonderful. Alex is a nerd like me and loves to be spontaneous and goof off. He can watch a deep, thoughtful movie and discuss it with me, but he loves The Simpsons and he likes to watch Scrubs with me. Alex tells me every day that I'm beautiful and pretty and "a lightweight." Alex and I can sit on a couch next to each other for hours and never say a word, just read separate books. He also really likes when I read to him; we're reading Star Wars right now. Alex loves to cuddle up close to me and talk to me about anything and everything. I know I've only known him for two months and that things could change and he could turn out exactly like Tyler, but I seriously doubt that. Only time will tell.
Friday, February 18, 2011
god made me do it
Does the presence of religion really make you a better person? Is it the idea of Divine Judgment that inspires us to do good? If you didn't have the theology that God is watching you and if you don't do "the right thing" then you will be punished, would you still do good? As I have been pondering the thoughts and feelings on the faith of those around me, I have been wondering if it is God (or the idea of God) that makes us do (or be) good. Would mankind be better off with everyone having God in their life? The idea that you must do good, and be good, or you're life will be for not and you will be punished is quite compelling. Why not do or be good just because you want your life and the lives of those around you to be better?
As I have been pondering religion and my faith I have noticed that I am a lot more short tempered with certain people (like my grandpa, my aunt, and my sister) and I'll admit, it bothers me! These are people I love (most of the time) and care about (again, most of the time) and I want to be nice and build stronger relationships with them but it's so hard! Something just rubs me the wrong way. But I believe in the Four Agreements, the second of which is "don't take anything personally." With most people that is quite easy to do, and I live in the same way (hoping people don't take what I have to say personally). But I really hate it when people believe or say things about me that just aren't true! Like, I'm a martyr, or lazy, or a lair, or a whore, or whatever else isn't true. And maybe those things they say about me are true to them, but they aren't to me and I don't like the idea of other people who don't know me getting an idea of who I am based on fallacy. But in spite of people saying untrue things about me, I should still be nice to them, right? Especially if they are my family. I shouldn't feel such feeling of animosity but I do, and I wonder if it's because I'm not living my religion the way I should. Is it the absence of the Holy Spirit's constant companionship that is making me short tempered? Shouldn't I be a kind person either way?
I think that people should be nice, kind, compassionate, charitable, etc., because they want to be, not because they think that they will somehow be rewarded or saved for their efforts. That sort of "being good" is only self-serving and not from the heart. Do it because you want to, not because you think God is making you by holding your salvation over your head.
As I have been pondering religion and my faith I have noticed that I am a lot more short tempered with certain people (like my grandpa, my aunt, and my sister) and I'll admit, it bothers me! These are people I love (most of the time) and care about (again, most of the time) and I want to be nice and build stronger relationships with them but it's so hard! Something just rubs me the wrong way. But I believe in the Four Agreements, the second of which is "don't take anything personally." With most people that is quite easy to do, and I live in the same way (hoping people don't take what I have to say personally). But I really hate it when people believe or say things about me that just aren't true! Like, I'm a martyr, or lazy, or a lair, or a whore, or whatever else isn't true. And maybe those things they say about me are true to them, but they aren't to me and I don't like the idea of other people who don't know me getting an idea of who I am based on fallacy. But in spite of people saying untrue things about me, I should still be nice to them, right? Especially if they are my family. I shouldn't feel such feeling of animosity but I do, and I wonder if it's because I'm not living my religion the way I should. Is it the absence of the Holy Spirit's constant companionship that is making me short tempered? Shouldn't I be a kind person either way?
I think that people should be nice, kind, compassionate, charitable, etc., because they want to be, not because they think that they will somehow be rewarded or saved for their efforts. That sort of "being good" is only self-serving and not from the heart. Do it because you want to, not because you think God is making you by holding your salvation over your head.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
health week
It is health week on campus. Yesterday there were pieces of paper taped to the mirrors in the bathrooms that said, "Time-out Tuesday: take some time to relax. Do yoga, go for a walk, or take a nap!" And today the pieces of paper were different, "No-number Wednesday: don't think about how much you weight or how many calories you are burning on the exercise machine; your value can't be measured in numbers!" I know that these two things, stress and weight management, weigh on my mind a lot.
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
time management
I have a hard time with time management. I have a long list of things to do but seem to do only half of them. Maybe it's because I get sucked into watching movies with my roomies or sucked into facebook. The joke, "I opened my browser and facebook was up... I didn't realize time had passed until the sun went down (or rose)," totally fits my life. And hanging out with Alex takes time too, thought we do work on homework together so that helps. Making money also takes time, and spending it does too. And eating!! Why do I have to waste time cooking and then eating? Why can't I just photosynthesize? That would make my life a little easier... but I'd have to move to warmer state to make it advantageous. And don't get me started on sleeping! Did you know that if you sleep less than 8 hours a night you gain 3-4 lbs in a week? But when was the last time I had 8 hours of good sleep? I don't even know..... Homework takes time... Religion takes time... Classes take time... Laundry takes time... So many things to do, but how do I do it all?! That is the question I pose to you dear reader: How do you manage your time? What are some tricks, tips, and suggestions you can give to me, a starving college student ;) , about how to manage my time more efficiently.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
once upon a time
**DISCLAIMER: if you like to see me as a good little Mormon girl, if you like to think I'm perfect (or close to it), or if you don't want to know my dirty secrets then I'd suggest not reading this**
Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?
Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?
I know many people who play the, "If I wasn't Mormon" Game. It's basically a list of things we would do, or be doing, if we weren't Mormon. Pretty self explanatory right? I would be a coffee drinker, I wouldn't be a virgin, and I would have a tattoo. I'd probably live with a group of my closest friends, regardless of gender, and I wouldn't go to church very often; it'd be more likely that you'd find me hiking, boating, snowmobiling, or doing something else outdoors. I already watch R-rated movies so that's covered. After years of playing the "If I wasn't Mormon" game, I never thought I'd actually do some of the things on my list.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
new year's resolution part II
I've already broken one of my resolutions and for those who know me, this won't be a surprise. I have broken resolution #9- no serious dating until May 2011. I now I have a boyfriend named Alex and he's a sweetheart!
I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.
I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.
Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!
I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.
I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.
Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!
Friday, January 7, 2011
attack of the past
You see that good lookin' dark haired guy sitting next to me? His name is Thomas. I met him on the first day of class in the 6th grade and I was instantly attracted to him. When he found out that I had a crush on him, I became the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. This was a theme for the rest of my public education. This picture was taken at my house; I asked Thomas to be my date for the Sadie Hawkins 2007 dance. It was the November of my senior year and I promised my best friend that I would ask him if she asked her crush. I was betting quite heavily that Thomas would say no to me. Imagine my utter shock when he didn't. That was the single most awkward date I have ever been on. Okay... maybe second. After that date I don't think he ever spoke to me again. After graduation we went our separate ways. I went to USU and he went on a mission.I was at the grocery store with my mom and little sister today. I was just getting done using the restroom after having bumped into my most recent ex when Ali called me. "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!?!" "Yeah, I know, my ex is here." "NO!!! Thomas is in the store!!" The adrenaline that flooded my system was immediate and over-powering. I was in high school again and the guy I liked, but who hated me, was in the store. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was shopping with him mom. I walked swiftly around the corner with my sister. "You are not allowed to leave the store without looking at him," my mom whispered to me with a laugh. I walked briskly down the isle, aware that he and his mother were behind us. I was so tense and high-strung. He walked passed me and my cart on his way down another isle. My family went to check-out and so did he. As I left the store, I had to pass him. As I walked passed, he called out to me, "Hi Erin." I froze. HE spoke to me... Thomas spoke to me... of what I presume is his own free will. We exchanged pleasantries and discussed the fact that he just got home from a mission to Minnesota on Wednesday, how here was warmer than there, and how he was doing classes at USU this coming term. I left the store feeling shell-shocked and rocked to my core. I was also extremely embarrassed because my mom and little sister said that I laid on the flirt just about as thick as they had ever seen.
I just... wow, it was weird to see him. I feel like such a high schooler right now.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
WARNING: angry rants and ravings
I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.
I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!
I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.
I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(
This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.
I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!
I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.
I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(
This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
new year's revolutions
1- no sweets except on Sunday (the sugar messes with my head)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)