how to be a good girlfriend

Over the course of my life I have had many relationships but none have lasted longer than four months. As of today I have been dating my current boyfriend for seven months, two weeks, and two days and I'm scared. Yeah, that's right, scared. I have never been this deep in a relationship or in love and I'm so terrified for when the ending will come. And one way or another it will come, either we'll break up or we'll get married and then when we get old one of us will die first. I don't want this relationship to end.

Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...

How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?

*explicit* the freakout

Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.

I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.

I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.

I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!

What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.

obsession

I have an obsession with weddings, in a bad way. There, I admit it. I am obsessed with weddings! And engagements, and marriages, and divorce, and relationships!! And this isn't an obsession wherein I have already booked my venue, bought my dress, picked a band, and have a photographer on standby while I wait for my true love. No, this is an obsession wherein I scour Facebook for changes in relationship status, engagement and wedding pictures, and frequently comment, out loud for anyone within earshot to hear, "Why the hell do people get married so young?!," all whilst I bemoan my singleness.

After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.

I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.

I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.

Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."

sad weekend

Last Tuesday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(

Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.

Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.

I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?

family day

Today was family day at my singles ward. It was also the first time I have returned to my own ward in over 3 months. I haven't gone to that wards since I told Tyler that my therapist thought I needed to get him out of my life; that was a rough night... I have avoided my ward due to the fact that Tyler is in my ward and seeing him still hurts me.

Well, after much prodding from a friend, I agreed to go to Family Day and bring my parents; I secretly hoped that Tyler wouldn't have invited his mother and step-father, even though I knew it would be in vain. I showed up at the church house today and sure enough, Tyler was there with his family. His mother went to my Relief Society class and she bore her testimony at the end of the lesson. Hearing her voice again tore me to pieces; I cried. But the hardest part was when Tyler stood up to bear his testimony; he looked right at me... and I smiled. During the Linger Longer Luncheon after the services, Janet, Tyler's mother, came and hugged me and told me that she misses me, and still loves me very much. She also asked me to call her tomorrow; and I'm going to. I miss her so much, and I love her too. It would be so great to talk to her. Kenna was also there, I hugged her and wished her a belated happy birthday. I also said hi to Jeff. But I never spoke to Tyler, just smiled at him and waved good-bye as I left. I still have feelings for him. A part of me will always love him and wish him happiness and good health. BUT...

I love Alex Raymond Barker very much. He is an amazing man and he loves me. I can always tell in the way he looks at me and speaks to me that he cherishes me, and values me. That is one thing I missed from Tyler. I could never tell just by the way he spoke to or looked at me that he loved me, valued me, or cherished me. I love Alex and he loves me; I'm not leaving him.

As much as I love Alex, I still have feelings for Tyler. And as much Alex loves me, he still has feelings for his ex. We have acknowledged these old feelings to each and we are both okay that the other has them. And it doesn't change how much we love each other, or how devoted we are to each other.

This my declaration of love for Alex Raymond Barker of Willard, Utah. I love him and want to stay with him for as long as I can. I am grateful to Tyler for so many things, but right now I am grateful for the lesson he taught me; if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, love him and respect him enough to let him find someone else, it's okay. If things don't end in marriage for Alex and I, it's okay; I he will always have a place in my heart.

finally over

For those of you who have seen The Holiday, do you remember the scene when Kate Winslet tells her unrequited love, Jasper, that things are over?

"It's over! It's finally over!! This twisted, toxic, THING between us is finally over!..."

Every time I think the words, "It's over," I hear a British accent.

Tyler Glaittli is finally out of my life in all forms.

Yesterday he texted me, telling me that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that he missed me so much he couldn't sleep well and he'd lost his appetite. He told me that he realized that he hadn't treated me very well, that he wasn't compassionate towards my feelings and that he wished he'd have tried harder in our relationship. He told me that he hopes I find someone who is better then him. I responded to that text with the four words, "I think I have." He stopped texting me.

When I got home and opened my facebook account, there was his most recent post, made around the time he was telling me how much he missed me: Is there anybody going to listen to my story. It's the first line from the song Girl by The Beatles. The rest of the song goes: ...all about the girl who came to stay. She's the kinda girl you want so much it makes you sorry, still you don't regret a single day. That was a song he sang often, when referring to me. I posted as my status: My words have been said, my tears have been shed. There's nothing left to do but ramble on. That song, Ramble On, holds such deep meaning to us both, I knew he'd get it; "move on, I am."

Tonight, as I performed my ritualistic logging on to facebook, I noticed something odd: my friend numbers had dropped. I looked through my friends list wondering who was missing, and I had a good guess. Sure enough, Tyler Glaittli was gone. I searched his name and facebook told me that there was an error in the processing of my request. I looked up his sister; his name didn't show up in her friends. I looked up his mom; again, his name didn't show up. He had blocked me. After 19 months of broken hearts and tears and laughter and loving, he's gone.

I have moved on from Tyler, but then again, I'd moved on from him before only to return to his familiar arms. It's an odd feeling, not having him there on facebook... Like, realizing you don't have an old book sitting on your shelf anymore. You always thought it would be there, even though you had no intention of reading it again but now that it's gone you kinda miss it. I do miss Tyler. But the Tyler that I loved and dated, and the Tyler that I texted last night are not the same person. I miss the Tyler I loved. But I don't miss him enough to go looking for him. I will go through some mourning over this.

I do think I've found someone better than Tyler. Alex isn't grossed out by my dry, flaky, red skin. In fact, he spent about 15 minutes going over my face with tweezers pulling off the flakes. Some would say that's weird, I think that's wonderful. Alex is a nerd like me and loves to be spontaneous and goof off. He can watch a deep, thoughtful movie and discuss it with me, but he loves The Simpsons and he likes to watch Scrubs with me. Alex tells me every day that I'm beautiful and pretty and "a lightweight." Alex and I can sit on a couch next to each other for hours and never say a word, just read separate books. He also really likes when I read to him; we're reading Star Wars right now. Alex loves to cuddle up close to me and talk to me about anything and everything. I know I've only known him for two months and that things could change and he could turn out exactly like Tyler, but I seriously doubt that. Only time will tell.

new year's resolution part II

I've already broken one of my resolutions and for those who know me, this won't be a surprise. I have broken resolution #9- no serious dating until May 2011. I now I have a boyfriend named Alex and he's a sweetheart!

I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.

I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.

Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!

attack of the past

You see that good lookin' dark haired guy sitting next to me? His name is Thomas. I met him on the first day of class in the 6th grade and I was instantly attracted to him. When he found out that I had a crush on him, I became the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. This was a theme for the rest of my public education. This picture was taken at my house; I asked Thomas to be my date for the Sadie Hawkins 2007 dance. It was the November of my senior year and I promised my best friend that I would ask him if she asked her crush. I was betting quite heavily that Thomas would say no to me. Imagine my utter shock when he didn't. That was the single most awkward date I have ever been on. Okay... maybe second. After that date I don't think he ever spoke to me again. After graduation we went our separate ways. I went to USU and he went on a mission.

I was at the grocery store with my mom and little sister today. I was just getting done using the restroom after having bumped into my most recent ex when Ali called me. "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!?!" "Yeah, I know, my ex is here." "NO!!! Thomas is in the store!!" The adrenaline that flooded my system was immediate and over-powering. I was in high school again and the guy I liked, but who hated me, was in the store. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was shopping with him mom. I walked swiftly around the corner with my sister. "You are not allowed to leave the store without looking at him," my mom whispered to me with a laugh. I walked briskly down the isle, aware that he and his mother were behind us. I was so tense and high-strung. He walked passed me and my cart on his way down another isle. My family went to check-out and so did he. As I left the store, I had to pass him. As I walked passed, he called out to me, "Hi Erin." I froze. HE spoke to me... Thomas spoke to me... of what I presume is his own free will. We exchanged pleasantries and discussed the fact that he just got home from a mission to Minnesota on Wednesday, how here was warmer than there, and how he was doing classes at USU this coming term. I left the store feeling shell-shocked and rocked to my core. I was also extremely embarrassed because my mom and little sister said that I laid on the flirt just about as thick as they had ever seen.

I just... wow, it was weird to see him. I feel like such a high schooler right now.

WARNING: angry rants and ravings

I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.

I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!

I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.

I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(

This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.

a change of pace

For the last two years I've been in and out of relationships, and I haven't had any time to figure myself out. I did learn a lot about myself from those relationships but I need to integrate that information into my self-concept. I know that makes me sound like a computer but I really feel like I need to take what I've learned from these relationships, and redefine myself. I am going to take a hiatus from men. I know I've said that before but I'm serious this time. And it actually won't be that hard. All of the guys in my ward I am interested in, aren't interested me and since I won't be in school for the next twenty days I won't have to worry about meeting guys there for a while. And by the time school starts I'll be in the swing of not dating. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop hanging out with my guys friends, because without them I would lose my mind. What I am going to do is not date, or make-out, or cuddle, or dot-dot-dot. I am going to be a good girl. I need to get my head on straight and be a good girl.

I want to read lots of books. I want to read books about the history of rock & roll. I want to read about the Gospel and Christ. I want to read all of the books that I have in my bookcase.

I want to change my clothes style. Right now I feel that I don't have a defined style, like my wardrobe is all over the place. I like to dress classy, like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. I also really like my roommate, Meg's, style. She has this whole contemporary euro thing going on and I love it! Skinny jeans, and long baggy shirts with fun, cute scarves. Leggings, knee high boots, jackets, and fun pastel colors. I also really like long, big necklaces, clips for my hair, high heels and flats like Chucks (a contradiction, I know). I would use the classy look for church, business meetings, and higher society parties. I would use the contemporary euro look for everything else.

I want to cut and color my hair. I'd like my bangs back and maybe some more layers. Or maybe just more layers. I wish I had more money for that.

I just want to change my look, become for comfortable in my skin. And I want to become better, something that needs to happen from the inside out, but I think that being more comfortable in my clothes and with my looks would help with that.

adeus com amor

I am in love with the past. I am in love with a man who doesn't exist anymore. For a year and a half I have been in love with ----- --------. I have loved him more than I've ever love anyone. He's smart, kind, geeky, and can be a romantic when he tries. He and I have been through a lot together: deaths, failures, changes of major, illnesses, major injuries, two break ups and two attempts at being friends. A month ago, he was still that man I loved, and I felt that somewhere inside of him, he still loved me. But then I had a freak out, a space of time wherein I lose control of my feelings for him and I let the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including me, get to me; I freak out. That was a few weeks ago. Since that time I have felt like he's been pulling away from me. The same thing happened right before our second break up. I have tried so hard to maintain a friendship with him. But it doesn't seem to be working. This week I decided not to text him first. I broke it only three times in 5 days. I heard from him a few times. I accidentally read an email he sent me this time last year, I hadn't meant to open it. It only took a few words to bring me to tears; I miss him! What happened to him?! Where did he go...

I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream that he and I got married. It was a strange dream, disjoined at first. I was rushing around, trying to get ready for the wedding, his mom was there helping me. Then it was after the wedding and I was flopping down on a bed, exhausted and fully clothed, next to him. I had boots on under my wedding dress and he was in his tux. He was laying on his stomach, me on my back. I rolled my head over and look and him and we just laughed. And I was happy. I woke up so confused.

I feel that I don't have many options open to me. I can either press forward and pray that he comes around. I can cease communication and just see what happens. Or I can completely cut him out of my life. That last one will be difficult because he lives very near by. I honestly don't think I can be "just friends" with him- I still love him too much. I sometimes wish I could have a clean break from him; no communication at all. Unfriend him on Facebook, not answer his texts or calls, have my friends distract me at church. If he wasn't in my ward or living so close it would be much easier. Just walk away, and don't look back this time. But that would be so hard to do!! I hate the way I feel right now; neglected by a person I see as my best friend. I hate that thoughts of him bring tears to my eyes. I hate that I'm sobbing as I write this!!

I want my best friend back. But something deep down inside of me says that I won't get him back. I hate to say it, but I think it's right. If I can't have my best friend back, and if he doesn't want to be here, then all I can to say to him is "good bye with love."

to be loved

I've been watching lots of movies and TV shows lately and in these shows there is a fair share of romance. As I have been watching them I have been growing increasingly jealous; I want to be loved! There is a man in my life who cares about me, but I don't know if he loves me. I don't want to pressure him. But I have girlhood dreams of love.

I want a man to think the world of me, to consider me his sun, moon, and stars.
I want a man to hold my hand, interdigiated.
I want a man to kiss me with his eyes closed.
I want a man to think of me when he needs motivation.
I want a man to bring me flowers just because.
I want a man to text me the morning to tell me he dreamed of me.
I want a man to text me as he's going bed, just to tell me "sweet dreams"
I want a man to call me "baby," and "princess," and other cute nicknames
I want a man to walk up behind me, put his arms around my waist and kiss my hair.
I want a man to pull me down onto a couch and cuddle with me.
I want a man to make me a nice dinner just because.
I want a man to rub my sore muscles after a night at the gym.
I want a man to romance me, make me feel special.
I want a man to love me for me.
I want a man to love me.

Is any of that too much to ask for? Are my expectations too high? I'm being serious... I just want to know if I'm hoping for too much.

what do you want from life?

I'm currently single and that's not a bad thing. I'm enjoying not having to worry about looking just right or saying the right things. I'm enjoying life... for the most part. For my major I am taking several classes on marriage and parenting and as I am sitting in class I have been thinking about what I want from life. I am of the opinion that life is a journey and you need to know where you want to go and how to get there if you want something, like a happy home. I want to live in a smaller town somewhere. Somewhere I can have land for a garden, an orchard, and horses. I want a nice house that I can clean and decorate to my hearts desire. I want three to five children, but I'll take whatever the Lord gives me. I want my children to be happy and healthy and to know that their parents love them. I want to be at home with my children, even when they are in school. I would love to be involved with my children's school and extracurricular activities. I also want to be involved with my church. I'd like my children to be around their cousins and I'd like to stay in contact with all of family, in-laws and all. I want to marry someone who will take care of me, the way I will take care of him. I want to be loved, and desired, and looked after. I want a man who will help me raise the kids, who will be an active part of their lives. I want so many things for my life. But the linchpin to this plan is finding a man who wants the same or similar things, and is willing to work on our marriage.

Do you know what you want from life and how to get it?

the apple tree

Every young woman who has ever been involved with the LDS Mutual Program has heard the analogy of the apple tree. We are the beautiful apples who are high up on the tree and very hard to reach easily but because of it, we don't get lots of attention from boys. We need to wait for a boy to come around who will be willing to climb the tree and pick us, rather than pick up one of the fallen apples from off the ground. I have often wondered if the young men ever get the same type of story. I bring this up because I have realized something as of late: this story goes both ways! If I want a really good guy, the kind of guy my dad wants for me and the kind of guy I want for my children, then I need to be willing to crawl and scrap and climb to the top of the tree and find him. This will require patience, courage, perseverance, and a few of those other hard to practice virtues.

Another applicable quote is this: "Every time we give in to our short-term desires, we put off reaching our long-term goals." Granted, I read this is in a chapter about dieting, but I think that it still applies. A friend of mine told me this morning that I seem to be a little bit of a "douche magnet" and that makes reaching my long-term goal (a really good guy as a husband) hard to reach. These fella's I seem to attract are cute, fun to cuddle with and seemingly nice, but very few of them have the qualities that I want in my partner, so the question is, "Why do I pick them up?" The answer, "Because they are easy to reach." Shallow, yes, but it's the truth. That's not saying that every guy I've ever dated is "easy to reach," it is saying that as of late I am not climbing high enough.

I can think of three guys off the top of my head that I would love a chance to get to know better, but they are VERY high up on the tree and will take lots of work with no guarantee of a reward. Again, shallow, I know. As I have been contemplating this, I have come to a crossroads. I can either keep my eyes on the ground, searching for the easy to reach apples and satisfaction of my short-term desires, or I can look up, put on my gloves and start climbing towards the beautiful apples and my long-term goals. Another downside to aiming so high up on the tree is that if I fall, it is a long way back to the ground and it will hurt when I land. So the next question I have for myself is, "Is it worth it?"