I have three different kinds of dermatitis and an infection. I'll be on five new meds, plus my 6 other ones. I have to take bathes now. I have to use different lotions. I have to do patch testing which will require me missing a whole weeks work of a class because I have to go to SLC three times in five days to have it read. I may be a full blown celiac. I had 40 mL of blood drawn for 10 different tests. I just.......
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm grateful that they are figuring it all out but I''m still in pain... And my arm hurts from the blood draw :'(
I just want to go to bed and wake up when spring comes.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
eczema sucks
I'm so sick of this!!! I'm sick of this red, scaly, painful, itchy, sticky, gross rash! I'm sick of not being able to wear make-up. I'm sick of not being able to wear my contacts. I'm sick of not being able to use perfume or nice smelling lotions. I'm sick of having to lather up using weird smelling lotions that sting. I'm sick not being able to wear nail polish. I'm sick of crying being painful. I'm sick of not feeling beautiful. I'm sick of people asking me what's wrong with my face. I'm sick and STINKING TIRED of ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
finally over
For those of you who have seen The Holiday, do you remember the scene when Kate Winslet tells her unrequited love, Jasper, that things are over?
"It's over! It's finally over!! This twisted, toxic, THING between us is finally over!..."
Every time I think the words, "It's over," I hear a British accent.
Tyler Glaittli is finally out of my life in all forms.
Yesterday he texted me, telling me that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that he missed me so much he couldn't sleep well and he'd lost his appetite. He told me that he realized that he hadn't treated me very well, that he wasn't compassionate towards my feelings and that he wished he'd have tried harder in our relationship. He told me that he hopes I find someone who is better then him. I responded to that text with the four words, "I think I have." He stopped texting me.
When I got home and opened my facebook account, there was his most recent post, made around the time he was telling me how much he missed me: Is there anybody going to listen to my story. It's the first line from the song Girl by The Beatles. The rest of the song goes: ...all about the girl who came to stay. She's the kinda girl you want so much it makes you sorry, still you don't regret a single day. That was a song he sang often, when referring to me. I posted as my status: My words have been said, my tears have been shed. There's nothing left to do but ramble on. That song, Ramble On, holds such deep meaning to us both, I knew he'd get it; "move on, I am."
Tonight, as I performed my ritualistic logging on to facebook, I noticed something odd: my friend numbers had dropped. I looked through my friends list wondering who was missing, and I had a good guess. Sure enough, Tyler Glaittli was gone. I searched his name and facebook told me that there was an error in the processing of my request. I looked up his sister; his name didn't show up in her friends. I looked up his mom; again, his name didn't show up. He had blocked me. After 19 months of broken hearts and tears and laughter and loving, he's gone.
I have moved on from Tyler, but then again, I'd moved on from him before only to return to his familiar arms. It's an odd feeling, not having him there on facebook... Like, realizing you don't have an old book sitting on your shelf anymore. You always thought it would be there, even though you had no intention of reading it again but now that it's gone you kinda miss it. I do miss Tyler. But the Tyler that I loved and dated, and the Tyler that I texted last night are not the same person. I miss the Tyler I loved. But I don't miss him enough to go looking for him. I will go through some mourning over this.
I do think I've found someone better than Tyler. Alex isn't grossed out by my dry, flaky, red skin. In fact, he spent about 15 minutes going over my face with tweezers pulling off the flakes. Some would say that's weird, I think that's wonderful. Alex is a nerd like me and loves to be spontaneous and goof off. He can watch a deep, thoughtful movie and discuss it with me, but he loves The Simpsons and he likes to watch Scrubs with me. Alex tells me every day that I'm beautiful and pretty and "a lightweight." Alex and I can sit on a couch next to each other for hours and never say a word, just read separate books. He also really likes when I read to him; we're reading Star Wars right now. Alex loves to cuddle up close to me and talk to me about anything and everything. I know I've only known him for two months and that things could change and he could turn out exactly like Tyler, but I seriously doubt that. Only time will tell.
"It's over! It's finally over!! This twisted, toxic, THING between us is finally over!..."
Every time I think the words, "It's over," I hear a British accent.
Tyler Glaittli is finally out of my life in all forms.
Yesterday he texted me, telling me that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me, and that he missed me so much he couldn't sleep well and he'd lost his appetite. He told me that he realized that he hadn't treated me very well, that he wasn't compassionate towards my feelings and that he wished he'd have tried harder in our relationship. He told me that he hopes I find someone who is better then him. I responded to that text with the four words, "I think I have." He stopped texting me.
When I got home and opened my facebook account, there was his most recent post, made around the time he was telling me how much he missed me: Is there anybody going to listen to my story. It's the first line from the song Girl by The Beatles. The rest of the song goes: ...all about the girl who came to stay. She's the kinda girl you want so much it makes you sorry, still you don't regret a single day. That was a song he sang often, when referring to me. I posted as my status: My words have been said, my tears have been shed. There's nothing left to do but ramble on. That song, Ramble On, holds such deep meaning to us both, I knew he'd get it; "move on, I am."
Tonight, as I performed my ritualistic logging on to facebook, I noticed something odd: my friend numbers had dropped. I looked through my friends list wondering who was missing, and I had a good guess. Sure enough, Tyler Glaittli was gone. I searched his name and facebook told me that there was an error in the processing of my request. I looked up his sister; his name didn't show up in her friends. I looked up his mom; again, his name didn't show up. He had blocked me. After 19 months of broken hearts and tears and laughter and loving, he's gone.
I have moved on from Tyler, but then again, I'd moved on from him before only to return to his familiar arms. It's an odd feeling, not having him there on facebook... Like, realizing you don't have an old book sitting on your shelf anymore. You always thought it would be there, even though you had no intention of reading it again but now that it's gone you kinda miss it. I do miss Tyler. But the Tyler that I loved and dated, and the Tyler that I texted last night are not the same person. I miss the Tyler I loved. But I don't miss him enough to go looking for him. I will go through some mourning over this.
I do think I've found someone better than Tyler. Alex isn't grossed out by my dry, flaky, red skin. In fact, he spent about 15 minutes going over my face with tweezers pulling off the flakes. Some would say that's weird, I think that's wonderful. Alex is a nerd like me and loves to be spontaneous and goof off. He can watch a deep, thoughtful movie and discuss it with me, but he loves The Simpsons and he likes to watch Scrubs with me. Alex tells me every day that I'm beautiful and pretty and "a lightweight." Alex and I can sit on a couch next to each other for hours and never say a word, just read separate books. He also really likes when I read to him; we're reading Star Wars right now. Alex loves to cuddle up close to me and talk to me about anything and everything. I know I've only known him for two months and that things could change and he could turn out exactly like Tyler, but I seriously doubt that. Only time will tell.
Friday, February 18, 2011
god made me do it
Does the presence of religion really make you a better person? Is it the idea of Divine Judgment that inspires us to do good? If you didn't have the theology that God is watching you and if you don't do "the right thing" then you will be punished, would you still do good? As I have been pondering the thoughts and feelings on the faith of those around me, I have been wondering if it is God (or the idea of God) that makes us do (or be) good. Would mankind be better off with everyone having God in their life? The idea that you must do good, and be good, or you're life will be for not and you will be punished is quite compelling. Why not do or be good just because you want your life and the lives of those around you to be better?
As I have been pondering religion and my faith I have noticed that I am a lot more short tempered with certain people (like my grandpa, my aunt, and my sister) and I'll admit, it bothers me! These are people I love (most of the time) and care about (again, most of the time) and I want to be nice and build stronger relationships with them but it's so hard! Something just rubs me the wrong way. But I believe in the Four Agreements, the second of which is "don't take anything personally." With most people that is quite easy to do, and I live in the same way (hoping people don't take what I have to say personally). But I really hate it when people believe or say things about me that just aren't true! Like, I'm a martyr, or lazy, or a lair, or a whore, or whatever else isn't true. And maybe those things they say about me are true to them, but they aren't to me and I don't like the idea of other people who don't know me getting an idea of who I am based on fallacy. But in spite of people saying untrue things about me, I should still be nice to them, right? Especially if they are my family. I shouldn't feel such feeling of animosity but I do, and I wonder if it's because I'm not living my religion the way I should. Is it the absence of the Holy Spirit's constant companionship that is making me short tempered? Shouldn't I be a kind person either way?
I think that people should be nice, kind, compassionate, charitable, etc., because they want to be, not because they think that they will somehow be rewarded or saved for their efforts. That sort of "being good" is only self-serving and not from the heart. Do it because you want to, not because you think God is making you by holding your salvation over your head.
As I have been pondering religion and my faith I have noticed that I am a lot more short tempered with certain people (like my grandpa, my aunt, and my sister) and I'll admit, it bothers me! These are people I love (most of the time) and care about (again, most of the time) and I want to be nice and build stronger relationships with them but it's so hard! Something just rubs me the wrong way. But I believe in the Four Agreements, the second of which is "don't take anything personally." With most people that is quite easy to do, and I live in the same way (hoping people don't take what I have to say personally). But I really hate it when people believe or say things about me that just aren't true! Like, I'm a martyr, or lazy, or a lair, or a whore, or whatever else isn't true. And maybe those things they say about me are true to them, but they aren't to me and I don't like the idea of other people who don't know me getting an idea of who I am based on fallacy. But in spite of people saying untrue things about me, I should still be nice to them, right? Especially if they are my family. I shouldn't feel such feeling of animosity but I do, and I wonder if it's because I'm not living my religion the way I should. Is it the absence of the Holy Spirit's constant companionship that is making me short tempered? Shouldn't I be a kind person either way?
I think that people should be nice, kind, compassionate, charitable, etc., because they want to be, not because they think that they will somehow be rewarded or saved for their efforts. That sort of "being good" is only self-serving and not from the heart. Do it because you want to, not because you think God is making you by holding your salvation over your head.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
health week
It is health week on campus. Yesterday there were pieces of paper taped to the mirrors in the bathrooms that said, "Time-out Tuesday: take some time to relax. Do yoga, go for a walk, or take a nap!" And today the pieces of paper were different, "No-number Wednesday: don't think about how much you weight or how many calories you are burning on the exercise machine; your value can't be measured in numbers!" I know that these two things, stress and weight management, weigh on my mind a lot.
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
time management
I have a hard time with time management. I have a long list of things to do but seem to do only half of them. Maybe it's because I get sucked into watching movies with my roomies or sucked into facebook. The joke, "I opened my browser and facebook was up... I didn't realize time had passed until the sun went down (or rose)," totally fits my life. And hanging out with Alex takes time too, thought we do work on homework together so that helps. Making money also takes time, and spending it does too. And eating!! Why do I have to waste time cooking and then eating? Why can't I just photosynthesize? That would make my life a little easier... but I'd have to move to warmer state to make it advantageous. And don't get me started on sleeping! Did you know that if you sleep less than 8 hours a night you gain 3-4 lbs in a week? But when was the last time I had 8 hours of good sleep? I don't even know..... Homework takes time... Religion takes time... Classes take time... Laundry takes time... So many things to do, but how do I do it all?! That is the question I pose to you dear reader: How do you manage your time? What are some tricks, tips, and suggestions you can give to me, a starving college student ;) , about how to manage my time more efficiently.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
once upon a time
**DISCLAIMER: if you like to see me as a good little Mormon girl, if you like to think I'm perfect (or close to it), or if you don't want to know my dirty secrets then I'd suggest not reading this**
Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?
Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?
I know many people who play the, "If I wasn't Mormon" Game. It's basically a list of things we would do, or be doing, if we weren't Mormon. Pretty self explanatory right? I would be a coffee drinker, I wouldn't be a virgin, and I would have a tattoo. I'd probably live with a group of my closest friends, regardless of gender, and I wouldn't go to church very often; it'd be more likely that you'd find me hiking, boating, snowmobiling, or doing something else outdoors. I already watch R-rated movies so that's covered. After years of playing the "If I wasn't Mormon" game, I never thought I'd actually do some of the things on my list.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)