homosexuality

This video makes me cry. Even though I have only ever known one gay gentleman in my life, and don't have any contact with him anymore, I am a HUGE advocate for gay-rights.

Imagine a world wherein it is just assumed that you will have a crush on, date, fall in love with, and marry someone of your same gender. That's the way your entire family is, that's the way all of your friends are, and that's the way everyone you know is, has been, and will be forever. But you don't like girls (assume you are a girl), you like guys. You have liked guys for as long as you can remember. You remember your first crush on a guy and how you were so sad to see him flirting with another guy. In all your classes you are taught about homosexual relationships and how that is the normal and right way to do things, but you just flat out don't like girls. Now that you are in college, and all of your friends are falling in love with the girl or guy of their dreams and planning their wedding and their lives, you still haven't found a guy that likes girls, and you fear that you will never find one. Even if you do, he would have to come out as a hetero to his friends, co-workers, and family. Then you two wouldn't even be allowed to marry in most states, and your relationship would be deemed "deviant". Your life with this man, should you ever find him, would be a tough one dogged by laughs, jeers, hazing, and harassment. And not just for you and your man, but also for your children if you ever have them. They would be the kids of hetero's and hetero's are weird, gross, and unnatural.

That is the world that most LBGTQ people live in and it sucks.

I don't understand how people can look at others and say, "Your type of love is wrong, and evil. My type of love is the only kind that is real and right." It makes me mad to see these lovely people pushed to suicide, or relationships with people they don't truly love. My heartbreaks for anyone who feels that they are second rate.

We tell children to not judge others by their cover, and to like people for who they are on the inside, despite their outside. Well, isn't saying, "You can't love or marry that person because their genitals are exactly like yours," doing the EXACT opposite of that statement.

I support gay rights and believe that they are some of the strongest and bravest people out there to stand up for themselves.

{ps- don't post anything derogatory or i'll block you from commenting, thanks}

eczema sucks

I'm so sick of this!!! I'm sick of this red, scaly, painful, itchy, sticky, gross rash! I'm sick of not being able to wear make-up. I'm sick of not being able to wear my contacts. I'm sick of not being able to use perfume or nice smelling lotions. I'm sick of having to lather up using weird smelling lotions that sting. I'm sick not being able to wear nail polish. I'm sick of crying being painful. I'm sick of not feeling beautiful. I'm sick of people asking me what's wrong with my face. I'm sick and STINKING TIRED of ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"

My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.

I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.

:'(

god made me do it

Does the presence of religion really make you a better person? Is it the idea of Divine Judgment that inspires us to do good? If you didn't have the theology that God is watching you and if you don't do "the right thing" then you will be punished, would you still do good? As I have been pondering the thoughts and feelings on the faith of those around me, I have been wondering if it is God (or the idea of God) that makes us do (or be) good. Would mankind be better off with everyone having God in their life? The idea that you must do good, and be good, or you're life will be for not and you will be punished is quite compelling. Why not do or be good just because you want your life and the lives of those around you to be better?

As I have been pondering religion and my faith I have noticed that I am a lot more short tempered with certain people (like my grandpa, my aunt, and my sister) and I'll admit, it bothers me! These are people I love (most of the time) and care about (again, most of the time) and I want to be nice and build stronger relationships with them but it's so hard! Something just rubs me the wrong way. But I believe in the Four Agreements, the second of which is "don't take anything personally." With most people that is quite easy to do, and I live in the same way (hoping people don't take what I have to say personally). But I really hate it when people believe or say things about me that just aren't true! Like, I'm a martyr, or lazy, or a lair, or a whore, or whatever else isn't true. And maybe those things they say about me are true to them, but they aren't to me and I don't like the idea of other people who don't know me getting an idea of who I am based on fallacy. But in spite of people saying untrue things about me, I should still be nice to them, right? Especially if they are my family. I shouldn't feel such feeling of animosity but I do, and I wonder if it's because I'm not living my religion the way I should. Is it the absence of the Holy Spirit's constant companionship that is making me short tempered? Shouldn't I be a kind person either way?

I think that people should be nice, kind, compassionate, charitable, etc., because they want to be, not because they think that they will somehow be rewarded or saved for their efforts. That sort of "being good" is only self-serving and not from the heart. Do it because you want to, not because you think God is making you by holding your salvation over your head.

time management

I have a hard time with time management. I have a long list of things to do but seem to do only half of them. Maybe it's because I get sucked into watching movies with my roomies or sucked into facebook. The joke, "I opened my browser and facebook was up... I didn't realize time had passed until the sun went down (or rose)," totally fits my life. And hanging out with Alex takes time too, thought we do work on homework together so that helps. Making money also takes time, and spending it does too. And eating!! Why do I have to waste time cooking and then eating? Why can't I just photosynthesize? That would make my life a little easier... but I'd have to move to warmer state to make it advantageous. And don't get me started on sleeping! Did you know that if you sleep less than 8 hours a night you gain 3-4 lbs in a week? But when was the last time I had 8 hours of good sleep? I don't even know..... Homework takes time... Religion takes time... Classes take time... Laundry takes time... So many things to do, but how do I do it all?! That is the question I pose to you dear reader: How do you manage your time? What are some tricks, tips, and suggestions you can give to me, a starving college student ;) , about how to manage my time more efficiently.

once upon a time

**DISCLAIMER: if you like to see me as a good little Mormon girl, if you like to think I'm perfect (or close to it), or if you don't want to know my dirty secrets then I'd suggest not reading this**

Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?

I know many people who play the, "If I wasn't Mormon" Game. It's basically a list of things we would do, or be doing, if we weren't Mormon. Pretty self explanatory right? I would be a coffee drinker, I wouldn't be a virgin, and I would have a tattoo. I'd probably live with a group of my closest friends, regardless of gender, and I wouldn't go to church very often; it'd be more likely that you'd find me hiking, boating, snowmobiling, or doing something else outdoors. I already watch R-rated movies so that's covered. After years of playing the "If I wasn't Mormon" game, I never thought I'd actually do some of the things on my list.

As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.

But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.

I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.

WARNING: angry rants and ravings

I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.

I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!

I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.

I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(

This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.

new year's revolutions

1- no sweets except on Sunday (the sugar messes with my head)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)

a change of pace

For the last two years I've been in and out of relationships, and I haven't had any time to figure myself out. I did learn a lot about myself from those relationships but I need to integrate that information into my self-concept. I know that makes me sound like a computer but I really feel like I need to take what I've learned from these relationships, and redefine myself. I am going to take a hiatus from men. I know I've said that before but I'm serious this time. And it actually won't be that hard. All of the guys in my ward I am interested in, aren't interested me and since I won't be in school for the next twenty days I won't have to worry about meeting guys there for a while. And by the time school starts I'll be in the swing of not dating. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop hanging out with my guys friends, because without them I would lose my mind. What I am going to do is not date, or make-out, or cuddle, or dot-dot-dot. I am going to be a good girl. I need to get my head on straight and be a good girl.

I want to read lots of books. I want to read books about the history of rock & roll. I want to read about the Gospel and Christ. I want to read all of the books that I have in my bookcase.

I want to change my clothes style. Right now I feel that I don't have a defined style, like my wardrobe is all over the place. I like to dress classy, like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. I also really like my roommate, Meg's, style. She has this whole contemporary euro thing going on and I love it! Skinny jeans, and long baggy shirts with fun, cute scarves. Leggings, knee high boots, jackets, and fun pastel colors. I also really like long, big necklaces, clips for my hair, high heels and flats like Chucks (a contradiction, I know). I would use the classy look for church, business meetings, and higher society parties. I would use the contemporary euro look for everything else.

I want to cut and color my hair. I'd like my bangs back and maybe some more layers. Or maybe just more layers. I wish I had more money for that.

I just want to change my look, become for comfortable in my skin. And I want to become better, something that needs to happen from the inside out, but I think that being more comfortable in my clothes and with my looks would help with that.

And so it begins

I love my life, that is fact. Even though I am young by most peoples standards, I have seen and experienced my fair share and I have many thoughts on these things. Most of what I write will have a rambling feel to it and may seem incoherent. I like to pretend that someone will read this and find it slightly hilarious.

I am a student at Utah State and I hope to one day complete a degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. I love to go country swing dancing and horseback riding. I also love to read and to learn. I like science fiction and action movies. I eat more fruits and vegetables in one week than most people eat in one month and I don't like the smell of meat. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I value and believe in my religion.