Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
wrong thinking
How do you convince yourself to believe something?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
why me?
For the last few days I have been asking myself, "Why me?! Why do I have puffy, red, itchy skin on my fave that won't go away?" Sometimes I wonder if it's because I bottle all my emotions up until I have heartburn, or maybe it's because I'm not a good enough Mormon, or possibly because I just down right unhealthy...
But then again....
Why do I have great friend who come to aid when I fall down?
Why do I have a wonderful apartment?
Why do I have my parents lovely home to return to any time I want?
Why does my hometown have two Wal-Marts? (a supposed sign of prosperity)
Why do I have a car to drive?
Why can I afford to go to college?
Why do I have two parents who love me?
Why am I still alive?
Why was I born where I was?
Why am I so blessed?
But then again....
Why do I have great friend who come to aid when I fall down?
Why do I have a wonderful apartment?
Why do I have my parents lovely home to return to any time I want?
Why does my hometown have two Wal-Marts? (a supposed sign of prosperity)
Why do I have a car to drive?
Why can I afford to go to college?
Why do I have two parents who love me?
Why am I still alive?
Why was I born where I was?
Why am I so blessed?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
sad weekend
Last Tue
sday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(
Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.
Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.
I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?
sday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.
Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.
I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?
Monday, April 4, 2011
healthy?
I'm am unhealthy.
I am severely sensitive to shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving cream, lotion, perfume, anything with fragrance, makeup, hair spray & gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, dish soap, regular hand soap, and toothpaste. Wheat makes me eczema worse, and milk makes me constipated. I've been on antibiotics for a month and a half and will be one them for another two weeks. Since I've been on antibiotics for so long I have a yeast infection and it won't go away. I just got a phone call today that told me that I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that is in my kidneys. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new diet and new way of living. Since I can't ware makeup like I used to, I feel so... unattractive. I cry a lot because I feel like I'm not healthy or good looking enough for my boyfriend, even though he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he does his best to adapt to my diet. My lips and eyes are still scaly, thought not as bad. And I have small, red, itchy circles on my cheeks, chin, and hairline.
I just want to be healthy and normal and happy. People keep telling me I'm so strong and amazing for doing this. Well let me tell you, I'm not. I can't do this. I used to think nothing of it, until people starting saying how great I was... Now I realize I'm not normal or healthy and I hate it. Why can't I eat the pizza that my mom buys for me? Why can't I wear perfume? Why can't I smell nice? Why can't I wear makeup?
I just want to be healthy, happy, normal, and pretty. I keep trying to see the bright side, but it's getting harder. I'm stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy.
I still have pretty blue/green eyes.
I still have golden brown hair.
I am still strong.
I still have a boyfriend who loves me.
I can still eat apples and oranges.
I still have a family who cares about me.
I still have roommates who love me.
I am going to be working an amazing job this summer, in another state, and I'm gonna make enough money.
I am still in school and I'm loving what I'm studying.
Everything will be okay.
I am severely sensitive to shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving cream, lotion, perfume, anything with fragrance, makeup, hair spray & gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, dish soap, regular hand soap, and toothpaste. Wheat makes me eczema worse, and milk makes me constipated. I've been on antibiotics for a month and a half and will be one them for another two weeks. Since I've been on antibiotics for so long I have a yeast infection and it won't go away. I just got a phone call today that told me that I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that is in my kidneys. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new diet and new way of living. Since I can't ware makeup like I used to, I feel so... unattractive. I cry a lot because I feel like I'm not healthy or good looking enough for my boyfriend, even though he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he does his best to adapt to my diet. My lips and eyes are still scaly, thought not as bad. And I have small, red, itchy circles on my cheeks, chin, and hairline.
I just want to be healthy and normal and happy. People keep telling me I'm so strong and amazing for doing this. Well let me tell you, I'm not. I can't do this. I used to think nothing of it, until people starting saying how great I was... Now I realize I'm not normal or healthy and I hate it. Why can't I eat the pizza that my mom buys for me? Why can't I wear perfume? Why can't I smell nice? Why can't I wear makeup?
I just want to be healthy, happy, normal, and pretty. I keep trying to see the bright side, but it's getting harder. I'm stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy.
I still have pretty blue/green eyes.
I still have golden brown hair.
I am still strong.
I still have a boyfriend who loves me.
I can still eat apples and oranges.
I still have a family who cares about me.
I still have roommates who love me.
I am going to be working an amazing job this summer, in another state, and I'm gonna make enough money.
I am still in school and I'm loving what I'm studying.
Everything will be okay.
Monday, February 28, 2011
the doctor
I have three different kinds of dermatitis and an infection. I'll be on five new meds, plus my 6 other ones. I have to take bathes now. I have to use different lotions. I have to do patch testing which will require me missing a whole weeks work of a class because I have to go to SLC three times in five days to have it read. I may be a full blown celiac. I had 40 mL of blood drawn for 10 different tests. I just.......
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm grateful that they are figuring it all out but I''m still in pain... And my arm hurts from the blood draw :'(
I just want to go to bed and wake up when spring comes.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm grateful that they are figuring it all out but I''m still in pain... And my arm hurts from the blood draw :'(
I just want to go to bed and wake up when spring comes.
Friday, February 25, 2011
eczema sucks
I'm so sick of this!!! I'm sick of this red, scaly, painful, itchy, sticky, gross rash! I'm sick of not being able to wear make-up. I'm sick of not being able to wear my contacts. I'm sick of not being able to use perfume or nice smelling lotions. I'm sick of having to lather up using weird smelling lotions that sting. I'm sick not being able to wear nail polish. I'm sick of crying being painful. I'm sick of not feeling beautiful. I'm sick of people asking me what's wrong with my face. I'm sick and STINKING TIRED of ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Some people ask what's wrong in nice ways; "Are you okay? It looks like you've been crying." Some people who know what wrong say, "You're rash looks so painful," in a kindly tone. But I have had some people say,"It's looks really bad today, what'd you do?"
My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man and who cares about me, told me yesterday that he'd been looking at some of my old pictures on facebook. He said, "I couldn't believe that it was you in those pictures. I'd never seen you without eczema and you looked so good with make-up." He didn't mean it to be cruel and he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I still cried myself to sleep. I don't look like the girl in those pictures, all smooth skinned and with a creamy complexion. I still think my boyfriend is great and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
I'll be going to see an eczema specialist at the U next Monday and I am to the point that I am willing to do ANYTHING to be pretty again. I will try any diet, take any med, use any cream, move if I have to! I just want to stop itching and be pretty again.
:'(
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
health week
It is health week on campus. Yesterday there were pieces of paper taped to the mirrors in the bathrooms that said, "Time-out Tuesday: take some time to relax. Do yoga, go for a walk, or take a nap!" And today the pieces of paper were different, "No-number Wednesday: don't think about how much you weight or how many calories you are burning on the exercise machine; your value can't be measured in numbers!" I know that these two things, stress and weight management, weigh on my mind a lot.
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
Did you know that when you are a developing fetus the same type of tissue that makes your nervous system, makes your skin? Weird, right? This is why when you are embarrassed, you blush or your skin gets hot. This is also why when you get stressed, you get more acne, or in my case, you get a rash. My rash is called eczema. It is red, scaly, hot, sticky, and dry. Lotions sting and burn, but without them my skin comes off in sheets of dry nastiness. For years I have been battling with it. Mostly as an elementary school kid and now in college. For some reason, in high school it didn't bother me; I thought I'd grown out of it; but over the last year or two it's gotten worse. When I was a kid the eczema was confined to my elbows and knees; I could cover it up with clothes. How it's all over my face. My forehead, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, my shoulders, my arms, and my legs. And it's not getting any better. I was content to live with it when it was somewhere I could cover it up but now that it's in a place people can see, I hate it! Today I've had four people ask me what was wrong with my skin. If it weren't for my great roommates, loving family, and wonderful boyfriend, who all tell me how good looking I am despite the eczema, I'd have much worse self-esteem than I do.
I have been seen three dermatologists and one naturologist trying to figure out something, ANYTHING, to get rid of this eczema... or at least decrease the dryness, redness, and pain. But nothing as come of it. The dermatologists have prescribed everything from triamcinolone to something that has the potential to cause cancer. The naturologist told me I was that food allergies were causing my issues. He said I was allergic to wheat, milk, yogurt, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, and a few other things that escape me right now. I've been told to change my bedsheets every week, to not shower in hot water or swim in chlorinated pools, not to use anything with perfume in it, and to not use perfumed detergents on my clothes. I can only use lotions, deodorants, body washes, and make-ups that are hypoallergenic and they are quite pricey. And I hate all of it. As I was complaining about the pain and embarrassment associated with this red, scaly rash, my roommate said something that I had never considered before; "When you are resurrected you'll have perfect skin and you won't have to deal with eczema." That is a princeple of my religion that I have heard many times but I had always associated it with severally handicapped people, not my gross rash.
My eczema ties into health week in this way: I think my stress is manifesting itself as eczema. My doctor asked at my last visit, "Do you feel you are under excessive amounts of stress?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I am a college student for goodness sake! Of course I'm under stress, but so is everyone else. And isn't some stress supposed to be healthy? I said that I felt I was under the normal amount of stress for a college student. Beth laughed, "That is too much." She said that even if I feel I have everything under control and my brain thinks it's okay, my skin could be screaming, "I AM NOT OKAY!!" So, how do you decrease your stress? How do you unwind?
Now for the weight part. Have you ever looked at a horse? Big animal right? Did you know that the weight variance for various breeds of horses is an much 1,500 lbs? There are light horses who weight 800 lbs and big draft horses who weight 2,500 lbs. It would be sad and disgusting to see a light horse who weighted 1,300 lbs and a draft horse who weighted 1,400 lbs; the light one would be obese, and the draft would be skin and bones. I think the same is true of people. We aren't all meant to weight 110 lbs. Some of use are made to have 180 lbs be our healthy weight while others are meant to 100 lbs. It doesn't make one of us too fat or one of us too skinny; it just means that that is what is healthy for us.
I have always wanted to weight 125 lbs. Looking at me, a lot of people think I do weight that. But I don't. I weigh about 20 lbs more than that. My boyfriend didn't believe me when I told him what I really weighted. "You weigh only 30 lbs less than I do!?!" He swung me up into his arms and exclaimed, "You don't feel 140!" I couldn't stop the response from rolling off my tongue, "Oh yeah?! Then what do I feel like a weight?" He was too smart to be caught in that trap, "Like a feather." I laughed, but it felt good for him to say that. Another, similar incident happened when I went to the doctors last week. I hopped on the scale and almost cried as it flashed 140lbs. The technician saw the look on my face and said, "You have nothing to worry about."
As I've thought about those two things, as well as what that piece of paper said, I've come to realize something; It's not about the number on the scale but how you feel about how you look. If you like how you look and feel, then be happy with it and try to stop worrying about that pesky number. If you don't like how you look and feel then go to the gym and eat right and tell yourself that you are doing all you can to be healthy and don't worry about that pesky number. Either way, don't worry about the number. Please?
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