a change of pace

For the last two years I've been in and out of relationships, and I haven't had any time to figure myself out. I did learn a lot about myself from those relationships but I need to integrate that information into my self-concept. I know that makes me sound like a computer but I really feel like I need to take what I've learned from these relationships, and redefine myself. I am going to take a hiatus from men. I know I've said that before but I'm serious this time. And it actually won't be that hard. All of the guys in my ward I am interested in, aren't interested me and since I won't be in school for the next twenty days I won't have to worry about meeting guys there for a while. And by the time school starts I'll be in the swing of not dating. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop hanging out with my guys friends, because without them I would lose my mind. What I am going to do is not date, or make-out, or cuddle, or dot-dot-dot. I am going to be a good girl. I need to get my head on straight and be a good girl.

I want to read lots of books. I want to read books about the history of rock & roll. I want to read about the Gospel and Christ. I want to read all of the books that I have in my bookcase.

I want to change my clothes style. Right now I feel that I don't have a defined style, like my wardrobe is all over the place. I like to dress classy, like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. I also really like my roommate, Meg's, style. She has this whole contemporary euro thing going on and I love it! Skinny jeans, and long baggy shirts with fun, cute scarves. Leggings, knee high boots, jackets, and fun pastel colors. I also really like long, big necklaces, clips for my hair, high heels and flats like Chucks (a contradiction, I know). I would use the classy look for church, business meetings, and higher society parties. I would use the contemporary euro look for everything else.

I want to cut and color my hair. I'd like my bangs back and maybe some more layers. Or maybe just more layers. I wish I had more money for that.

I just want to change my look, become for comfortable in my skin. And I want to become better, something that needs to happen from the inside out, but I think that being more comfortable in my clothes and with my looks would help with that.

adeus com amor

I am in love with the past. I am in love with a man who doesn't exist anymore. For a year and a half I have been in love with ----- --------. I have loved him more than I've ever love anyone. He's smart, kind, geeky, and can be a romantic when he tries. He and I have been through a lot together: deaths, failures, changes of major, illnesses, major injuries, two break ups and two attempts at being friends. A month ago, he was still that man I loved, and I felt that somewhere inside of him, he still loved me. But then I had a freak out, a space of time wherein I lose control of my feelings for him and I let the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including me, get to me; I freak out. That was a few weeks ago. Since that time I have felt like he's been pulling away from me. The same thing happened right before our second break up. I have tried so hard to maintain a friendship with him. But it doesn't seem to be working. This week I decided not to text him first. I broke it only three times in 5 days. I heard from him a few times. I accidentally read an email he sent me this time last year, I hadn't meant to open it. It only took a few words to bring me to tears; I miss him! What happened to him?! Where did he go...

I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream that he and I got married. It was a strange dream, disjoined at first. I was rushing around, trying to get ready for the wedding, his mom was there helping me. Then it was after the wedding and I was flopping down on a bed, exhausted and fully clothed, next to him. I had boots on under my wedding dress and he was in his tux. He was laying on his stomach, me on my back. I rolled my head over and look and him and we just laughed. And I was happy. I woke up so confused.

I feel that I don't have many options open to me. I can either press forward and pray that he comes around. I can cease communication and just see what happens. Or I can completely cut him out of my life. That last one will be difficult because he lives very near by. I honestly don't think I can be "just friends" with him- I still love him too much. I sometimes wish I could have a clean break from him; no communication at all. Unfriend him on Facebook, not answer his texts or calls, have my friends distract me at church. If he wasn't in my ward or living so close it would be much easier. Just walk away, and don't look back this time. But that would be so hard to do!! I hate the way I feel right now; neglected by a person I see as my best friend. I hate that thoughts of him bring tears to my eyes. I hate that I'm sobbing as I write this!!

I want my best friend back. But something deep down inside of me says that I won't get him back. I hate to say it, but I think it's right. If I can't have my best friend back, and if he doesn't want to be here, then all I can to say to him is "good bye with love."

obessive & compulsive?

A good friend of mine thinks I am OCD about marriage and relationships. Who knows, maybe I am. I am black and white about relationships, either it is, or it isn't. I'm terrified of getting married then having my heartbroken. I read a lot about it, and I talk about it a lot. I'm so scared of it. But I want to be married. I want a best friend who won't leave me, who will love me, who will put me first the way I will put him first. My friend told me to get a dog. I just want to be loved. I get upset when I find out that people younger than me are getting married. Especially if they've know their fiance for less than 6 months.

I hate being in love with a man who can't/won't love me back.

to be loved

I've been watching lots of movies and TV shows lately and in these shows there is a fair share of romance. As I have been watching them I have been growing increasingly jealous; I want to be loved! There is a man in my life who cares about me, but I don't know if he loves me. I don't want to pressure him. But I have girlhood dreams of love.

I want a man to think the world of me, to consider me his sun, moon, and stars.
I want a man to hold my hand, interdigiated.
I want a man to kiss me with his eyes closed.
I want a man to think of me when he needs motivation.
I want a man to bring me flowers just because.
I want a man to text me the morning to tell me he dreamed of me.
I want a man to text me as he's going bed, just to tell me "sweet dreams"
I want a man to call me "baby," and "princess," and other cute nicknames
I want a man to walk up behind me, put his arms around my waist and kiss my hair.
I want a man to pull me down onto a couch and cuddle with me.
I want a man to make me a nice dinner just because.
I want a man to rub my sore muscles after a night at the gym.
I want a man to romance me, make me feel special.
I want a man to love me for me.
I want a man to love me.

Is any of that too much to ask for? Are my expectations too high? I'm being serious... I just want to know if I'm hoping for too much.

voices

I won the Voices competition in my Engl 2010 class this semester. For this competition, you write a paper, personal narrative or research, and then the best paper from each class is chosen. If you are the best paper then you get to read it at the Voice's and maybe be published in a book. I'm pretty excited!!

This is my paper.

The Case for Horse Slaughter

With a dull coat and protruding bones, the horse stares blankly into a wooden fence post. At first one wonders if there is even a being capable of acknowledging the world behind those shrunken eyes. Standing on emaciated, wobbly legs, the horse barely looks as though he can remain upright through the next breeze. His pen is barren of grass, hay, and water, and he has only the shelter of a leafless tree to protect him from the rain and snow. This gruesome scene is becoming all too common in cities across the nation. Four years ago, this horse’s owners could have sold him to a slaughter plant and been paid to end his suffering. But with no operating slaughter plants open in the United States, the query is: Is this really a better way to die?

For the last three years there have been no horses slaughtered in the United States for the purpose of human consumption. Many people view this as a good thing but numerous others feel that it is not. In the time since the last processing plants were closed in 2007, the number of horse abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases has increased, the number of horses exported to foreign countries for the purpose of slaughter has increased, and the average value of a horse has decreased. These things have caused a great deal of turmoil in the horse industry which is why I believe that the slaughtering plants need to be reopened.

The three processing plants that closed in 2007 were owned by Belgian business men and closed due to the states’ laws. Two of the plants were in Texas - Dallas Crown in Kaufman and Beltex Corporation in Fort Worth - and the third, Cavel International, was in DeKalb, Illinois. The plants in Texas closed due a long forgotten state statute, originally passed in 1949, that says it is illegal to slaughter a horse for the purpose of selling its meat (Harkinson 34). The plant in Illinois closed when the state passed a law against horse slaughter.

There is no federal law prohibiting the slaughter of horses for human consumption, so the question is: why are there no plants operating in the United States? In November 2005, legislation passed that terminated the United States Department of Agriculture’s (USDA) funding for horse slaughter plant inspections (Frabotta 9E). Without the inspections, the horse meat that is produced in the plants cannot legally be sold or exported.

Despite the fact that there is no federal law against horse slaughter, there are states that ban the practice, such as Texas, California, and Illinois. Eleven states have passed, or are attempting to pass, legislation that would make it illegal to ban horse slaughter. Those states include Arizona, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North and South Dakota, and Tennessee (Lewis 69).

The horsemeat produced in the United States was primarily exported to Europe or Asia, where horse meat is considered a delicacy. There are numerous foreign markets where horsemeat produced in the United States can be sold. The meat from heavy draft horses is popular in Japan, while Italy prefers young, light horses. Russia, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland and France also use horsemeat in their day to day meals. Eastern European countries like Poland and Romania are suppliers of horsemeat to some parts of Europe, but the quality can never be assured. For this reason, several countries look within their own nations, as well as to the U.S., Canada, and Mexico for satisfactory suppliers. However, a percent of the meat was used in the U. S. for feeding zoo animals such as birds of prey and large cats. Horse meat was used for these animals because it is higher in protein per pound than beef. The meat was not the only part of the horse that was used; the mane and tail were made into paintbrushes and violin bows, the intestines were used as sausage casings in Egypt, and the hooves were sent to a rendering plant (Osborne).

There is evidence that horsemeat is healthier for human consumption than beef. When compared to ground beef, horsemeat has 55% more protein, 25% less fat, and 30% less cholesterol. Some people could never imagine themselves eating horse but Americans have a habit of using it as an alternative to beef and pork in times of scarcity. During World War II and the proceeding years, horse became a popular meat due to its availability. There have been times when beef and pork prices have gone up too far and horse was used as a cheap substitute. The main reason people reverted back to beef and pork was because horse prices increased beyond the amount they are willing to pay (Evans, P 2).

Since the 1970’s, horses have been seen less as a work animal and more as pet. Because of this shift in the public’s view, animal rights groups have been able to paint a picture of horse slaughter as murder. I will admit that there have been horses unnecessarily slaughtered, but this is not as common as it seems.

The process of slaughter starts when a “kill buyer,” someone who purchases horses for slaughter plants, goes to an auction. It is true that the goal of the buyer is to buy as many good muscled horses for as little money as possible, but most buyers have respect for horses and want to see the best done for them. Once the horse is purchased, it is trailered to the plant the buyer works for; this trip can last as long as five days depending on location. Once the horses arrive at the plant they are inspected by the veterinarian and any horses deemed too sick or injured are taken to another part of the plant and euthanized; they are unsuitable for processing. If it appears that the horse was injured in transport, the driver and buyer are both punished in some form; docked pay or potential termination (Olsson 242).

After the horses have been found sound, they are herded off the trailer and into chutes. Once the horse has reached a certain point in the line, its hind legs are chained and it is stunned by a technician who fires a captive bolt, a spike on a hydraulic gun, into its forehead. The horse, brain dead, is then hung from the ceiling by the aforementioned chains and its jugular vein and carotid artery are severed which allows the blood to drain from the body. The carcass is then skinned, the head, hooves and tail removed, and it is butchered and prepared for packaging and shipment (Olsson 244).

Those opposing horse slaughter have varying views on the process by which the meat is harvested. The staunchest of them believe that slaughter is unethical and should be banned on a federal level, while the more lenient would like to see the methods changed but not the process banned. Some of those methods include the use of flags to herd the horse off the trucks rather than whips, a head-holding device so that chances of missing with the captive bolt are decreased, and using a turn in the chutes to prevent the horses from seeing what is happening (Osborne). All of these are excellent suggestions, and I would like to see them implemented in any plant that opens in the U. S.

Another concern that some have over horse slaughter is the lack of illness and medication regulation. The European Union, in April 2009, issued updated guidelines and regulations for any imported horsemeat. In response to these new guidelines and regulations, Canada had to implement new methods of processing. These new methods include making sure that no horse has any one of the 55 drugs listed on a prohibited medication list, and having illness and vaccination records for each animal that date back six months. The U. S. had no such guidelines when the plants were open. Each plant had at least one veterinarian present to check the horses for signs of illness or unsuitability, but there were no formal was of tracking medications or vaccinations; all other food animal production industries have ways to do that. If the U. S. opens a plant, rules and regulations similar to Canada’s need to be established (“Canada”).

I firmly believe that if slaughter could be made more humane by altering a few of the handling details, than the USDA should be given funding for processing plant inspections. My proposal is that if a plant could be opened in every state, or at least every other, than that would create both jobs and shorter distances the horses would have to travel for slaughter, which would minimize hauling related injuries. I also propose that another advantage to opening a slaughter plant would be that the unwanted horse population would decrease and the desire to purchase a horse would rise again. If the desire for horses goes up, then the value does too, which means the breeders and trainers will begin their work in full once more. If the horse industry can start working the way it wants to, than the need for grain and hay would go up and under the law of supply and demand, the price would go up too. If the price of grain and hay went up, than farmers wouldn’t need government subsidies to make ends meet every year.

I believe that the horse industry needs slaughter because, without it, the number of abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases have increased, the number of horses slaughtered in foreign countries has risen and the value of the horse has fallen.

The first unintended consequence of a lack of slaughter plants in the United States is an increase in the number of abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases. This sad trend is due in part to the lack of funds owners have to take care of their horses. When people want to sell their horses, they find that they cannot, due to little interest of others in purchasing a horse. People typically want to sell a horse for one of three reasons: not being able to afford cost of care, not interested in caring for the animal anymore, or moving away.

It costs approximately $2,340 per year, depending on one’s location, to care for a horse. Most horses, when cared for properly, live into their mid-twenties. Assuming that a horse lives to be 25, and working with $2,340 as an annual figure, the expense incurred for just one horse over a lifetime would be $58,500. The factors that would affect this figure are hay and grain prices, boarding fees, cost of tack for the horse, gas to transport the horse, registration fees for breed associations and/or shows, injuries to the horse that require expensive medical attention, and many more (North 127). Taking into consideration that 45% of horse owners make between $25,000 and $75,000 annually, it is no wonder that some have a difficult time paying the price to own a horse (“Frequently”).

There are several things that typically happen when an owner cannot sell the horse when they need to. The owner can try to donate the horse to a rescue or retirement home; however, these organizations are already understaffed, underfunded, and overstocked with horses. The owner could also euthanize the horse but this cost’s between $200 - $400 (Evans, P 3). That price covers chemical euthanasia with an environmentally toxic drug, Pentobarbital, and body care, which could be cremation or burial. There is a concern over body care for horses euthanized in this manner. If the body is not properly taken care of, the Pentobarbital may be ingested by a predatory animal and could cause environmental contamination (“Frequently”).

When things get tough, owners resort to drastic measures to dispose of their animals. Some horses will stand in a pasture or backyard, with little food and water and no shelter, until they die, are sold, or are taken by law enforcement agencies. If a horse in that condition is sold, it will be sold for a low price and is often times so ill that it must be euthanized. Horses in this condition are never accepted for slaughter and processing by foreign plants because their body doesn’t meet quality standards.

Other owners will just move away and leave their horses unattended; this constitutes abandonment. Additional types of abandonment include owners trailering their animals to areas far from developments and turning them loose or leaving their horses on a rancher’s property, thinking that the rancher won’t notice. In the cases where horses are turned loose on their own, far from humans and other horses, their chances of survival are very low. This is due to the fact that the horses don’t know how to take care of themselves, they never learned skills such as finding safe food and water and avoiding predators.

Horses are herd animals and need to be around their own kind to help teach and protect them. When horses are turned loose on land owned by the Bureau of Land Management, such as the desert west of Tooele, Utah, where herds of wild horses roam, their chances of survival are still low, because they are not likely to be accepted by any of the herds and they will not have the necessary teachers and protectors. Whenever humans are around the wild herds, it is easy to spot the domesticated ones; they will run up to anyone, excited because they think that person is their “saving grace” (Evans, D).

The second, unintended consequence of the lack of horse slaughter in the United States is that there has been a 300% increase of horses exported to foreign countries for the purpose of slaughter (Macejko 22). This has created a problem in that it increases traveling time for the horses. With an increase in traveling time, there is a decrease in bathroom breaks, available food and water and an increase in time spent in a confined trailer. With these two variables in play, the chances of the horses arriving at their destination safely and without harm have decreased. There are regulations in place that prohibit transporting aggressive horses with others, and transporting horses in a trailer that is too confined for them (“Frequently”).

The third unintended consequence is a drop in the value of a horse. It has been estimated that $24,320,000 in horse value will be lost if a ban on slaughter is passed into law (North 105). Even though the ban didn’t pass, the plants are still closed so it is assumed that a figure resembling the aforementioned has been incurred in loses.

If monetary value is what people are willing to pay for something, than the value of middle classes horses has dropped significantly. In a conversation I had with Rebecca L. Winstead, a Utah State University professor who has had twenty-one years of experience in the horse industry, the drop in the value of a middle class horse has several factors. She said that of these factors, the lack of slaughter as an available option for horse owners is huge. It was noted that the economy “hasn’t helped any,” but that the value started to drop before the economy went south.

Professor Winstead added, “It’s the horses between $3,000 and $15,000 that aren’t selling. The low horses are selling and the high horses are selling but the stuff in the middle isn’t.” Most of those horses currently on the market are considered middle class. It is to be assumed that the reason the low end horses are selling is because their price is right, just low enough that people can afford to buy them. The reason for the high end horses selling is most likely because they are excellent, show or race quality animals and very rich people are still willing to buy them.

Think back now to that horse described at the beginning of this paper. It is because of horses like him that organizations such as the American Association of Equine Practitioners (horse veterinarians) and the American Veterinary Medical Association oppose the banning of horse slaughter (“AVMA”). Joining them in the fight against a ban are the American Quarter Horse Association, the largest breed association in the world; the American Paint Horse Association, who believes that slaughtering horses for European consumption is economically health for the horse industry; and the International League for the Protection of Horses, a United Kingdom based group who believes that slaughter is a humane way to end a horse’s life (North 78).

With the reinstatement of funding for horse slaughter plant inspections, slaughter plants will be able to open across the United States. Several states, including Montana and North Dakota, have made plans to open their own processing plants if funding for federal inspections were to be found (Lewis 69). If these plants were to open, they would offer the horse industry an outlet for the more than 100,000 unwanted horses that face neglect (Evans, P 1). The opening of these plants would also offer a much needed job market to the troubled U. S. economy.

If you would like to get involved please email or call your state’s congressmen and inform them that you oppose any ban on the slaughter of horses for human consumption. Also include with that a plea for funding for processing plant inspections.

pre-marital education

I am morbidly fascinated with marriage, divorce, remarriage, and blended families. For my career I would like to be a pre-marital educator and form and implement my own program in Utah. I firmly believe that people, especially young Mormon couples, have a hard time understanding what marriage entails and that pre-marital education would arm them with the skills and knowledge necessary to survive the turbulence of married life. The four major things I would teach in my program are conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, and parenting. I would not be teaching only one way to do any one of these things, but several ways to do them that could be mixed and matched to fit someone's situation. I would also like to work with the LDS Church in bettering their various forms of marriage education. I believe that if a couple goes through some sort of pre-marital education, and knows that they have the skills to make it through tough times, then they will have significantly lower chances of divorcing and higher chances of being willing to work through things.

What do you think of pre-marital education?
Would you do a class with your fiance?
What would you like to learn in this sort of class?

to give thanks

I almost feel like I'm jumping on the bandwagon, what will all the Thanksgiving posts, but they aren't a bad thing. So, in list format, I am thankful and grateful for....

my daddy
my momma
my whole family
my best friend
my roommates
carhartt
cars w/ heaters
space heaters
cell phones
my house
school
the church
tv
music

Thank you everyone. For everything you've ever done to help me, for everything you're doing to help me, and for everything you're planning on doing to help me.

God bless you

what do you want from life?

I'm currently single and that's not a bad thing. I'm enjoying not having to worry about looking just right or saying the right things. I'm enjoying life... for the most part. For my major I am taking several classes on marriage and parenting and as I am sitting in class I have been thinking about what I want from life. I am of the opinion that life is a journey and you need to know where you want to go and how to get there if you want something, like a happy home. I want to live in a smaller town somewhere. Somewhere I can have land for a garden, an orchard, and horses. I want a nice house that I can clean and decorate to my hearts desire. I want three to five children, but I'll take whatever the Lord gives me. I want my children to be happy and healthy and to know that their parents love them. I want to be at home with my children, even when they are in school. I would love to be involved with my children's school and extracurricular activities. I also want to be involved with my church. I'd like my children to be around their cousins and I'd like to stay in contact with all of family, in-laws and all. I want to marry someone who will take care of me, the way I will take care of him. I want to be loved, and desired, and looked after. I want a man who will help me raise the kids, who will be an active part of their lives. I want so many things for my life. But the linchpin to this plan is finding a man who wants the same or similar things, and is willing to work on our marriage.

Do you know what you want from life and how to get it?

happy halloween, in two parts

PART ONE:
In honor of Halloween, and the candy it supplies, I have decided to dedicate part this post to Gourmet S'mores.

A Gourmet S'more is when you use different candy instead of just a chocolate bar. I'm sure many people have heard of Reese's S'mores; same concept. I have tried it with Reese's, Milky Ways (my favorite candy bar), Snickers, and Mounds. I haven't tried it with any non-chocolate candy, and I wouldn't suggest it. I look forward to also trying it with Whatch-ma-call-it's, 5th Avenues, Crunchs, 100 Grands, 3 Musketeers, Health Bars, and Fast Breaks.

How to make a Gourmet S'more without starting a fire:
1- Obtain 1 candy, 1 gram, 1 mallow
2- cut candy to fit gram (I like to cut the fun size candies [Milky Way, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, etc.] in half)
3- microwave mallow on half a gram for 15'ish seconds, or until it starts to expand
4- squish gram with mallow onto gram with candy and let sit until chocolate starts to melt
5- CONSUME!!!
6- repeat it desired. and you will desire!

PART TWO:
Have you ever sat back and looked at the last week, month, or year and thought, "Wow, a TON has happened!" For some odd reason, lots of epic things tend to happen in my life during the month of October. As this month has progressed, I have been thinking back to last year and what I was doing then. And now that it's Halloween, the most epic of all October days, I have been slightly impressed by how much I have changed. This side of a year ago, I didn't have a specific favorite color and now I do; it's sky blue. I didn't have a favorite band or genre that I loved and now I do; Led Zeppelin and Classic Rock. I was also struggling with a career choice. I was dancing back a forth between journalism, horse training, and something medical. I have now settled on Marriage & Family Therapist. I didn't have tons of thoughts on politics and I tended to be a little bit of a flip-flopper when it came to a lot of things in life. Over the last year or so, I feel that I have cemented as a person, which I am very grateful for.

So, happy Halloween :P

itchy feet

Have you ever been driving around town or walking down the street and you suddenly get the urge to hurry home, pack your things, and move to somewhere completely different? Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time dealing with the death of my horse, or maybe it's because I've lived in the same town for over 20 years, or maybe it's because I'm under so much stress that I get heartburn so bad I can't move! I don't know!! But I really want to move away. I want to find a job in tourist/recreation town like West Yellowstone or Jackson Hole or Park City, work as a waitress or in a bookstore and then just work and meet people and be surrounded by lovely mountains. I want to live somewhere I've never lived before and be free to dance and go to movies and date.

I hate the cold but for some really odd reason I can totally see myself settling down in a small town in Wyoming. I don't like being cold and I don't like it when the wind messes up my hair, but as I'm driving around town, or working at the barn I can just feel Wyoming calling to me. I've been working towards going on a mission but now I'm scared that isn't the correct route. I still headed in that direction though. I've considered doing a study abroad semester or just taking a semester off to work (like in the aforementioned situation). I don't know why my feet are so itchy but I can't shake the feeling to runaway.

the apple tree

Every young woman who has ever been involved with the LDS Mutual Program has heard the analogy of the apple tree. We are the beautiful apples who are high up on the tree and very hard to reach easily but because of it, we don't get lots of attention from boys. We need to wait for a boy to come around who will be willing to climb the tree and pick us, rather than pick up one of the fallen apples from off the ground. I have often wondered if the young men ever get the same type of story. I bring this up because I have realized something as of late: this story goes both ways! If I want a really good guy, the kind of guy my dad wants for me and the kind of guy I want for my children, then I need to be willing to crawl and scrap and climb to the top of the tree and find him. This will require patience, courage, perseverance, and a few of those other hard to practice virtues.

Another applicable quote is this: "Every time we give in to our short-term desires, we put off reaching our long-term goals." Granted, I read this is in a chapter about dieting, but I think that it still applies. A friend of mine told me this morning that I seem to be a little bit of a "douche magnet" and that makes reaching my long-term goal (a really good guy as a husband) hard to reach. These fella's I seem to attract are cute, fun to cuddle with and seemingly nice, but very few of them have the qualities that I want in my partner, so the question is, "Why do I pick them up?" The answer, "Because they are easy to reach." Shallow, yes, but it's the truth. That's not saying that every guy I've ever dated is "easy to reach," it is saying that as of late I am not climbing high enough.

I can think of three guys off the top of my head that I would love a chance to get to know better, but they are VERY high up on the tree and will take lots of work with no guarantee of a reward. Again, shallow, I know. As I have been contemplating this, I have come to a crossroads. I can either keep my eyes on the ground, searching for the easy to reach apples and satisfaction of my short-term desires, or I can look up, put on my gloves and start climbing towards the beautiful apples and my long-term goals. Another downside to aiming so high up on the tree is that if I fall, it is a long way back to the ground and it will hurt when I land. So the next question I have for myself is, "Is it worth it?"

be who you are at all times and in all places

Don't you love it when people act one way with one group of friends and a completely different way with another group? I'm a pretty good girl, I try to keep my cussing in check and I know how and when to be respectful. But on the same side of that coin, I'm kinda crude in that I do have some colorful language, and I'm not ashamed to talk about the kitten I dissected for my 19th birthday (it. was. awesome!) or things like that... you know, non-girly, nerdy type things. Not too long ago, I would try to be more girly around guys I liked and I wouldn't be my real self, because I was told that it was "too tomboy." Well, I got into a relationship and since I hadn't really been myself at the beginning, it was hard to be myself once I was in the thick of things. I eventually lost my mind in that relationship because I felt like I couldn't be "me" and that was entirely my fault. Since the end of that relationship, I have been striving to be me at all times and in all places. That means holding my tongue when I really want to just let the colors fly, and speaking up for what I believe in when it might not be the "popular" thing.

I love it when I find people who aren't afraid to be themselves and who stand up for what they think, no matter what those thoughts may be. Sure, I may not agree with you 100% of the time, but I'll admire you for having the guts to be you. I love it when people are upfront and honest from the start because then it makes it so easy to get to them and learn to trust them, which is the basis of any good relationship. I'd rather people were themselves and we find out that our personalities just don't jive than end up being friends or friendlier and emotionally involved then find out we don't jive.

If you don't know how to be yourself at all times and in all places, then write down your values- decided what you like and don't like and what you support and don't support then look at your list. Think about all the places you go each week, school, religious services, social activities, and review your list- do you like and support the same things in each of those places? If not, figure out why! Do you support one thing at church and not at school because it's the popular thing to do at the time? If so, that is no bueno. Have confidence in yourself. If you're afraid of losing friends over letting your real self show, then those friends weren't true friends in the first place.

I will stipulate that some mannerisms offend some people and you must make the very personal decision of whether or not those people are worth changing those mannerisms for. If they are worth changing for, than there is no shame in changing. If they aren't worth changing for, than there could be shame in changing anyway.

At the end of the day, are you proud of yourself? Do you like who you are? Can you sleep peacefully at night?

And so it begins

I love my life, that is fact. Even though I am young by most peoples standards, I have seen and experienced my fair share and I have many thoughts on these things. Most of what I write will have a rambling feel to it and may seem incoherent. I like to pretend that someone will read this and find it slightly hilarious.

I am a student at Utah State and I hope to one day complete a degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. I love to go country swing dancing and horseback riding. I also love to read and to learn. I like science fiction and action movies. I eat more fruits and vegetables in one week than most people eat in one month and I don't like the smell of meat. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I value and believe in my religion.