belief

Because of my resent blog posts, many people have asked me what I believe. If you have specific questions beyond what I answer here, please let me know.

First and foremost, I believe that everyone (and by everyone I mean LGBT peoples, Muslims, Asians, everyone) has the right to pursue their own happiness, whatever that may be, so long as it doesn't destroy the happiness of others.

I believe that there was something before this life, and that there will be something after this life, but I don't know what either of those things might have been or may be.

I believe that as a member of the human family we have the responsibility to help one another attain happiness.

I believe that I only get one chance on Earth and my goal for this life is to help as many people as possible find their happiness.

I believe that life isn't black and white, but rather every color of the rainbow including 100's of shades of gray.

I believe in the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of Karma.

My beliefs are still in their infancy, and I am still developing many more. Please ask me questions, that's now I develop these beliefs. But I ask that you respect me and the beliefs that I am forming. If you ask me how I feel about something, and then don't like the answer, tough cookies.

organized religion

Organized religion scares the g**-d*** f*** right out of me! I came to this realization while I was standing in front of the Salt Lake Temple, surrounded by my friends as the lights twinkled from every tree. I was staring up at that huge marble building from the reflecting pool, where many newly sealed couples take their pictures, and all I could think about was how the Mormon Church terrorizes its followers into submission. They dichotomize neighborhoods, schools, and families. They hold your eternal salvation hostage in exchange for your money and complete obedience to anything and everything they say. If you show up to church on Sunday with multiple piercings, high-tops, and a black dress, you will be treated differently. You will become the ward project and they will try to get you to take out your piercings, wear tasteful flats, and a pastel dress with complimentary jewelry. And if you don't, if you tell them that you aren't interested, they will tell you that you will not be allowed to enter the highest echelon Heaven and you will be separated from all those you love; at death, you will part.

Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.

Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.

Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...

church

I haven't gone to church for a really long time. I didn't really see a point to going after January 2011. I mean, every week I went, I was told how awful I was, how I wouldn't get to be with my family forever, and how my mom is going to go to outer darkness. According to the Church Handbook I can't participate in church either. I can go, sure, but I can't make comments in class, pray out loud, read scripture passages out loud, lead the music, hold a calling, take the sacrament, give a talk in church, give a lesson... So what is the point in going?

On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.

While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.

But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)

Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.

Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.