Over the course of my life I have had many relationships but none have lasted longer than four months. As of today I have been dating my current boyfriend for seven months, two weeks, and two days and I'm scared. Yeah, that's right, scared. I have never been this deep in a relationship or in love and I'm so terrified for when the ending will come. And one way or another it will come, either we'll break up or we'll get married and then when we get old one of us will die first. I don't want this relationship to end.
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
*explicit* the freakout
Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
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