church

I haven't gone to church for a really long time. I didn't really see a point to going after January 2011. I mean, every week I went, I was told how awful I was, how I wouldn't get to be with my family forever, and how my mom is going to go to outer darkness. According to the Church Handbook I can't participate in church either. I can go, sure, but I can't make comments in class, pray out loud, read scripture passages out loud, lead the music, hold a calling, take the sacrament, give a talk in church, give a lesson... So what is the point in going?

On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.

While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.

But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)

Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.

Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.

why i love the movie avatar

You know, I really love the movie Avatar. I know a lot of people call it “Pocahontas in Space” or “Dances with Aliens” and say that the science is bogus and all of that. But I love it for the little nuances in the story, like the referral to a bad economy back on Earth or the mean bush of Venezuela, as though we should know what they are talking about; and the social aspect is expertly written. I also love it for the use of CG; the details and the movement, it all looks so real! But above all I love it for its approach to nature.

Now don’t go calling me a PeTA activist or a die hard tree hugger because if you know me then you know that’s not me. I love their respect for the forest and its occupants and the way they talk about a flow of energy that goes from their food, to them, then back to the Earth… Haha, I just realized that is The Lion Kings Circle of Life. But in all seriousness, I feel like that is how it is.

As the highest evolved creatures on this planet I believe that we have a responsibility to the other inhabitants. I believe that we need to have respect for the Earth's wild places and the animals that rely on them. I don't condemn loggers, as long as they replant and don't log so fast that the animals are hurt by the lack of home space. I don't detest commercial fishing so long as they leave enough to breed for next years. I don't despise the study of animals so long as we do only what is necessarily and don't torture the poor thing. I don't believe in hunting or fishing for sport, but for food is okay so long as people don't kill more than they need. I don't believe in unnecessary confinement. And I absolutely abhor any form of animal abuse.

Those animals who are in our care, those we have domesticated, such as cows, horses, pigs, dogs, and chickens, rely on us for food, shelter, and often times companionship and I believe it is our duty to supply that. Cows would never survive in the wide because we have bred most of their natural instincts out of them, including mothering. Horses would never survive because they don't know how to find water or nonpoisonous food; they didn't have a horse to teach them. We need to be kind and show respect to the animals that are in our lives.

And to add a spiritual point here, the Pagans of old (and maybe now a days too, I haven't checked....) believe that the Earth is our mother (hence the term "Mother Earth") and the Sky is our father. I have heard it said that the reason Mormons kneel when they pray is so that they have a connection to their Mother. So maybe the reason Mother in Heaven doesn't get mentioned is because it's just too far fetched of an idea for the public to accept. If the Earth is our mother then as her children we should be responsible stewards over what she has supplied us with.

Let's keep the green spaces and wild places. Let's keep our pets and take good care of them. Let's not litter or unnecessarily pollute. Let's stay in touch with nature.

dear usu

Dear Utah State University-

For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.

Shame. On. You!

You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!

The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.

The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!

My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.

Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.

With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student

adulthood

I turn 21 next week... I will be able to legally drink, and I have friends my age who are married, who have kids, who have finished college, who chew tobacco... But what are the hallmarks of an adult? What makes someone "grown-up"?

Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?

I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.

Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.

Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.

Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.