obsession

I have an obsession with weddings, in a bad way. There, I admit it. I am obsessed with weddings! And engagements, and marriages, and divorce, and relationships!! And this isn't an obsession wherein I have already booked my venue, bought my dress, picked a band, and have a photographer on standby while I wait for my true love. No, this is an obsession wherein I scour Facebook for changes in relationship status, engagement and wedding pictures, and frequently comment, out loud for anyone within earshot to hear, "Why the hell do people get married so young?!," all whilst I bemoan my singleness.

After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.

I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.

I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.

Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."

ps...

I didn't go to do door-to-door sales... I am now working in a deli and living with my parents. I'm also training a horse and learning the play the guitar. This is summer will be just fine.

door-to-door summer sales

My manager has been trying to encourage me to tell myself that I will make lots of sales and do great this summer and he doesn't understand why I always say "maybe" or "I hope so." Well this is why.

I don't want to build it up in my head that I'll do great over this summer and have it flop flat on it's face. I don't want to think that I'll come home with $10,000 only to come home with $4,000. I fear that this job is going to be so rough and tough that I go home crying after six days.

Every time I tell someone that I'm going to do door-to-door summer sales 99% of the time I get the same are-you-crazy-you're-gonna-have-a-horrible-summer-look on their face. I've had people say, "You are so brave, I could never do that," or "Wow, good luck!! *eye roll*" Not once have I told someone and had them say, "You're gonna do great! You'll have a lot of fun!" Okay, that's a lie, one person has said that to me. Kyrstal, and she did the same program last year, but she's the only one.

I know I should be able to "fill my own bucket" and such but it's hard when everyone pokes holes in it faster than I can patch them up.

I'm losing my nerve and starting to regret this job. But I'm in for the long haul; it's too late to find another job. I sure hope that I do well at this and that it is fun and rewarding...

Some encouraging words would be nice... and yes, I'm fishing for them.

new year's resolution part II

I've already broken one of my resolutions and for those who know me, this won't be a surprise. I have broken resolution #9- no serious dating until May 2011. I now I have a boyfriend named Alex and he's a sweetheart!

I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.

I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.

Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!