dear usu

Dear Utah State University-

For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.

Shame. On. You!

You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!

The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.

The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!

My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.

Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.

With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student

wrong thinking

How do you convince yourself to believe something?

Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.

I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.

That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.

So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.

I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?

adulthood

I turn 21 next week... I will be able to legally drink, and I have friends my age who are married, who have kids, who have finished college, who chew tobacco... But what are the hallmarks of an adult? What makes someone "grown-up"?

Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?

I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.

Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.

Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.

Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.

millennial thinking

In a desperate attempt to find online resources for people who aren't necessarily the strongest in the Church but want to get stronger, I found MormonMatters.Org, a site that discusses Mormon topics ranging from cultural to theological. The members that speak on the podcasts are devout, faithful members who don't always see eye-to-eye with the men in Salt Lake, just like me! It was a relief to find this site and realize that I wasn't alone in thinking that the good brethren sometimes don't understand the people they are leading.

The first podcast I listened to was about about the young single adults (YSA's) of the Church and what may be effecting their rate of inactivity [click here to find it], which was quoted at being at a rate of 80%. One of the big things that they talked about was how the things taught in the Church are the same for the twelve year olds as it is for the eighteen year olds, which leads to unanswered questions and frustrated learning. Once a youth turns eighteen, they take their leave of the Church because they don't feel that it satisfies their religious needs.

Another thing that was talked about was the big push to get the YSA's married because the Church knows how to better identify with married members than it does single members. But this big push for marriage isn't having the effect they want it to have. This generation is one that has seen terrible amounts of divorce and tough economic times which often shoots the "if you are a good member everything will turn out perfect" argument right in the foot! 20'somthings are going to college and leaving with more debt then they can off in five years, which is not conducive to a good marriage environment. And please don't get me started on the lack of marriage preparation the Church offers to its young members. One of the things that was brought up in this podcast was that there are plenty of good, faithful members who are working in the fields of Marriage & Family Therapy (my chosen field), Sex Therapy, Psychology, Sociology and Human Development who could help create a good marriage education curriculum built not just on gospel principles but also on proven marriage improvement techniques.

In conjunction with the topic of marriage preparation, sexual education was also brought up, or the lack there of. Humans are naturally curious and naturally sexual yet for the most part the Church has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the whole thing, which leads to teens and 20'somethings going elsewhere for their education. Sometimes they find good quality information that quenches their curiosity and they don't have any problems. More often they glean their information from peers, porn, and the media, all quality sources *sarcasm* I purpose that if the Church were more open about it, more willing to talk about it, then it wouldn't be such a big problem, but I could be wrong.

The one thing that I ask of the Church (if anyone important is reading this, which is doubtful) is that they revamp the Young Men/ Young Women manuals to exclude the lessons on chastity that include the Half-Eaten Cookie Story (or any version there of), or stories of how you are better of dead then to lose your virginity under any circumstance. Fear is NOT a good motivator to do good.

Chances are I will be blogging about what I read and listen to from this podcast site- I think it's good stuff!

PS- "millennial thinking" is in reference to my generation, commonly referred to as the Millennial Generation. One of the things discussed in the podcast was that those who are members of this generation are more technologically savvy which means they have access to more information that ever before, which leads to more questions that Church leaders have a hard time answering.

why get married?

What is a good reason to get married?

Because you love that person?
Because that person is your best friend?
Because you want to have sex with that person?
Because you want to have children with that person?
Because that person may be your last shot a marriage?
Because you can't imagine life without that person?
Because that person makes you happy?
Because that person inspires you to be better?
Because you love that persons family?
Because you want to have a wedding?
Because your religion says you have to?
Because your parents tell you to?
Because you need someone?
Because that person completes you?
Because you want to grow old with that person?

Why do people get married?

love and expectations

It has been said that when you love someone you should love and accept all of them, faults and perfections. Does that mean that if there is something that bothers you about the person you should either learn to live with it or break up with them? Is it wrong to think that it's okay to change for someone if the change is in a positive direction? Of course that brings in the ambivalence of "a positive direction." That is to say that what is a positive direction for me could be seen as a negative direction for another person. So... what do you think?

ps...

I didn't go to do door-to-door sales... I am now working in a deli and living with my parents. I'm also training a horse and learning the play the guitar. This is summer will be just fine.