starla

That is my little Starla girl. She is a two year old that I am training and she technically belongs to my grandfather but I call her my partner. I love her very much and want to do all that I can to keep her from harm- mental or physical. She is very sweet and smart, loves people and wint-o-green peppermints, and is my best friend and partner. She is more than just livestock or a pet to me, she is the one who listens when I have crazy I need to spew, the one who flies with me across the pasture, the one who loves me unconditionally but knows when to tell me to come to my senses. I love her so much.

But since she technically belongs to my grandpa I have no control over when she gets checked by a vet, or has her hooves trimmed, or who she is exposed to, or what she is trained for. My grandpa wants her to be a buggy horse while I want to train her to be a get-on-and-ride horse. My grandpa is a wait-and-see kinda of guy when it comes to her health and I am more of a better-safe-than-sorry type of gal. I have raised Star to be a lovable horse, to show love when she feels like it. Horses show love and affection to one another by rubbing against each other and nibbling and they do the same to people, and many trainers (including my grandpa) train that out of horses; I don't want her to lose those loving traits! I also want her to be treated with respect and kindness and that is something that some people have a hard time seeing as "needed" when interacting with a horse. I am SO nervous about who comes into contact with her. I don't ever want anyone to hurt her, I want to always be there to protect her from everything.

She's my baby.

belief

I am not what you would call an orthodox Mormon. I like caramel macchiato's, R-rated movies, and going for hikes in lieu of Sacrament meeting. The temple scares me and the belief that to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, the Heaven of Heavens, you have to be involved in a polygamist marriage makes me angry. I don't like that Father in Heaven is portrayed as an obey-or-die type, and I hate that no one will talk about Mother in Heaven. I don't like that it is taught that it is the girls responsibility to keep the boys thoughts clean. I really don't like that the boys get to do boy scouts and go camping and fishing and hiking while the girls get to learn how to... You know, I don't think I really learned anything in Young Women's.

I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.

This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.

Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.

why i love the movie avatar

You know, I really love the movie Avatar. I know a lot of people call it “Pocahontas in Space” or “Dances with Aliens” and say that the science is bogus and all of that. But I love it for the little nuances in the story, like the referral to a bad economy back on Earth or the mean bush of Venezuela, as though we should know what they are talking about; and the social aspect is expertly written. I also love it for the use of CG; the details and the movement, it all looks so real! But above all I love it for its approach to nature.

Now don’t go calling me a PeTA activist or a die hard tree hugger because if you know me then you know that’s not me. I love their respect for the forest and its occupants and the way they talk about a flow of energy that goes from their food, to them, then back to the Earth… Haha, I just realized that is The Lion Kings Circle of Life. But in all seriousness, I feel like that is how it is.

As the highest evolved creatures on this planet I believe that we have a responsibility to the other inhabitants. I believe that we need to have respect for the Earth's wild places and the animals that rely on them. I don't condemn loggers, as long as they replant and don't log so fast that the animals are hurt by the lack of home space. I don't detest commercial fishing so long as they leave enough to breed for next years. I don't despise the study of animals so long as we do only what is necessarily and don't torture the poor thing. I don't believe in hunting or fishing for sport, but for food is okay so long as people don't kill more than they need. I don't believe in unnecessary confinement. And I absolutely abhor any form of animal abuse.

Those animals who are in our care, those we have domesticated, such as cows, horses, pigs, dogs, and chickens, rely on us for food, shelter, and often times companionship and I believe it is our duty to supply that. Cows would never survive in the wide because we have bred most of their natural instincts out of them, including mothering. Horses would never survive because they don't know how to find water or nonpoisonous food; they didn't have a horse to teach them. We need to be kind and show respect to the animals that are in our lives.

And to add a spiritual point here, the Pagans of old (and maybe now a days too, I haven't checked....) believe that the Earth is our mother (hence the term "Mother Earth") and the Sky is our father. I have heard it said that the reason Mormons kneel when they pray is so that they have a connection to their Mother. So maybe the reason Mother in Heaven doesn't get mentioned is because it's just too far fetched of an idea for the public to accept. If the Earth is our mother then as her children we should be responsible stewards over what she has supplied us with.

Let's keep the green spaces and wild places. Let's keep our pets and take good care of them. Let's not litter or unnecessarily pollute. Let's stay in touch with nature.

ps to obession

Haha, sorry guys! As much as my man and I love each other, we haven't The Big Talk yet so don't expect any engagement announcements from us any time soon.

love you all!

obsession

I have an obsession with weddings, in a bad way. There, I admit it. I am obsessed with weddings! And engagements, and marriages, and divorce, and relationships!! And this isn't an obsession wherein I have already booked my venue, bought my dress, picked a band, and have a photographer on standby while I wait for my true love. No, this is an obsession wherein I scour Facebook for changes in relationship status, engagement and wedding pictures, and frequently comment, out loud for anyone within earshot to hear, "Why the hell do people get married so young?!," all whilst I bemoan my singleness.

After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.

I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.

I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.

Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."

dear usu

Dear Utah State University-

For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.

Shame. On. You!

You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!

The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.

The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!

My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.

Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.

With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student

wrong thinking

How do you convince yourself to believe something?

Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.

I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.

That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.

So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.

I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?