Once upon a time, I was innocent. I used to be naive to the "bad" things of the world. I used to take the word of my parents as law, and the Church was absolute. I was a good Mormon. And then something happened. My mom decided the Church wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I had a serious crisis of faith. My mom, my rock, didn't believe anymore. My family wouldn't be eternal. The floor was ripped out from under me and I didn't know where I stood. My mom would tell me her thoughts on the Church and I started to seriously question it. Everything I believed, the pattern I followed for my life, was dependent on the truth of the Church and if it wasn't true, then what did I believe? Who was I without the Church?
I know many people who play the, "If I wasn't Mormon" Game. It's basically a list of things we would do, or be doing, if we weren't Mormon. Pretty self explanatory right? I would be a coffee drinker, I wouldn't be a virgin, and I would have a tattoo. I'd probably live with a group of my closest friends, regardless of gender, and I wouldn't go to church very often; it'd be more likely that you'd find me hiking, boating, snowmobiling, or doing something else outdoors. I already watch R-rated movies so that's covered. After years of playing the "If I wasn't Mormon" game, I never thought I'd actually do some of the things on my list.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
As I mentioned, every decision I make with my life is based on whether or not the Church is true. About four weeks ago I had an enormous decision set down in front of me. This decision was like setting a feast before a starving woman and telling her not to eat ANY of it until someone else said she could. If I'd have known when I would be told I could eat, then maybe withstanding the hunger pains would have been easier. A few days before the "feast" was presented, I had known that the option would be imminent, though I didn't know exactly when. I started to doubt everything I had been told; I wanted to eat so badly, but that would be contrary to the Church. I started to pray... A LOT. "Heavenly Father, please, help me know whether or not this is all true. Because if it isn't, then I'm going to gorge myself at this feast. But if it is, then I'm leaving the dining room." I felt like I never got an answer. I gorged myself. I literally made myself sick. And I loved every minute of it! I don't regret it because if you make a decision, being fully aware of all of your options and their consequences, then you don't have any right to regret it. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I need to regret it. And now that I have eaten at the feast, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I had always been told that if I ate before I was supposed to, God would turn His face from me and I would be completely devoid of feelings of His love for me. I know for a damned fact that isn't true. My Heavenly Father still loves me, he's disappointed, but He still loves me and wants me close to Him. He still likes to hear from me, and to know that I love Him and His son. And I since I have eaten, I have gained a deeper and more profound understanding of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love me. They love me so much that They came up with a plan that required sacrifice on both Their part and mine, that would provide a way for me to repent and come back to Them fully.
But right now, I'm not ready to repent. I don't know when I will be. I still love the Church, though I don't fully understand parts of it, and I don't fully agree with some of they ways they do things. I have heard of, and experienced, so many cases of manipulation by people (men and women alike) in positions of power in the Church; I don't trust the people based solely on the fact that we share theological ideas. I question things a lot more than I used to and I try to go to the right places for answers. And by right places I mean a combination of reading materials, namely the Holy Scriptures, and my own mind. Heavenly Father gave me my intelligence for a reason. I don't think He ever intended for me to follow blindly. I think, I KNOW He wants me to question everything and gain my OWN PERSONAL testimony of the things in the Church. I like to discuss theological things with people, especially people who aren't members of the Church. I like getting other people's views on life. I enjoy discussing religious things with my mom and my boyfriend.
I haven't been writing in my blog as much as I'd like and I haven't been saying what I want to. So now I am going to.
Well, you've got a great mind, and it'd be a shame not to put it to good use. Just be careful not to forget about faith too. Love ya, roomie! :)
ReplyDelete(Maybe you can talk to me about what happened four weeks ago sometime.)