family day

Today was family day at my singles ward. It was also the first time I have returned to my own ward in over 3 months. I haven't gone to that wards since I told Tyler that my therapist thought I needed to get him out of my life; that was a rough night... I have avoided my ward due to the fact that Tyler is in my ward and seeing him still hurts me.

Well, after much prodding from a friend, I agreed to go to Family Day and bring my parents; I secretly hoped that Tyler wouldn't have invited his mother and step-father, even though I knew it would be in vain. I showed up at the church house today and sure enough, Tyler was there with his family. His mother went to my Relief Society class and she bore her testimony at the end of the lesson. Hearing her voice again tore me to pieces; I cried. But the hardest part was when Tyler stood up to bear his testimony; he looked right at me... and I smiled. During the Linger Longer Luncheon after the services, Janet, Tyler's mother, came and hugged me and told me that she misses me, and still loves me very much. She also asked me to call her tomorrow; and I'm going to. I miss her so much, and I love her too. It would be so great to talk to her. Kenna was also there, I hugged her and wished her a belated happy birthday. I also said hi to Jeff. But I never spoke to Tyler, just smiled at him and waved good-bye as I left. I still have feelings for him. A part of me will always love him and wish him happiness and good health. BUT...

I love Alex Raymond Barker very much. He is an amazing man and he loves me. I can always tell in the way he looks at me and speaks to me that he cherishes me, and values me. That is one thing I missed from Tyler. I could never tell just by the way he spoke to or looked at me that he loved me, valued me, or cherished me. I love Alex and he loves me; I'm not leaving him.

As much as I love Alex, I still have feelings for Tyler. And as much Alex loves me, he still has feelings for his ex. We have acknowledged these old feelings to each and we are both okay that the other has them. And it doesn't change how much we love each other, or how devoted we are to each other.

This my declaration of love for Alex Raymond Barker of Willard, Utah. I love him and want to stay with him for as long as I can. I am grateful to Tyler for so many things, but right now I am grateful for the lesson he taught me; if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, love him and respect him enough to let him find someone else, it's okay. If things don't end in marriage for Alex and I, it's okay; I he will always have a place in my heart.