new year's resolution part II

I've already broken one of my resolutions and for those who know me, this won't be a surprise. I have broken resolution #9- no serious dating until May 2011. I now I have a boyfriend named Alex and he's a sweetheart!

I think the goal of getting a 4.0 is attainable but it will be harder to reach than it was last term. For some reason textbook publishers make each chapter is every book 20-30 pages long. And with four chapters to read each night, that's a lot of pages! But I am learning a ton.

I've got a job for the summer sell books with a company called Southwestern so I'm really excited about that. It's gonna be a hard adventure but I think it's gonna be worth it.

Last week I went snowmobiling with my family and I crashed coming off a jump and broke my camera :'( But it was SOOOO much fun!! I love snowmobiling a lot! And we rented a cabin, which was great! I think when I grow up I'd like to own land and a cabin or maybe rent (which is a little cheaper and you don't have to clean it up too much). I like spending time with my family like that, just us doing fun things!

attack of the past

You see that good lookin' dark haired guy sitting next to me? His name is Thomas. I met him on the first day of class in the 6th grade and I was instantly attracted to him. When he found out that I had a crush on him, I became the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. This was a theme for the rest of my public education. This picture was taken at my house; I asked Thomas to be my date for the Sadie Hawkins 2007 dance. It was the November of my senior year and I promised my best friend that I would ask him if she asked her crush. I was betting quite heavily that Thomas would say no to me. Imagine my utter shock when he didn't. That was the single most awkward date I have ever been on. Okay... maybe second. After that date I don't think he ever spoke to me again. After graduation we went our separate ways. I went to USU and he went on a mission.

I was at the grocery store with my mom and little sister today. I was just getting done using the restroom after having bumped into my most recent ex when Ali called me. "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!?!" "Yeah, I know, my ex is here." "NO!!! Thomas is in the store!!" The adrenaline that flooded my system was immediate and over-powering. I was in high school again and the guy I liked, but who hated me, was in the store. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was shopping with him mom. I walked swiftly around the corner with my sister. "You are not allowed to leave the store without looking at him," my mom whispered to me with a laugh. I walked briskly down the isle, aware that he and his mother were behind us. I was so tense and high-strung. He walked passed me and my cart on his way down another isle. My family went to check-out and so did he. As I left the store, I had to pass him. As I walked passed, he called out to me, "Hi Erin." I froze. HE spoke to me... Thomas spoke to me... of what I presume is his own free will. We exchanged pleasantries and discussed the fact that he just got home from a mission to Minnesota on Wednesday, how here was warmer than there, and how he was doing classes at USU this coming term. I left the store feeling shell-shocked and rocked to my core. I was also extremely embarrassed because my mom and little sister said that I laid on the flirt just about as thick as they had ever seen.

I just... wow, it was weird to see him. I feel like such a high schooler right now.

WARNING: angry rants and ravings

I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.

I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!

I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.

I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(

This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.

new year's revolutions

1- no sweets except on Sunday (the sugar messes with my head)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)

a change of pace

For the last two years I've been in and out of relationships, and I haven't had any time to figure myself out. I did learn a lot about myself from those relationships but I need to integrate that information into my self-concept. I know that makes me sound like a computer but I really feel like I need to take what I've learned from these relationships, and redefine myself. I am going to take a hiatus from men. I know I've said that before but I'm serious this time. And it actually won't be that hard. All of the guys in my ward I am interested in, aren't interested me and since I won't be in school for the next twenty days I won't have to worry about meeting guys there for a while. And by the time school starts I'll be in the swing of not dating. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop hanging out with my guys friends, because without them I would lose my mind. What I am going to do is not date, or make-out, or cuddle, or dot-dot-dot. I am going to be a good girl. I need to get my head on straight and be a good girl.

I want to read lots of books. I want to read books about the history of rock & roll. I want to read about the Gospel and Christ. I want to read all of the books that I have in my bookcase.

I want to change my clothes style. Right now I feel that I don't have a defined style, like my wardrobe is all over the place. I like to dress classy, like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. I also really like my roommate, Meg's, style. She has this whole contemporary euro thing going on and I love it! Skinny jeans, and long baggy shirts with fun, cute scarves. Leggings, knee high boots, jackets, and fun pastel colors. I also really like long, big necklaces, clips for my hair, high heels and flats like Chucks (a contradiction, I know). I would use the classy look for church, business meetings, and higher society parties. I would use the contemporary euro look for everything else.

I want to cut and color my hair. I'd like my bangs back and maybe some more layers. Or maybe just more layers. I wish I had more money for that.

I just want to change my look, become for comfortable in my skin. And I want to become better, something that needs to happen from the inside out, but I think that being more comfortable in my clothes and with my looks would help with that.

adeus com amor

I am in love with the past. I am in love with a man who doesn't exist anymore. For a year and a half I have been in love with ----- --------. I have loved him more than I've ever love anyone. He's smart, kind, geeky, and can be a romantic when he tries. He and I have been through a lot together: deaths, failures, changes of major, illnesses, major injuries, two break ups and two attempts at being friends. A month ago, he was still that man I loved, and I felt that somewhere inside of him, he still loved me. But then I had a freak out, a space of time wherein I lose control of my feelings for him and I let the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including me, get to me; I freak out. That was a few weeks ago. Since that time I have felt like he's been pulling away from me. The same thing happened right before our second break up. I have tried so hard to maintain a friendship with him. But it doesn't seem to be working. This week I decided not to text him first. I broke it only three times in 5 days. I heard from him a few times. I accidentally read an email he sent me this time last year, I hadn't meant to open it. It only took a few words to bring me to tears; I miss him! What happened to him?! Where did he go...

I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream that he and I got married. It was a strange dream, disjoined at first. I was rushing around, trying to get ready for the wedding, his mom was there helping me. Then it was after the wedding and I was flopping down on a bed, exhausted and fully clothed, next to him. I had boots on under my wedding dress and he was in his tux. He was laying on his stomach, me on my back. I rolled my head over and look and him and we just laughed. And I was happy. I woke up so confused.

I feel that I don't have many options open to me. I can either press forward and pray that he comes around. I can cease communication and just see what happens. Or I can completely cut him out of my life. That last one will be difficult because he lives very near by. I honestly don't think I can be "just friends" with him- I still love him too much. I sometimes wish I could have a clean break from him; no communication at all. Unfriend him on Facebook, not answer his texts or calls, have my friends distract me at church. If he wasn't in my ward or living so close it would be much easier. Just walk away, and don't look back this time. But that would be so hard to do!! I hate the way I feel right now; neglected by a person I see as my best friend. I hate that thoughts of him bring tears to my eyes. I hate that I'm sobbing as I write this!!

I want my best friend back. But something deep down inside of me says that I won't get him back. I hate to say it, but I think it's right. If I can't have my best friend back, and if he doesn't want to be here, then all I can to say to him is "good bye with love."

obessive & compulsive?

A good friend of mine thinks I am OCD about marriage and relationships. Who knows, maybe I am. I am black and white about relationships, either it is, or it isn't. I'm terrified of getting married then having my heartbroken. I read a lot about it, and I talk about it a lot. I'm so scared of it. But I want to be married. I want a best friend who won't leave me, who will love me, who will put me first the way I will put him first. My friend told me to get a dog. I just want to be loved. I get upset when I find out that people younger than me are getting married. Especially if they've know their fiance for less than 6 months.

I hate being in love with a man who can't/won't love me back.