Because of my resent blog posts, many people have asked me what I believe. If you have specific questions beyond what I answer here, please let me know.
First and foremost, I believe that everyone (and by everyone I mean LGBT peoples, Muslims, Asians, everyone) has the right to pursue their own happiness, whatever that may be, so long as it doesn't destroy the happiness of others.
I believe that there was something before this life, and that there will be something after this life, but I don't know what either of those things might have been or may be.
I believe that as a member of the human family we have the responsibility to help one another attain happiness.
I believe that I only get one chance on Earth and my goal for this life is to help as many people as possible find their happiness.
I believe that life isn't black and white, but rather every color of the rainbow including 100's of shades of gray.
I believe in the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of Karma.
My beliefs are still in their infancy, and I am still developing many more. Please ask me questions, that's now I develop these beliefs. But I ask that you respect me and the beliefs that I am forming. If you ask me how I feel about something, and then don't like the answer, tough cookies.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
organized religion
Organized religion scares the g**-d*** f*** right out of me! I came to this realization while I was standing in front of the Salt Lake Temple, surrounded by my friends as the lights twinkled from every tree. I was staring up at that huge marble building from the reflecting pool, where many newly sealed couples take their pictures, and all I could think about was how the Mormon Church terrorizes its followers into submission. They dichotomize neighborhoods, schools, and families. They hold your eternal salvation hostage in exchange for your money and complete obedience to anything and everything they say. If you show up to church on Sunday with multiple piercings, high-tops, and a black dress, you will be treated differently. You will become the ward project and they will try to get you to take out your piercings, wear tasteful flats, and a pastel dress with complimentary jewelry. And if you don't, if you tell them that you aren't interested, they will tell you that you will not be allowed to enter the highest echelon Heaven and you will be separated from all those you love; at death, you will part.
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
church
I haven't gone to church for a really long time. I didn't really see a point to going after January 2011. I mean, every week I went, I was told how awful I was, how I wouldn't get to be with my family forever, and how my mom is going to go to outer darkness. According to the Church Handbook I can't participate in church either. I can go, sure, but I can't make comments in class, pray out loud, read scripture passages out loud, lead the music, hold a calling, take the sacrament, give a talk in church, give a lesson... So what is the point in going?
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
how to be a good girlfriend
Over the course of my life I have had many relationships but none have lasted longer than four months. As of today I have been dating my current boyfriend for seven months, two weeks, and two days and I'm scared. Yeah, that's right, scared. I have never been this deep in a relationship or in love and I'm so terrified for when the ending will come. And one way or another it will come, either we'll break up or we'll get married and then when we get old one of us will die first. I don't want this relationship to end.
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
*explicit* the freakout
Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
Friday, August 19, 2011
starla
That is my little Starla girl. She is a two year old that I am training and she technically belongs to my grandfather but I call her my partner. I love her very much and want to do all that I can to keep her from harm- mental or physical. She is very sweet and smart, loves people and wint-o-green peppermints, and is my best friend and partner. She is more than just livestock or a pet to me, she is the one who listens when I have crazy I need to spew, the one who flies with me across the pasture, the one who loves me unconditionally but knows when to tell me to come to my senses. I love her so much.
But since she technically belongs to my grandpa I have no control over when she gets checked by a vet, or has her hooves trimmed, or who she is exposed to, or what she is trained for. My grandpa wants her to be a buggy horse while I want to train her to be a get-on-and-ride horse. My grandpa is a wait-and-see kinda of guy when it comes to her health and I am more of a better-safe-than-sorry type of gal. I have raised Star to be a lovable horse, to show love when she feels like it. Horses show love and affection to one another by rubbing against each other and nibbling and they do the same to people, and many trainers (including my grandpa) train that out of horses; I don't want her to lose those loving traits! I also want her to be treated with respect and kindness and that is something that some people have a hard time seeing as "needed" when interacting with a horse. I am SO nervous about who comes into contact with her. I don't ever want anyone to hurt her, I want to always be there to protect her from everything.
She's my baby.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
belief
I am not what you would call an orthodox Mormon. I like caramel macchiato's, R-rated movies, and going for hikes in lieu of Sacrament meeting. The temple scares me and the belief that to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, the Heaven of Heavens, you have to be involved in a polygamist marriage makes me angry. I don't like that Father in Heaven is portrayed as an obey-or-die type, and I hate that no one will talk about Mother in Heaven. I don't like that it is taught that it is the girls responsibility to keep the boys thoughts clean. I really don't like that the boys get to do boy scouts and go camping and fishing and hiking while the girls get to learn how to... You know, I don't think I really learned anything in Young Women's.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)