a rant to no one
i graduate from college in less than 20 days but the only jobs i can find in logan are as a receptionist or working in fast-food joint or grocery store, nothing in my field. isn't that ironic? i go to college so i don't have to work a mediocre job in a grocery store, but that's the only thing i can do once i graduate? i currently have a dream job teaching kids to ride horses in park city, i'd love to go full time at that job, but that would mean moving down there and that would be mean leaving my fiance. he won't transfer schools, so if i want to stay with him i have to quit the job in park city or live without him. i can't keep driving down there for work. a 2 hour commute when you make $10/hr is not that great, especially in a little old '96 cavalier. have you ever tried to drive in a summit county snow storm? i've been the passenger during one and i can tell you, those things are not for the faint of heart. this is the feminist in me: why is that it isn't expected of alex to leave school to be with me, but it's expected of me to leave my job to be with him? are my dreams not as important or worthwhile? i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall trying to get to the other side but surprise! there is only cement behind that brick wall- there is no other side, no getting through. fuck all of this.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
homosexuality
This video makes me cry. Even though I have only ever known one gay gentleman in my life, and don't have any contact with him anymore, I am a HUGE advocate for gay-rights.
Imagine a world wherein it is just assumed that you will have a crush on, date, fall in love with, and marry someone of your same gender. That's the way your entire family is, that's the way all of your friends are, and that's the way everyone you know is, has been, and will be forever. But you don't like girls (assume you are a girl), you like guys. You have liked guys for as long as you can remember. You remember your first crush on a guy and how you were so sad to see him flirting with another guy. In all your classes you are taught about homosexual relationships and how that is the normal and right way to do things, but you just flat out don't like girls. Now that you are in college, and all of your friends are falling in love with the girl or guy of their dreams and planning their wedding and their lives, you still haven't found a guy that likes girls, and you fear that you will never find one. Even if you do, he would have to come out as a hetero to his friends, co-workers, and family. Then you two wouldn't even be allowed to marry in most states, and your relationship would be deemed "deviant". Your life with this man, should you ever find him, would be a tough one dogged by laughs, jeers, hazing, and harassment. And not just for you and your man, but also for your children if you ever have them. They would be the kids of hetero's and hetero's are weird, gross, and unnatural.
That is the world that most LBGTQ people live in and it sucks.
I don't understand how people can look at others and say, "Your type of love is wrong, and evil. My type of love is the only kind that is real and right." It makes me mad to see these lovely people pushed to suicide, or relationships with people they don't truly love. My heartbreaks for anyone who feels that they are second rate.
We tell children to not judge others by their cover, and to like people for who they are on the inside, despite their outside. Well, isn't saying, "You can't love or marry that person because their genitals are exactly like yours," doing the EXACT opposite of that statement.
I support gay rights and believe that they are some of the strongest and bravest people out there to stand up for themselves.
{ps- don't post anything derogatory or i'll block you from commenting, thanks}
Sunday, December 18, 2011
belief
Because of my resent blog posts, many people have asked me what I believe. If you have specific questions beyond what I answer here, please let me know.
First and foremost, I believe that everyone (and by everyone I mean LGBT peoples, Muslims, Asians, everyone) has the right to pursue their own happiness, whatever that may be, so long as it doesn't destroy the happiness of others.
I believe that there was something before this life, and that there will be something after this life, but I don't know what either of those things might have been or may be.
I believe that as a member of the human family we have the responsibility to help one another attain happiness.
I believe that I only get one chance on Earth and my goal for this life is to help as many people as possible find their happiness.
I believe that life isn't black and white, but rather every color of the rainbow including 100's of shades of gray.
I believe in the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of Karma.
My beliefs are still in their infancy, and I am still developing many more. Please ask me questions, that's now I develop these beliefs. But I ask that you respect me and the beliefs that I am forming. If you ask me how I feel about something, and then don't like the answer, tough cookies.
First and foremost, I believe that everyone (and by everyone I mean LGBT peoples, Muslims, Asians, everyone) has the right to pursue their own happiness, whatever that may be, so long as it doesn't destroy the happiness of others.
I believe that there was something before this life, and that there will be something after this life, but I don't know what either of those things might have been or may be.
I believe that as a member of the human family we have the responsibility to help one another attain happiness.
I believe that I only get one chance on Earth and my goal for this life is to help as many people as possible find their happiness.
I believe that life isn't black and white, but rather every color of the rainbow including 100's of shades of gray.
I believe in the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of Karma.
My beliefs are still in their infancy, and I am still developing many more. Please ask me questions, that's now I develop these beliefs. But I ask that you respect me and the beliefs that I am forming. If you ask me how I feel about something, and then don't like the answer, tough cookies.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
organized religion
Organized religion scares the g**-d*** f*** right out of me! I came to this realization while I was standing in front of the Salt Lake Temple, surrounded by my friends as the lights twinkled from every tree. I was staring up at that huge marble building from the reflecting pool, where many newly sealed couples take their pictures, and all I could think about was how the Mormon Church terrorizes its followers into submission. They dichotomize neighborhoods, schools, and families. They hold your eternal salvation hostage in exchange for your money and complete obedience to anything and everything they say. If you show up to church on Sunday with multiple piercings, high-tops, and a black dress, you will be treated differently. You will become the ward project and they will try to get you to take out your piercings, wear tasteful flats, and a pastel dress with complimentary jewelry. And if you don't, if you tell them that you aren't interested, they will tell you that you will not be allowed to enter the highest echelon Heaven and you will be separated from all those you love; at death, you will part.
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Since the dawn of time people have killed in the name of God. Raped in the name of God. Committed infanticide in the name of God. Religion is used has a political tool to abuse countless billions and take from them their rights to a happy life, free from terror.
Who gave them the right to do that?! Nobody! My mother always said, "They only have as much power over you as you give them." They, the Church, any church, no longer have power over me.
Now the only trick is to decided what my belief system is...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
church
I haven't gone to church for a really long time. I didn't really see a point to going after January 2011. I mean, every week I went, I was told how awful I was, how I wouldn't get to be with my family forever, and how my mom is going to go to outer darkness. According to the Church Handbook I can't participate in church either. I can go, sure, but I can't make comments in class, pray out loud, read scripture passages out loud, lead the music, hold a calling, take the sacrament, give a talk in church, give a lesson... So what is the point in going?
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
On Friday we had the annual family Christmas party. My dad was in charge of going to get my aunt who is in a nursing home after she broke her hip, and both legs. She has to stay in this giant reclining chair with wheels and the only way to get her from the home to my house is to take the van, take all the seats out of it, lift my aunt and her giant chair into it, and then take her out once we get to where we are going; this process took five full grown men on Thanksgiving. On Friday, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend were the only ones here who could go get her. My dad had been planning on my cousin and uncle to help him but my cousin was late and my uncle's plans had changed. So, my dad called his home teacher and asked for his help, and the home teacher said yes. And then my dad called our neighbor and asked him to come help, and our neighbor said yes. The sense of community and friendship that I got from that was overwhelming and I started to miss what going to church brought into my life: friends, people I could count on.
While I was at work last night I couldn't stop thinking about all of the fun times I had at my student ward while I was living in the Big White House (not in DC, but on 9th North). The enrichment activities that would start out as a skill building project but dissolve into talks of boys and school while we ate. The family home evening nights spent watching movies or playing games. I miss having a large group of friends my age that I can just call up and hang out with.
But since I'm living at home now, the singles ward that I should/would go to if I started going back will be filled with people I went to high school with and, God bless their (or mine) heart(s), I don't want to be around them. Their first impression of me isn't the person I am now, but rather the one they met when we were 14 or 15, and I am not that person any more. And besides, those people didn't want to hang out with me, or be my friend in high school, why would they want to be my friend now? (Yeah, I know, that's presumptuous, judgmental, and hypocritical.)
Another reason I'm reluctant to go back is because I'm not the same Mormon I was a year ago. I don't want to repent for my sins because they aren't sins to me. And as I said earlier, I can't participate in all of the regular parts of church unless I repent... Aw, the conundrum. I wish all of the Mormons who were like me, the uncorrelated, the Dehlinites, the unorthodox, could recognize each other in a meeting. Like having a sign over our heads that only we can see, so that we can identify each other, sit by each other, and support each other, because, quite honestly, our struggles are just a little different from an orthodox Mormon's.
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. Who knows what will happen in the future. Until then, I have a great family, and a really wonderful boyfriend who loves me.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
how to be a good girlfriend
Over the course of my life I have had many relationships but none have lasted longer than four months. As of today I have been dating my current boyfriend for seven months, two weeks, and two days and I'm scared. Yeah, that's right, scared. I have never been this deep in a relationship or in love and I'm so terrified for when the ending will come. And one way or another it will come, either we'll break up or we'll get married and then when we get old one of us will die first. I don't want this relationship to end.
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Because I'm so scared that this is going to end, I tend to become clingy and lose confidence in the relationship and in myself as the target of his love. Because of this lack of confidence I start to watch what I do and say and I turn into someone I don't recognize. Both my current boyfriend and most recent ex have told me that they wish they knew where the girl they originally fell in love with went...
How do I find my confidence again? How do I become a good long term girlfriend?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
*explicit* the freakout
Ladies and Gentlemen I am writing from the midst of one of my freakouts. I call them freakouts because that's what they are. I want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because it won't stop getting in my eyes. I want to punch windows and walls and doors. I want to break my hand and scar my knuckles. I wanna throw my computer on the cement and start stomping on it. I'm scared and angry and nauseous and anxious. I want to start running and not stop ever. I feel like I have a star that it going supernova inside my chest and the only way to get the energy from the blast out is to run and scream and do all the things I just said. I don't know now to stop this. I hate now I am feeling. I woke up feeling like this; this scared anxiety.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
I could be going through this because I'm on my way down from my anti-depressants. I feel great at 10mg of celexa but at none I feel like this, at 20mg I feel like this and my doc insists on having me at 40mg!! When I was at 40mg she said that I was showing symptoms of a bipolar person and I know bipolar, I'm not bipolar.
I could be going through this because the first week of school just ended and I am very behind on my reading assignments; I wish I didn't have to work during the school year.
I could be going through this because my eczema blew up with week. My chest, neck, and eyelids are so red and painful and it's because I'm allergic to my boyfriend's scented deodorant, body wash, and body spray. I told him that he had to stop using it or I'd have to break up with him for the sake of my health. He said he'd think about it. I told him NO, there is no thinking about it, it must be done or we are done. He asked if we could be still be friend if we broke up. Oh God, he's breaking up with me, was what I was thinking. I said that we couldn't still be friends, what the hell was he thinking? How could I still be his friend if he was boinking another girl?! I told him that. I was standing with my back to him, my face in the wall, I was sobbing. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to lose his best friend. It took me an hour to convince him he needed to do it. My married guy friends at work said that if their wives asked them to do what I'm asking him, they'd have no problem doing it. I don't know if that's because they are married to their girls, or they are just saying that because they aren't actually going through it. I hate my skin for making me do this to him. He said that I'm a hard person to live with because of my health. Yeah, I'm allergic to the fucking world and it hurts like hell and I might not be able to have kids but I don't have cancer! I don't have Alzhimers! I have all my fingers and toes and I'm IQ isn't 70! What if he can't do this? What if he decides that I'm not worth it? What if I can't find someone else? What if we get married and I pass this shit on to our kids? What if I get worse? What if I turn so ugly that he can't stand to look at me? I hate my fucking skin so much!! I just want to cut it all off and get skin grafts from a normal person. I just want to be happy and healthy and be loved for who I am!! I can't say that Alex is going to fall into all my what-if's, it's only been two days, but these are the thought going through my head. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the screen. I hate this I hate this I FUCKING FUCKING hate this!! Why can't I be normal and healthy like all the other bitches he's dated and been with?! I keep trying to tell myself that I'm healthy and normal but it doesn't help when my co-workers say that they are so impressed that I can do this because they couldn't. That means I'm not normal!! I want to be normal!! I want to wear make up like Angie and Kelsi. I want to dye my hair twice a month like they do. I want to be pretty like them. I don't want to have bright red eye lids that look like they are on fire. I don't want to have scaly fingers. Why can't I be normal!!
What if I never find someone who will love all of me? What if I'm like this forever, ugly and unhealthy and unlovable? What if I get married and then I get worse and he divorces me? Do you see what the freakouts do to me? They carry me down a raging river and smash me into rocks and dunk me under icy water until I believe that I'll never get out. And I can't get out.
Friday, August 19, 2011
starla
That is my little Starla girl. She is a two year old that I am training and she technically belongs to my grandfather but I call her my partner. I love her very much and want to do all that I can to keep her from harm- mental or physical. She is very sweet and smart, loves people and wint-o-green peppermints, and is my best friend and partner. She is more than just livestock or a pet to me, she is the one who listens when I have crazy I need to spew, the one who flies with me across the pasture, the one who loves me unconditionally but knows when to tell me to come to my senses. I love her so much.
But since she technically belongs to my grandpa I have no control over when she gets checked by a vet, or has her hooves trimmed, or who she is exposed to, or what she is trained for. My grandpa wants her to be a buggy horse while I want to train her to be a get-on-and-ride horse. My grandpa is a wait-and-see kinda of guy when it comes to her health and I am more of a better-safe-than-sorry type of gal. I have raised Star to be a lovable horse, to show love when she feels like it. Horses show love and affection to one another by rubbing against each other and nibbling and they do the same to people, and many trainers (including my grandpa) train that out of horses; I don't want her to lose those loving traits! I also want her to be treated with respect and kindness and that is something that some people have a hard time seeing as "needed" when interacting with a horse. I am SO nervous about who comes into contact with her. I don't ever want anyone to hurt her, I want to always be there to protect her from everything.
She's my baby.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
belief
I am not what you would call an orthodox Mormon. I like caramel macchiato's, R-rated movies, and going for hikes in lieu of Sacrament meeting. The temple scares me and the belief that to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, the Heaven of Heavens, you have to be involved in a polygamist marriage makes me angry. I don't like that Father in Heaven is portrayed as an obey-or-die type, and I hate that no one will talk about Mother in Heaven. I don't like that it is taught that it is the girls responsibility to keep the boys thoughts clean. I really don't like that the boys get to do boy scouts and go camping and fishing and hiking while the girls get to learn how to... You know, I don't think I really learned anything in Young Women's.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
I do love the idea of something beyond this life; that I have a loving father waiting to hug me and say, "I'm so proud of you!" I love the idea that when I pray, someone is listening to me. I love the idea that I can be with my man forever and that families are one of the most important things. I also really like the teaching that we should be kind to everyone no matter what.
This year has been quite the adventure for me as I have walked farther into the gray space between right and wrong. I have realized things and grown in ways that I didn't think were possible. I have a new found appreciation for my family. They are so great! They help me in such great ways and they are so much fun to be around. I love them so much more than I realized I did. And I want to raise my kids around them.
Since January I have done things that most orthodox Mormons would consider damning, and yet I have grown closer to my family and I feel like Heavenly Father is touching my life more than ever before. I say that proves that God loves everybody and not just orthodox Mormons of the one true church. I think it proves that you can be a wonderful and God loving person even when you don't follow the churches every word.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
why i love the movie avatar
You know, I really love the movie Avatar. I know a lot of people call it “Pocahontas in Space” or “Dances with Aliens” and say that the science is bogus and all of that. But I love it for the little nuances in the story, like the referral to a bad economy back on Earth or the mean bush of Venezuela, as though we should know what they are talking about; and the social aspect is expertly written. I also love it for the use of CG; the details and the movement, it all looks so real! But above all I love it for its approach to nature.
Now don’t go calling me a PeTA activist or a die hard tree hugger because if you know me then you know that’s not me. I love their respect for the forest and its occupants and the way they talk about a flow of energy that goes from their food, to them, then back to the Earth… Haha, I just realized that is The Lion Kings Circle of Life. But in all seriousness, I feel like that is how it is.
As the highest evolved creatures on this planet I believe that we have a responsibility to the other inhabitants. I believe that we need to have respect for the Earth's wild places and the animals that rely on them. I don't condemn loggers, as long as they replant and don't log so fast that the animals are hurt by the lack of home space. I don't detest commercial fishing so long as they leave enough to breed for next years. I don't despise the study of animals so long as we do only what is necessarily and don't torture the poor thing. I don't believe in hunting or fishing for sport, but for food is okay so long as people don't kill more than they need. I don't believe in unnecessary confinement. And I absolutely abhor any form of animal abuse.
Those animals who are in our care, those we have domesticated, such as cows, horses, pigs, dogs, and chickens, rely on us for food, shelter, and often times companionship and I believe it is our duty to supply that. Cows would never survive in the wide because we have bred most of their natural instincts out of them, including mothering. Horses would never survive because they don't know how to find water or nonpoisonous food; they didn't have a horse to teach them. We need to be kind and show respect to the animals that are in our lives.
And to add a spiritual point here, the Pagans of old (and maybe now a days too, I haven't checked....) believe that the Earth is our mother (hence the term "Mother Earth") and the Sky is our father. I have heard it said that the reason Mormons kneel when they pray is so that they have a connection to their Mother. So maybe the reason Mother in Heaven doesn't get mentioned is because it's just too far fetched of an idea for the public to accept. If the Earth is our mother then as her children we should be responsible stewards over what she has supplied us with.
Let's keep the green spaces and wild places. Let's keep our pets and take good care of them. Let's not litter or unnecessarily pollute. Let's stay in touch with nature.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
ps to obession
Haha, sorry guys! As much as my man and I love each other, we haven't The Big Talk yet so don't expect any engagement announcements from us any time soon.
love you all!
love you all!
Monday, August 1, 2011
obsession
I have an obsession with weddings, in a bad way. There, I admit it. I am obsessed with weddings! And engagements, and marriages, and divorce, and relationships!! And this isn't an obsession wherein I have already booked my venue, bought my dress, picked a band, and have a photographer on standby while I wait for my true love. No, this is an obsession wherein I scour Facebook for changes in relationship status, engagement and wedding pictures, and frequently comment, out loud for anyone within earshot to hear, "Why the hell do people get married so young?!," all whilst I bemoan my singleness.
After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.
I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.
I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.
Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."
After having two almost-engagements I am so tired of watching my peers tying the knot and looking so happy that it makes me sick. I'm happy for them, sure, but I'm also jealous to the point of madness. And it's not even that I want to have a wedding. My sister says that if she had the money she would just rent grooms and throw a wedding for herself every few years; me, I'm not like that. I want a best friend who will always be there, a man to have on call for cuddling, a person to fight with, and make with up, a man to build a life and home with, someone to come home to and go to bed with. If pressed to it, I would gladly give up the whole wedding/reception/honeymoon package if it meant that I got to put a ring on my love's finger and call us husband and wife.
I am currently dating, in mine and my siblings opinion, the perfect man for me. He is kind, caring, funny, nerdy, intelligent, capable of deep conversations while watch The Simpsons, he loves animals (dogs, cats, and chickens particularly) and most importantly, he's in love with me. There are so many levels on which we match so well! We certainly have our differences for sure but they aren't so big that I have to change myself to make it work. I love him and yes, I want to marry him.
I want him to put a ring on my finger as a sign to the world that there isn't anyone else he's rather be with. I want to move into a small married-college student apartment with him and have to scrape to make ends meet; I want to come home to him every night. I want to go with him when he goes out of state to study Astrophysics and I want to settle down in Logan-type town were he will be a teacher and I will be a therapist. I want to have babies with this man and watch as my parents transform into kick-ass grandparents, and we transform into what-the-hell-are-we-doing parents. I want to raise my babies, and teach them to drive and to have respect for other people as well as Mother Earth and so many other things. And I know that this man would make a great, if not perfect, partner in that adventure.
Yes, I'm 21, just a little kid. And yes, I have a very long life ahead of me. And yes, I very often say "why the hell do people get married so young?" but even though I can't answer for those scores of boys and girls going to the chapel, or temple, I can answer for myself in a very cliched way, "Because when you find the one you want to build a life with, you want to start building it right away."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
dear usu
Dear Utah State University-
For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.
Shame. On. You!
You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!
The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.
The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!
My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.
Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.
With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student
For the past few months I have watched you tear apart the landmarks of my childhood, brick by brick. I remember when sheep and cows roamed the field behind and near my house, with their insistent mooing and bleating singing me to sleep. I remember going past the old horse barn on 6th and wishing I could take lessons there. I remember the buildings were classes on animal husbandry were taken, and where records of livestock were kept, and where students slept when on lambing watch. And now you are turning tearing these places down to make room for a strip mall, hotel, and movie theater.
Shame. On. You!
You are the State of Utah's land grant university! Vast sums of money come from the government to you for the sole purpose of promoting agricultural education and research and what are you doing with it?! You are doing away with the hands on animal husbandry classes, moving the livestock operations to Welsville, 20 minutes south of campus, and putting more into biotechnology research, which is all well and good, than the actual teaching of livestock management. Do you have any idea how incensed the student body is?! Rather than just WALKING to my horse training class, I wasn't take an class and hour before or after an already three hour long class and then drive down to the barn 20 minutes (in good traffic) away! And I'm not the only one who feels like this!
The citizens of North Logan, where you want to put your businesses, don't like the idea of having these things in our backyards. We have no idea what kind of people they will attract or who will be working in them. You say that these things will be for the businessmen and dignitaries that come into town to work in the Research Park but they aren't the only ones who will be coming will they? The student body, some rowdy and crude, some with criminal backgrounds, will be coming to shop and see movies. And you say that your employees will be from that same student body population- I'm not okay with that and I am a student! I don't like the idea of college kids being so close to my younger siblings. This is a quiet, family-centered town were all of the businesses are west of my house and I want to keep it that way.
The other reason that us citizens don't like this idea is because we already have hotels, malls, and movie theaters and they are STRUGGLING in this economy! These buildings and all this money (some of it my tuition, the rest my taxes) will be a waste! Or you will drive those other businesses out of town and we will be left with empty buildings and that will only attract more of the population of Cache Valley close to my home and I don't like that!
My dad built my house here because we had a gorgeous view of the valley and he thought to himself, "The University would never build in my backyard, these are the fields for their animals." It wasn't but a few months later before you people announced this plan and when you petitioned my city council, my dad begged the councilmen to deny you. But they didn't because you are the big, bad, all-powerful University and you should be able to do whatever you want.
Shame on you for not listening to the citizens of the towns you invade. Shame on you for not listening to the taxpayers that keep you running. And shame on you for not listening to the people you are their for, the students.
With ever growing distaste,
an unsatisfied student
wrong thinking
How do you convince yourself to believe something?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Example: On one of my favorite TV shows, a woman explains why her life is pretty good and one of her reasons is because she can "stand naked in front of a mirror for five whole seconds before screaming, and not many woman can say that." I can't say that; I don't even last one second. When I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet my lower ribs, abdomen, sides, and sections of my hips jiggle, I don't fit in the summer shorts I wore last year, and I've gained roughly 20lbs since January. Because of those facts I believe that I am fat. My boyfriend, who has seen me in a bikini, disagrees adamantly! As do my gal pals and family. Virtually everyone in my life disagrees with me that I am fat, but I believe it. Now, those aforementioned facts are cast in a slightly different light when I say that from January to the end of April I have been lifting weights and biking at the student gym three times a week, but since the beginning of May my workouts have been decreased due to my loss of access to the gym. I have gained muscle weight and my pants don't fit anymore because my thighs have gained roughly an inch in muscle mass.
I could go on for pages about how the sight of obese people, or even just fat on regular people, makes me set down whatever I'm eating, candy or carrot, and not want to eat for several hours out of fear that I may become obese, or how I don't look good in a bikini or any other kind of swimwear but when it comes down to brass tacks, if you saw me as I am, you would most likely say that I'm not fat. But I believe I am because I don't look like the Victoria's Secret models and if I don't look like them then I must be fat & ugly. Logically, I know this isn't true. I spend hours telling my friends all the reasons and research about how the lifestyles that lead to those bodies aren't realistic for normal women, and how the pictures are airbrushed and fake but in the privacy of my bathroom I stare at myself and think how fat & ugly I am.
That was just an example of something that I think, that I know is wrong, but I still believe; there are many of them and if you ask I'll list more but be warned that doing so could lead to a bitter diatribe about all the different ways my life sucks. My wrong thinking runs into many different areas and so deep that not even my dearest friends can talk me out of some of them. I know, deep down in my heart of hearts and logic of logics, that most of the self-deprecating things I think are very very wrong, but I think them anyway.
So how many times do I have to "self-affirmate" to reverse all of this deprecation? Once a day? Twice a day? Five times a day? For a week? A month? Ten years?! From the way that some people talk on the subject it seems that the battle to affirmate and not deprecate is a constant one; every time a self-deprecating thought enters your mind you must fight it with all the reasons that it is a wrong thought. That seems like a TON of work to me. I believe that, like how the human lips naturally rest in a frown, it is natural for my mind to spit out deprecating thoughts and fighting them is hard. Since I don't like fighting my thoughts, I have other people do it for me. I fish for compliments and start arguments that eventually, sometimes unbeknownst to the other person, settle over one of my thoughts; me arguing for why it's right, them arguing for why it's wrong. Those are my two biggest strategies for getting others to fight my battles.
I want to learn to fight my battles on my own. Attempting to snare others into fighting my battles eventually loses me friends. But fighting my deprecating thoughts is hard, tiring, and it's so much easier to give in to them, to believe them. Is there any way to make the battle easier? Any way to make affirming thoughts more natural than deprecating ones?
Monday, June 20, 2011
adulthood
I turn 21 next week... I will be able to legally drink, and I have friends my age who are married, who have kids, who have finished college, who chew tobacco... But what are the hallmarks of an adult? What makes someone "grown-up"?
Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?
I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.
Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.
Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.
Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.
Owning a house?
Have a child?
Getting married?
Paying taxes?
Holding a college degree?
Paying all your own expenses?
Being able to buy what ever you want?
Setting aside your feelings?
Holding your tongue when it's wisest to say nothing?
Watching someone die?
Getting drunk?
Having the clout to say whatever you want?
Fighting in an war?
I think being an adult means paying your own way, understanding ALL of your responsibilities and not running away from them, knowing when to hold your tongue and when to set it free, and, among others, being able to set aside your own feelings and help someone else. I think being an adult is more about how you treat other people than what you have accomplished. Pitching a fit like a little kid when you don't get your way isn't very adult-like, but neither is taking it when someone is pushing you around like you're a child. I think being an adult is knowing how to balance treating others with respect while still commanding some respect for yourself.
Lately I've been more worried about what others think of me and trying to "command" that respect and because of that I don't think I've been treating others with much of it. As a general rule, I don't like blanket apologies, but if you feel like I haven't treated you with the proper amount of respect, I'm sorry and I can promise that I will be trying harder in the future. I think finding that balance will take some time; I'm not yet an adult by my definition.
Now, that being said, I think it is entirely possible for there to exist 10 year old adults and 49 year old children; I don't think there are many my-definition-adults in typical American society. For some reason it is so much easier for people to ignore that balance and just gravitate towards one end or the other. In my admittedly limited experience I feel that more often that not people end up on my end of the spectrum, the end where they just want respect but aren't willing to give it.
Gandhi, and I'm sure several others, said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." This idea is being perpetuated through my society with the use of commercials showing people being observed doing good deeds, and the observer being so impressed they go on to do their own good deeds which are observed and so on. Although these commercials are typically advertising car insurance or some such, they have a good idea. Maybe, if I want there to be more of my-definition-adults, I should start acting like one.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
millennial thinking
In a desperate attempt to find online resources for people who aren't necessarily the strongest in the Church but want to get stronger, I found MormonMatters.Org, a site that discusses Mormon topics ranging from cultural to theological. The members that speak on the podcasts are devout, faithful members who don't always see eye-to-eye with the men in Salt Lake, just like me! It was a relief to find this site and realize that I wasn't alone in thinking that the good brethren sometimes don't understand the people they are leading.
The first podcast I listened to was about about the young single adults (YSA's) of the Church and what may be effecting their rate of inactivity [click here to find it], which was quoted at being at a rate of 80%. One of the big things that they talked about was how the things taught in the Church are the same for the twelve year olds as it is for the eighteen year olds, which leads to unanswered questions and frustrated learning. Once a youth turns eighteen, they take their leave of the Church because they don't feel that it satisfies their religious needs.
Another thing that was talked about was the big push to get the YSA's married because the Church knows how to better identify with married members than it does single members. But this big push for marriage isn't having the effect they want it to have. This generation is one that has seen terrible amounts of divorce and tough economic times which often shoots the "if you are a good member everything will turn out perfect" argument right in the foot! 20'somthings are going to college and leaving with more debt then they can off in five years, which is not conducive to a good marriage environment. And please don't get me started on the lack of marriage preparation the Church offers to its young members. One of the things that was brought up in this podcast was that there are plenty of good, faithful members who are working in the fields of Marriage & Family Therapy (my chosen field), Sex Therapy, Psychology, Sociology and Human Development who could help create a good marriage education curriculum built not just on gospel principles but also on proven marriage improvement techniques.
In conjunction with the topic of marriage preparation, sexual education was also brought up, or the lack there of. Humans are naturally curious and naturally sexual yet for the most part the Church has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the whole thing, which leads to teens and 20'somethings going elsewhere for their education. Sometimes they find good quality information that quenches their curiosity and they don't have any problems. More often they glean their information from peers, porn, and the media, all quality sources *sarcasm* I purpose that if the Church were more open about it, more willing to talk about it, then it wouldn't be such a big problem, but I could be wrong.
The one thing that I ask of the Church (if anyone important is reading this, which is doubtful) is that they revamp the Young Men/ Young Women manuals to exclude the lessons on chastity that include the Half-Eaten Cookie Story (or any version there of), or stories of how you are better of dead then to lose your virginity under any circumstance. Fear is NOT a good motivator to do good.
Chances are I will be blogging about what I read and listen to from this podcast site- I think it's good stuff!
PS- "millennial thinking" is in reference to my generation, commonly referred to as the Millennial Generation. One of the things discussed in the podcast was that those who are members of this generation are more technologically savvy which means they have access to more information that ever before, which leads to more questions that Church leaders have a hard time answering.
The first podcast I listened to was about about the young single adults (YSA's) of the Church and what may be effecting their rate of inactivity [click here to find it], which was quoted at being at a rate of 80%. One of the big things that they talked about was how the things taught in the Church are the same for the twelve year olds as it is for the eighteen year olds, which leads to unanswered questions and frustrated learning. Once a youth turns eighteen, they take their leave of the Church because they don't feel that it satisfies their religious needs.
Another thing that was talked about was the big push to get the YSA's married because the Church knows how to better identify with married members than it does single members. But this big push for marriage isn't having the effect they want it to have. This generation is one that has seen terrible amounts of divorce and tough economic times which often shoots the "if you are a good member everything will turn out perfect" argument right in the foot! 20'somthings are going to college and leaving with more debt then they can off in five years, which is not conducive to a good marriage environment. And please don't get me started on the lack of marriage preparation the Church offers to its young members. One of the things that was brought up in this podcast was that there are plenty of good, faithful members who are working in the fields of Marriage & Family Therapy (my chosen field), Sex Therapy, Psychology, Sociology and Human Development who could help create a good marriage education curriculum built not just on gospel principles but also on proven marriage improvement techniques.
In conjunction with the topic of marriage preparation, sexual education was also brought up, or the lack there of. Humans are naturally curious and naturally sexual yet for the most part the Church has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the whole thing, which leads to teens and 20'somethings going elsewhere for their education. Sometimes they find good quality information that quenches their curiosity and they don't have any problems. More often they glean their information from peers, porn, and the media, all quality sources *sarcasm* I purpose that if the Church were more open about it, more willing to talk about it, then it wouldn't be such a big problem, but I could be wrong.
The one thing that I ask of the Church (if anyone important is reading this, which is doubtful) is that they revamp the Young Men/ Young Women manuals to exclude the lessons on chastity that include the Half-Eaten Cookie Story (or any version there of), or stories of how you are better of dead then to lose your virginity under any circumstance. Fear is NOT a good motivator to do good.
Chances are I will be blogging about what I read and listen to from this podcast site- I think it's good stuff!
PS- "millennial thinking" is in reference to my generation, commonly referred to as the Millennial Generation. One of the things discussed in the podcast was that those who are members of this generation are more technologically savvy which means they have access to more information that ever before, which leads to more questions that Church leaders have a hard time answering.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
why get married?
What is a good reason to get married?
Because you love that person?
Because that person is your best friend?
Because you want to have sex with that person?
Because you want to have children with that person?
Because that person may be your last shot a marriage?
Because you can't imagine life without that person?
Because that person makes you happy?
Because that person inspires you to be better?
Because you love that persons family?
Because you want to have a wedding?
Because your religion says you have to?
Because your parents tell you to?
Because you need someone?
Because that person completes you?
Because you want to grow old with that person?
Why do people get married?
Because you love that person?
Because that person is your best friend?
Because you want to have sex with that person?
Because you want to have children with that person?
Because that person may be your last shot a marriage?
Because you can't imagine life without that person?
Because that person makes you happy?
Because that person inspires you to be better?
Because you love that persons family?
Because you want to have a wedding?
Because your religion says you have to?
Because your parents tell you to?
Because you need someone?
Because that person completes you?
Because you want to grow old with that person?
Why do people get married?
Monday, May 23, 2011
love and expectations
It has been said that when you love someone you should love and accept all of them, faults and perfections. Does that mean that if there is something that bothers you about the person you should either learn to live with it or break up with them? Is it wrong to think that it's okay to change for someone if the change is in a positive direction? Of course that brings in the ambivalence of "a positive direction." That is to say that what is a positive direction for me could be seen as a negative direction for another person. So... what do you think?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
ps...
I didn't go to do door-to-door sales... I am now working in a deli and living with my parents. I'm also training a horse and learning the play the guitar. This is summer will be just fine.
desire
A friend of mine told me that everything we are starts with what we desire. What we desire leads to how we prioritize, which leads to how we think, which leads to how we choose and we are defined by our choices. When this friend asked me what I desired for my life, I didn't have an answer. Well I have an answer now.
I desire a husband who loves me in spite of my skin, loves to travel, is strong in the LDS Church, wants to be a father, and is my best friend. I want a marriage that will last forever. I desire a family. I want a small ranch in a place like Cache Valley, only warmer. I want horses and dogs. I want a home that my kids will feel safe in. I want a nice house where we can be comfortable. I desire a career that will let me help people while still being a great mom. I want to travel with my family. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with it.
I desire a husband who loves me in spite of my skin, loves to travel, is strong in the LDS Church, wants to be a father, and is my best friend. I want a marriage that will last forever. I desire a family. I want a small ranch in a place like Cache Valley, only warmer. I want horses and dogs. I want a home that my kids will feel safe in. I want a nice house where we can be comfortable. I desire a career that will let me help people while still being a great mom. I want to travel with my family. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with it.
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