WARNING: angry rants and ravings

I'm MAD!!! I'm so angry that when I am alone I randomly burst into hot tears of anger and sadness. I'm mad at me and at males in general. I'm sad about a few males in specific.

I'm mad at me because I got hurt by a guy... again. I was hurt in a way that I have been hurt in before and you'd think I'd learn from the one time. These guys, one at a time mind you, tell me that I'm beautiful and great so I start hanging out with them and then cuddling with them, and then kissing them and then come to find out they have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in dating me in anyway. This has happened twice in the last 6 weeks... go me. I'm mad because I don't hold out and make them work for the cuddling and the kissing. I don't wait for dates and getting to know them better before I leap into physical stuff. I hate myself for it. I hate the way I feel after I find out that I'm just an easy score to them. I feel like a tramp, an unwanted ugly creature not worthy of a real relationship. I hate that I am selling myself short. No more. I'm done with all of them. I don't want to date, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch, or flirt with any guys anymore!! I HATE this pain!!

I feel played by myself and by guys. I'm told I need to find a good guy. My response, "I'd love to, but what does one look like?!" I worry that these "good guys" are myths... or at least don't exist in my ward. I hate going to church right now because my ex, and the two guys who have no interest in me are all in my ward. Talk about NO FUN! i hate boys.

I'm just too tired to rant anymore... but please know that I am VERY MAD!!! and so sad too :'(

This is why I am not dating until May 2011 AT LEAST... it's not worth the heartache anymore.

new year's revolutions

1- no sweets except on Sunday (the sugar messes with my head)
2- go to the gym 2 times a week (plus dance class twice a week, rock climbing twice a week, and the Fun Park at least once a week)
3- read scriptures every day (doesn't matter where from, just study)
4- read from the Ensign during breakfast (because it's just as good for you as breakfast)
5- read one "for fun" book a month (because the mind needs a break from textbooks)
6- get a 4.0 for Spring 2011 (4.0's rock!)
7- look good everyday (i feel better about myself that way)
8- journal once a week (keep a record of this awesome life)
9- no serious dating until May 2011 (i'm calling a timeout on my dating life)
10- practice being a peacekeeper EVERYWHERE (just because)

a change of pace

For the last two years I've been in and out of relationships, and I haven't had any time to figure myself out. I did learn a lot about myself from those relationships but I need to integrate that information into my self-concept. I know that makes me sound like a computer but I really feel like I need to take what I've learned from these relationships, and redefine myself. I am going to take a hiatus from men. I know I've said that before but I'm serious this time. And it actually won't be that hard. All of the guys in my ward I am interested in, aren't interested me and since I won't be in school for the next twenty days I won't have to worry about meeting guys there for a while. And by the time school starts I'll be in the swing of not dating. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna stop hanging out with my guys friends, because without them I would lose my mind. What I am going to do is not date, or make-out, or cuddle, or dot-dot-dot. I am going to be a good girl. I need to get my head on straight and be a good girl.

I want to read lots of books. I want to read books about the history of rock & roll. I want to read about the Gospel and Christ. I want to read all of the books that I have in my bookcase.

I want to change my clothes style. Right now I feel that I don't have a defined style, like my wardrobe is all over the place. I like to dress classy, like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. I also really like my roommate, Meg's, style. She has this whole contemporary euro thing going on and I love it! Skinny jeans, and long baggy shirts with fun, cute scarves. Leggings, knee high boots, jackets, and fun pastel colors. I also really like long, big necklaces, clips for my hair, high heels and flats like Chucks (a contradiction, I know). I would use the classy look for church, business meetings, and higher society parties. I would use the contemporary euro look for everything else.

I want to cut and color my hair. I'd like my bangs back and maybe some more layers. Or maybe just more layers. I wish I had more money for that.

I just want to change my look, become for comfortable in my skin. And I want to become better, something that needs to happen from the inside out, but I think that being more comfortable in my clothes and with my looks would help with that.

adeus com amor

I am in love with the past. I am in love with a man who doesn't exist anymore. For a year and a half I have been in love with ----- --------. I have loved him more than I've ever love anyone. He's smart, kind, geeky, and can be a romantic when he tries. He and I have been through a lot together: deaths, failures, changes of major, illnesses, major injuries, two break ups and two attempts at being friends. A month ago, he was still that man I loved, and I felt that somewhere inside of him, he still loved me. But then I had a freak out, a space of time wherein I lose control of my feelings for him and I let the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including me, get to me; I freak out. That was a few weeks ago. Since that time I have felt like he's been pulling away from me. The same thing happened right before our second break up. I have tried so hard to maintain a friendship with him. But it doesn't seem to be working. This week I decided not to text him first. I broke it only three times in 5 days. I heard from him a few times. I accidentally read an email he sent me this time last year, I hadn't meant to open it. It only took a few words to bring me to tears; I miss him! What happened to him?! Where did he go...

I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream that he and I got married. It was a strange dream, disjoined at first. I was rushing around, trying to get ready for the wedding, his mom was there helping me. Then it was after the wedding and I was flopping down on a bed, exhausted and fully clothed, next to him. I had boots on under my wedding dress and he was in his tux. He was laying on his stomach, me on my back. I rolled my head over and look and him and we just laughed. And I was happy. I woke up so confused.

I feel that I don't have many options open to me. I can either press forward and pray that he comes around. I can cease communication and just see what happens. Or I can completely cut him out of my life. That last one will be difficult because he lives very near by. I honestly don't think I can be "just friends" with him- I still love him too much. I sometimes wish I could have a clean break from him; no communication at all. Unfriend him on Facebook, not answer his texts or calls, have my friends distract me at church. If he wasn't in my ward or living so close it would be much easier. Just walk away, and don't look back this time. But that would be so hard to do!! I hate the way I feel right now; neglected by a person I see as my best friend. I hate that thoughts of him bring tears to my eyes. I hate that I'm sobbing as I write this!!

I want my best friend back. But something deep down inside of me says that I won't get him back. I hate to say it, but I think it's right. If I can't have my best friend back, and if he doesn't want to be here, then all I can to say to him is "good bye with love."

obessive & compulsive?

A good friend of mine thinks I am OCD about marriage and relationships. Who knows, maybe I am. I am black and white about relationships, either it is, or it isn't. I'm terrified of getting married then having my heartbroken. I read a lot about it, and I talk about it a lot. I'm so scared of it. But I want to be married. I want a best friend who won't leave me, who will love me, who will put me first the way I will put him first. My friend told me to get a dog. I just want to be loved. I get upset when I find out that people younger than me are getting married. Especially if they've know their fiance for less than 6 months.

I hate being in love with a man who can't/won't love me back.

to be loved

I've been watching lots of movies and TV shows lately and in these shows there is a fair share of romance. As I have been watching them I have been growing increasingly jealous; I want to be loved! There is a man in my life who cares about me, but I don't know if he loves me. I don't want to pressure him. But I have girlhood dreams of love.

I want a man to think the world of me, to consider me his sun, moon, and stars.
I want a man to hold my hand, interdigiated.
I want a man to kiss me with his eyes closed.
I want a man to think of me when he needs motivation.
I want a man to bring me flowers just because.
I want a man to text me the morning to tell me he dreamed of me.
I want a man to text me as he's going bed, just to tell me "sweet dreams"
I want a man to call me "baby," and "princess," and other cute nicknames
I want a man to walk up behind me, put his arms around my waist and kiss my hair.
I want a man to pull me down onto a couch and cuddle with me.
I want a man to make me a nice dinner just because.
I want a man to rub my sore muscles after a night at the gym.
I want a man to romance me, make me feel special.
I want a man to love me for me.
I want a man to love me.

Is any of that too much to ask for? Are my expectations too high? I'm being serious... I just want to know if I'm hoping for too much.

voices

I won the Voices competition in my Engl 2010 class this semester. For this competition, you write a paper, personal narrative or research, and then the best paper from each class is chosen. If you are the best paper then you get to read it at the Voice's and maybe be published in a book. I'm pretty excited!!

This is my paper.

The Case for Horse Slaughter

With a dull coat and protruding bones, the horse stares blankly into a wooden fence post. At first one wonders if there is even a being capable of acknowledging the world behind those shrunken eyes. Standing on emaciated, wobbly legs, the horse barely looks as though he can remain upright through the next breeze. His pen is barren of grass, hay, and water, and he has only the shelter of a leafless tree to protect him from the rain and snow. This gruesome scene is becoming all too common in cities across the nation. Four years ago, this horse’s owners could have sold him to a slaughter plant and been paid to end his suffering. But with no operating slaughter plants open in the United States, the query is: Is this really a better way to die?

For the last three years there have been no horses slaughtered in the United States for the purpose of human consumption. Many people view this as a good thing but numerous others feel that it is not. In the time since the last processing plants were closed in 2007, the number of horse abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases has increased, the number of horses exported to foreign countries for the purpose of slaughter has increased, and the average value of a horse has decreased. These things have caused a great deal of turmoil in the horse industry which is why I believe that the slaughtering plants need to be reopened.

The three processing plants that closed in 2007 were owned by Belgian business men and closed due to the states’ laws. Two of the plants were in Texas - Dallas Crown in Kaufman and Beltex Corporation in Fort Worth - and the third, Cavel International, was in DeKalb, Illinois. The plants in Texas closed due a long forgotten state statute, originally passed in 1949, that says it is illegal to slaughter a horse for the purpose of selling its meat (Harkinson 34). The plant in Illinois closed when the state passed a law against horse slaughter.

There is no federal law prohibiting the slaughter of horses for human consumption, so the question is: why are there no plants operating in the United States? In November 2005, legislation passed that terminated the United States Department of Agriculture’s (USDA) funding for horse slaughter plant inspections (Frabotta 9E). Without the inspections, the horse meat that is produced in the plants cannot legally be sold or exported.

Despite the fact that there is no federal law against horse slaughter, there are states that ban the practice, such as Texas, California, and Illinois. Eleven states have passed, or are attempting to pass, legislation that would make it illegal to ban horse slaughter. Those states include Arizona, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North and South Dakota, and Tennessee (Lewis 69).

The horsemeat produced in the United States was primarily exported to Europe or Asia, where horse meat is considered a delicacy. There are numerous foreign markets where horsemeat produced in the United States can be sold. The meat from heavy draft horses is popular in Japan, while Italy prefers young, light horses. Russia, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland and France also use horsemeat in their day to day meals. Eastern European countries like Poland and Romania are suppliers of horsemeat to some parts of Europe, but the quality can never be assured. For this reason, several countries look within their own nations, as well as to the U.S., Canada, and Mexico for satisfactory suppliers. However, a percent of the meat was used in the U. S. for feeding zoo animals such as birds of prey and large cats. Horse meat was used for these animals because it is higher in protein per pound than beef. The meat was not the only part of the horse that was used; the mane and tail were made into paintbrushes and violin bows, the intestines were used as sausage casings in Egypt, and the hooves were sent to a rendering plant (Osborne).

There is evidence that horsemeat is healthier for human consumption than beef. When compared to ground beef, horsemeat has 55% more protein, 25% less fat, and 30% less cholesterol. Some people could never imagine themselves eating horse but Americans have a habit of using it as an alternative to beef and pork in times of scarcity. During World War II and the proceeding years, horse became a popular meat due to its availability. There have been times when beef and pork prices have gone up too far and horse was used as a cheap substitute. The main reason people reverted back to beef and pork was because horse prices increased beyond the amount they are willing to pay (Evans, P 2).

Since the 1970’s, horses have been seen less as a work animal and more as pet. Because of this shift in the public’s view, animal rights groups have been able to paint a picture of horse slaughter as murder. I will admit that there have been horses unnecessarily slaughtered, but this is not as common as it seems.

The process of slaughter starts when a “kill buyer,” someone who purchases horses for slaughter plants, goes to an auction. It is true that the goal of the buyer is to buy as many good muscled horses for as little money as possible, but most buyers have respect for horses and want to see the best done for them. Once the horse is purchased, it is trailered to the plant the buyer works for; this trip can last as long as five days depending on location. Once the horses arrive at the plant they are inspected by the veterinarian and any horses deemed too sick or injured are taken to another part of the plant and euthanized; they are unsuitable for processing. If it appears that the horse was injured in transport, the driver and buyer are both punished in some form; docked pay or potential termination (Olsson 242).

After the horses have been found sound, they are herded off the trailer and into chutes. Once the horse has reached a certain point in the line, its hind legs are chained and it is stunned by a technician who fires a captive bolt, a spike on a hydraulic gun, into its forehead. The horse, brain dead, is then hung from the ceiling by the aforementioned chains and its jugular vein and carotid artery are severed which allows the blood to drain from the body. The carcass is then skinned, the head, hooves and tail removed, and it is butchered and prepared for packaging and shipment (Olsson 244).

Those opposing horse slaughter have varying views on the process by which the meat is harvested. The staunchest of them believe that slaughter is unethical and should be banned on a federal level, while the more lenient would like to see the methods changed but not the process banned. Some of those methods include the use of flags to herd the horse off the trucks rather than whips, a head-holding device so that chances of missing with the captive bolt are decreased, and using a turn in the chutes to prevent the horses from seeing what is happening (Osborne). All of these are excellent suggestions, and I would like to see them implemented in any plant that opens in the U. S.

Another concern that some have over horse slaughter is the lack of illness and medication regulation. The European Union, in April 2009, issued updated guidelines and regulations for any imported horsemeat. In response to these new guidelines and regulations, Canada had to implement new methods of processing. These new methods include making sure that no horse has any one of the 55 drugs listed on a prohibited medication list, and having illness and vaccination records for each animal that date back six months. The U. S. had no such guidelines when the plants were open. Each plant had at least one veterinarian present to check the horses for signs of illness or unsuitability, but there were no formal was of tracking medications or vaccinations; all other food animal production industries have ways to do that. If the U. S. opens a plant, rules and regulations similar to Canada’s need to be established (“Canada”).

I firmly believe that if slaughter could be made more humane by altering a few of the handling details, than the USDA should be given funding for processing plant inspections. My proposal is that if a plant could be opened in every state, or at least every other, than that would create both jobs and shorter distances the horses would have to travel for slaughter, which would minimize hauling related injuries. I also propose that another advantage to opening a slaughter plant would be that the unwanted horse population would decrease and the desire to purchase a horse would rise again. If the desire for horses goes up, then the value does too, which means the breeders and trainers will begin their work in full once more. If the horse industry can start working the way it wants to, than the need for grain and hay would go up and under the law of supply and demand, the price would go up too. If the price of grain and hay went up, than farmers wouldn’t need government subsidies to make ends meet every year.

I believe that the horse industry needs slaughter because, without it, the number of abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases have increased, the number of horses slaughtered in foreign countries has risen and the value of the horse has fallen.

The first unintended consequence of a lack of slaughter plants in the United States is an increase in the number of abuse, neglect, and abandonment cases. This sad trend is due in part to the lack of funds owners have to take care of their horses. When people want to sell their horses, they find that they cannot, due to little interest of others in purchasing a horse. People typically want to sell a horse for one of three reasons: not being able to afford cost of care, not interested in caring for the animal anymore, or moving away.

It costs approximately $2,340 per year, depending on one’s location, to care for a horse. Most horses, when cared for properly, live into their mid-twenties. Assuming that a horse lives to be 25, and working with $2,340 as an annual figure, the expense incurred for just one horse over a lifetime would be $58,500. The factors that would affect this figure are hay and grain prices, boarding fees, cost of tack for the horse, gas to transport the horse, registration fees for breed associations and/or shows, injuries to the horse that require expensive medical attention, and many more (North 127). Taking into consideration that 45% of horse owners make between $25,000 and $75,000 annually, it is no wonder that some have a difficult time paying the price to own a horse (“Frequently”).

There are several things that typically happen when an owner cannot sell the horse when they need to. The owner can try to donate the horse to a rescue or retirement home; however, these organizations are already understaffed, underfunded, and overstocked with horses. The owner could also euthanize the horse but this cost’s between $200 - $400 (Evans, P 3). That price covers chemical euthanasia with an environmentally toxic drug, Pentobarbital, and body care, which could be cremation or burial. There is a concern over body care for horses euthanized in this manner. If the body is not properly taken care of, the Pentobarbital may be ingested by a predatory animal and could cause environmental contamination (“Frequently”).

When things get tough, owners resort to drastic measures to dispose of their animals. Some horses will stand in a pasture or backyard, with little food and water and no shelter, until they die, are sold, or are taken by law enforcement agencies. If a horse in that condition is sold, it will be sold for a low price and is often times so ill that it must be euthanized. Horses in this condition are never accepted for slaughter and processing by foreign plants because their body doesn’t meet quality standards.

Other owners will just move away and leave their horses unattended; this constitutes abandonment. Additional types of abandonment include owners trailering their animals to areas far from developments and turning them loose or leaving their horses on a rancher’s property, thinking that the rancher won’t notice. In the cases where horses are turned loose on their own, far from humans and other horses, their chances of survival are very low. This is due to the fact that the horses don’t know how to take care of themselves, they never learned skills such as finding safe food and water and avoiding predators.

Horses are herd animals and need to be around their own kind to help teach and protect them. When horses are turned loose on land owned by the Bureau of Land Management, such as the desert west of Tooele, Utah, where herds of wild horses roam, their chances of survival are still low, because they are not likely to be accepted by any of the herds and they will not have the necessary teachers and protectors. Whenever humans are around the wild herds, it is easy to spot the domesticated ones; they will run up to anyone, excited because they think that person is their “saving grace” (Evans, D).

The second, unintended consequence of the lack of horse slaughter in the United States is that there has been a 300% increase of horses exported to foreign countries for the purpose of slaughter (Macejko 22). This has created a problem in that it increases traveling time for the horses. With an increase in traveling time, there is a decrease in bathroom breaks, available food and water and an increase in time spent in a confined trailer. With these two variables in play, the chances of the horses arriving at their destination safely and without harm have decreased. There are regulations in place that prohibit transporting aggressive horses with others, and transporting horses in a trailer that is too confined for them (“Frequently”).

The third unintended consequence is a drop in the value of a horse. It has been estimated that $24,320,000 in horse value will be lost if a ban on slaughter is passed into law (North 105). Even though the ban didn’t pass, the plants are still closed so it is assumed that a figure resembling the aforementioned has been incurred in loses.

If monetary value is what people are willing to pay for something, than the value of middle classes horses has dropped significantly. In a conversation I had with Rebecca L. Winstead, a Utah State University professor who has had twenty-one years of experience in the horse industry, the drop in the value of a middle class horse has several factors. She said that of these factors, the lack of slaughter as an available option for horse owners is huge. It was noted that the economy “hasn’t helped any,” but that the value started to drop before the economy went south.

Professor Winstead added, “It’s the horses between $3,000 and $15,000 that aren’t selling. The low horses are selling and the high horses are selling but the stuff in the middle isn’t.” Most of those horses currently on the market are considered middle class. It is to be assumed that the reason the low end horses are selling is because their price is right, just low enough that people can afford to buy them. The reason for the high end horses selling is most likely because they are excellent, show or race quality animals and very rich people are still willing to buy them.

Think back now to that horse described at the beginning of this paper. It is because of horses like him that organizations such as the American Association of Equine Practitioners (horse veterinarians) and the American Veterinary Medical Association oppose the banning of horse slaughter (“AVMA”). Joining them in the fight against a ban are the American Quarter Horse Association, the largest breed association in the world; the American Paint Horse Association, who believes that slaughtering horses for European consumption is economically health for the horse industry; and the International League for the Protection of Horses, a United Kingdom based group who believes that slaughter is a humane way to end a horse’s life (North 78).

With the reinstatement of funding for horse slaughter plant inspections, slaughter plants will be able to open across the United States. Several states, including Montana and North Dakota, have made plans to open their own processing plants if funding for federal inspections were to be found (Lewis 69). If these plants were to open, they would offer the horse industry an outlet for the more than 100,000 unwanted horses that face neglect (Evans, P 1). The opening of these plants would also offer a much needed job market to the troubled U. S. economy.

If you would like to get involved please email or call your state’s congressmen and inform them that you oppose any ban on the slaughter of horses for human consumption. Also include with that a plea for funding for processing plant inspections.