door-to-door summer sales

My manager has been trying to encourage me to tell myself that I will make lots of sales and do great this summer and he doesn't understand why I always say "maybe" or "I hope so." Well this is why.

I don't want to build it up in my head that I'll do great over this summer and have it flop flat on it's face. I don't want to think that I'll come home with $10,000 only to come home with $4,000. I fear that this job is going to be so rough and tough that I go home crying after six days.

Every time I tell someone that I'm going to do door-to-door summer sales 99% of the time I get the same are-you-crazy-you're-gonna-have-a-horrible-summer-look on their face. I've had people say, "You are so brave, I could never do that," or "Wow, good luck!! *eye roll*" Not once have I told someone and had them say, "You're gonna do great! You'll have a lot of fun!" Okay, that's a lie, one person has said that to me. Kyrstal, and she did the same program last year, but she's the only one.

I know I should be able to "fill my own bucket" and such but it's hard when everyone pokes holes in it faster than I can patch them up.

I'm losing my nerve and starting to regret this job. But I'm in for the long haul; it's too late to find another job. I sure hope that I do well at this and that it is fun and rewarding...

Some encouraging words would be nice... and yes, I'm fishing for them.

why me?

For the last few days I have been asking myself, "Why me?! Why do I have puffy, red, itchy skin on my fave that won't go away?" Sometimes I wonder if it's because I bottle all my emotions up until I have heartburn, or maybe it's because I'm not a good enough Mormon, or possibly because I just down right unhealthy...

But then again....

Why do I have great friend who come to aid when I fall down?
Why do I have a wonderful apartment?
Why do I have my parents lovely home to return to any time I want?
Why does my hometown have two Wal-Marts? (a supposed sign of prosperity)
Why do I have a car to drive?
Why can I afford to go to college?
Why do I have two parents who love me?
Why am I still alive?
Why was I born where I was?
Why am I so blessed?

sad weekend

Last Tuesday my dad and I took our dog Libby (she's really a sweet puppy, so please ignore the red eyes) to the vet because she had been limping. Two x-rays later she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in her lungs, lymphnodes, and leg. We were devastated; we thought it was arthritis. She was put to sleep and laid to rest yesterday- she was 12 years, 8 months. I felt so sick the rest of the day- I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not move. Luckily my boyfriend was there to cheer me up, and he did a fabulous job of it too. But I wasn't so nice to him in return :(

Today I woke up and went to Stake Conference. It was really wonderful being there but I spent the whole service feeling so weighted down, like my limbs and eyelids were too heavy to lift. After the service I went home, emailed my missionary friend, and laid on the couch until my boyfriend came over. He's such a nice guy and he's been under so much stress too, but I haven't been quick to realize that or help him with it. My face was swollen with eczema, and I was so sad about my dog, I just focused on my issues and ignored his pleading for some outside activity. We were preparing to play some Guitar Hero and I was frustratedly trying to pull all the needed equipment out of the drawer while my boyfriend sat in a chair and watched me. I should have asked for help but instead I barked, "I'm not the only one playing this game," and threw the stuff down. He stood up, picked up the guitar and started to play, ignoring me sulking on a chair. "So you're just gonna ignore me?" I snapped at him, and he just started to play, so I went upstairs. A few minutes later he came upstairs, cuddled close to me and apologized for ignoring me and made the comment that we'd finally had our first fight. I said that I was sorry and just because I was under duress didn't mean that I could bark and snap at him and treat him poorly. He snuggled closer to me and said that at least he came after me; I smiled at him. We sat there for a few minutes longer before I asked if he wanted to keep talking or go play. He said that he just wanted to go home. I stiffened and followed him as he gathered his things and got ready to go. As we hugged good bye I asked how long he was going to be mad at me and he said that he just need to cool off. He said he loved me and left.

Now, I know (at least I hope I know) that we're going to be alright, but I'm so mad at myself for letting all the stress and unhappiness cause a problem between me and the man who only wants to make me smile. I have been blind to his duress and sadness and instead of comforting him, I've only make his life tougher by been such a b****. I did this in my last relationship too and eventually that man stopped coming after me; I don't want to repeat that mistake. I wish I could handle my stress and sadness better; I wish I could handle my mental health better.

I want to call him or text him or communicate with him but something one of my guy friends told me is holding me back from doing it. This friend said that one of the things that drives him battiest about girls is when a guy says "I just need to cool off" and then the girl texts him and calls him and writes on his "wall" about how sorry she is and how she just wants to "make it all better." As this friend said, "You're just making it worse! We just want to be alone and play video games or something. Just let us vent and cool off ALONE and it'll be okay." So... I'm gonna let him come to me... Right move?

healthy?

I'm am unhealthy.

I am severely sensitive to shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving cream, lotion, perfume, anything with fragrance, makeup, hair spray & gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, dish soap, regular hand soap, and toothpaste. Wheat makes me eczema worse, and milk makes me constipated. I've been on antibiotics for a month and a half and will be one them for another two weeks. Since I've been on antibiotics for so long I have a yeast infection and it won't go away. I just got a phone call today that told me that I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that is in my kidneys. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new diet and new way of living. Since I can't ware makeup like I used to, I feel so... unattractive. I cry a lot because I feel like I'm not healthy or good looking enough for my boyfriend, even though he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he does his best to adapt to my diet. My lips and eyes are still scaly, thought not as bad. And I have small, red, itchy circles on my cheeks, chin, and hairline.

I just want to be healthy and normal and happy. People keep telling me I'm so strong and amazing for doing this. Well let me tell you, I'm not. I can't do this. I used to think nothing of it, until people starting saying how great I was... Now I realize I'm not normal or healthy and I hate it. Why can't I eat the pizza that my mom buys for me? Why can't I wear perfume? Why can't I smell nice? Why can't I wear makeup?

I just want to be healthy, happy, normal, and pretty. I keep trying to see the bright side, but it's getting harder. I'm stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy.

I still have pretty blue/green eyes.
I still have golden brown hair.
I am still strong.
I still have a boyfriend who loves me.
I can still eat apples and oranges.
I still have a family who cares about me.
I still have roommates who love me.
I am going to be working an amazing job this summer, in another state, and I'm gonna make enough money.
I am still in school and I'm loving what I'm studying.

Everything will be okay.

family day

Today was family day at my singles ward. It was also the first time I have returned to my own ward in over 3 months. I haven't gone to that wards since I told Tyler that my therapist thought I needed to get him out of my life; that was a rough night... I have avoided my ward due to the fact that Tyler is in my ward and seeing him still hurts me.

Well, after much prodding from a friend, I agreed to go to Family Day and bring my parents; I secretly hoped that Tyler wouldn't have invited his mother and step-father, even though I knew it would be in vain. I showed up at the church house today and sure enough, Tyler was there with his family. His mother went to my Relief Society class and she bore her testimony at the end of the lesson. Hearing her voice again tore me to pieces; I cried. But the hardest part was when Tyler stood up to bear his testimony; he looked right at me... and I smiled. During the Linger Longer Luncheon after the services, Janet, Tyler's mother, came and hugged me and told me that she misses me, and still loves me very much. She also asked me to call her tomorrow; and I'm going to. I miss her so much, and I love her too. It would be so great to talk to her. Kenna was also there, I hugged her and wished her a belated happy birthday. I also said hi to Jeff. But I never spoke to Tyler, just smiled at him and waved good-bye as I left. I still have feelings for him. A part of me will always love him and wish him happiness and good health. BUT...

I love Alex Raymond Barker very much. He is an amazing man and he loves me. I can always tell in the way he looks at me and speaks to me that he cherishes me, and values me. That is one thing I missed from Tyler. I could never tell just by the way he spoke to or looked at me that he loved me, valued me, or cherished me. I love Alex and he loves me; I'm not leaving him.

As much as I love Alex, I still have feelings for Tyler. And as much Alex loves me, he still has feelings for his ex. We have acknowledged these old feelings to each and we are both okay that the other has them. And it doesn't change how much we love each other, or how devoted we are to each other.

This my declaration of love for Alex Raymond Barker of Willard, Utah. I love him and want to stay with him for as long as I can. I am grateful to Tyler for so many things, but right now I am grateful for the lesson he taught me; if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, love him and respect him enough to let him find someone else, it's okay. If things don't end in marriage for Alex and I, it's okay; I he will always have a place in my heart.

guess what i just realized...

In just over three months I will turn 21 and in about 15 months I will turn 22. I know that's an odd thing to realize, but there's significance to the age 22. My cousin married his wonderful wife in February 2002, just after her 22nd birthday, and she's been a great addition to the family. I don't remember when, but sometime ago, she told me not to get married until I was 22 because it was the best age to get married at; I promised her I won't get married before 22... haha! I almost broke that promise twice, but I don't think I'm gonna get close to braking it again. But in just over 15 months, one year and three months, I will turn 22... And I don't even remotely feel ready to get married! In the next two years I will complete my undergrad courses, I will complete a practicum, I will do undergraduate research, and I will be going to my five year high school reunion. I will also be taking the GRE, filling out applications to get into grad school, and maybe moving to a different state. I might also get married!

......this is just too weird...... I don't feel old enough to be reaching this milestones already

i believe

I believe that Jesus Christ is my savior and that the Lord God, my Father in Heaven, loves me. I fervently believe that Earth is our learning ground where we learn about ourselves and other people; where we learn and grow into better versions of ourselves, whatever that might be. I believe that there is not a single perfect person on this planet right now; we make mistakes and screw up but that's okay! I believe that God, in His wisdom, knew that we would make mistakes and He did, and is doing, everything in His power to help us make good choices and remain close to Him. One of those things that God did for us was to orchestrate a plan wherein one of His sons would be sacrificed on the alter of the world for all those who would live in it. This son was Jesus Christ.

For all my faith and belief in Jesus Christ, I haven't read the New Testament, the holy script about His ministry on Earth, since I was a freshman in high school. At this crossroads in my life, when I am struggling with what I believe, who I am, and what I want from my existence, I think it is important for me to re-ground myself in what I believe. And that is Christ.

I am scared that I am losing my base. As I have been reading and investigating and talking to people about the LDS Church I have been becoming increasingly more frightened about the direction things are headed. I want so badly for God to speak to me, to give me that "Go here, do this," direction that He gave Joseph Smith, Jr, all those years ago. (Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan just came on...) But as much as I want that direct instruction, I know that God won't give it to me because this life, and this Earth, were made so that I could learn how to be me and to do what is right. I just wish that God would tell me something, or answer me anything... Somewhere in the Book of Mormon, I don't remember quite where, someone says that God doesn't answer the prayers of the wicked... But what if the wicked just want to know if God and Christ are true and right?